We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Seems somebody (besides Dennis) has been getting a little carried away with those sexy, sexy vampire movies! I am talking, of course, about the one and only* Rep. Michele Bachmann, who is now telling people that the only way to stop health care reform is to go out for blood.
"This cannot pass," the Minnesota Republican told a crowd at a Denver gathering sponsored by the Independence Institute. "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass."
That is so, like, deep. This totally reminds me of that one time Congress filibustered a bill by smoking clove cigarettes and listening to the Smiths for sixteen hours straight. Awesome!
Also, I guess this means the Republicans' plan for health care will cover treatment for self-inflicted melodramatic empty gestures.
*Dear lord, I hope she isn't keeping a clone of herself in a closet somewhere, but who even knows with Michele Bachmann?
On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen even better knowed Colorado's second district by sitting down with Jared Polis, the first openly gay man elected to Congress. At the end, they take turns sucking on a long cylindrical object, but this is 2009, we have a black President and gay people can be elected to Congress, so there's really no comedic conclusion to jump to there. Homophobe.
After the jump, you can see the first time Stephen better knowed Colorado's second.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa! Hold it right there. I was under the impression that these Gitmo prisoners were gonna be relocated into new military prison cells where they would be guarded by soldiers and kept safely away from the general public.
If Obama's planning on moving them into the foreclosed house down the street, my parents' spare bedroom, and the crawl space under my nephew's crib — as this ad seems to be suggesting — I am not cool with that.
Hey, wasn't John McCain's Election Night concession speech classy? Some said it was his finest moment of the campaign and — at the very least — a tough act for other politicians to follow.
And it seems no one feels stronger about that than Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO), a double-digit loser on November 4th. Rather than hopelessly attempt to equal McCain, Musgrave has decided to let his words echo by refusing to concede herself…
Two weeks after the brutal loss, Musgrave still hasn’t called her opponent [Betsy Markey] to concede or to congratulate the victor, as is not only textbook but also mannerly to do.
Now Musgrave lost by a good 11 points, despite the resonance of her platform, which consisted of the following policy points…
* I'm the only Ken Salazar-certified Agent of Hate in the race.
* My opponent, Betsy Markey, is headed to jail. No, don't vet that claim, just accept it as fact!
* The Ku Klux Klan rewarded my gay-bashing with an endorsement.
* Yeah, the economy, I know… but The Gays!!
But now as Markey, the nation and her own staff wait for Musgrave to concede, another complication has emerged.
Namely that Musgrave has disappeared…
Though the Markey team doesn’t plan on stopping by Musgrave’s office while in town, eventually the two camps will have to touch base — just in terms of transitioning. But curiously, more rumors abound that no one has seen or talked to Musgrave since the brutal loss; she’s all but disappeared.
Hmm. Call this a stretch, but it seems to me the last time an anti-gay Colorado demagogue quietly disappeared, it was discovered that he'd spent the time in a Denver hotel room, snorting meth and banging a gay prostitute. His name was Ted Haggard.
But the comparison ends there. When he was inevitably booted from his megachurch, Haggard at least had the decency to concede.
According to the Huffington Post, the states with the largest partisan shifts in 2008 were Hawaii (toward Democrats) and Arkansas (toward Republicans). But the state that had the gayest shift was definitely Colorado!
In: Jared Polis (D-2nd District), the first openly gay non-incumbent elected to Congress. (Barney Frank, Gerry Studds, etc. were already in Congress when Sarah Palin's church forgot to include them in their prayers.)
Polis's district includes the liberal hotbed of Boulder, which can now gloat to rivals Berkeley, Austin and Cambridge about the fact that those backwaters are still represented by straight people.
Meanwhile Musgrave, who comes from the flat, rural northeast corner of the state, will undoubtedly use her newfound free time to explore other ways to hate gay people. Among other things, she could…
* Join the Rev. Fred Phelps on a "God Hates Fags" tour of military funerals.
* Boycott companies that advertise on the Ellen show.
* Use what remains of her 59 year-old seductive powers to "actively assist" the de-gayification of Colorado preacher Ted Haggard.
As for Colorado itself, it's going to spend the next 2 years at the bathhouse before getting a facial and heading to the Bette Midler concert.
Seems somebody (besides Dennis) has been getting a little carried away with those sexy, sexy vampire movies! I am talking, of course, about the one and only* Rep. Michele Bachmann, who is now telling people that the only way to stop health care reform is to go out for blood.
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Hey, wasn't John McCain's Election Night concession speech classy? Some said it was his finest moment of the campaign and — at the very least — a tough act for other politicians to follow.
According to the Huffington Post, the states with the 
