Catching Up With A Loser! The single most important event of George W. Bush's presidency was the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. And so it seemed obvious that Bush's successor in the White House should be the greatest celebrity to rise from that dark day, the face that graced TV news screens for months afterward, the man who became virtually synonymous with 9/11… Osama bin Laden.

Unfortunately, the Turbaned One was not a U.S. citizen, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. So the task fell to this week's entry in our Presidential Loser Series, Rudy Giuliani (R-NY)!

Giuliani's resume was without equal in the Republican field. Namely, he:

* Happened to be mayor of New York on September 11, 2001.

* Was on TV many times during and after September 11, 2001.

* Ran campaign ads featuring images of firefighters — most of whom apparently hate him — dating from September 11, 2001.

* Tried to illegally extend his term, citing the events of September 11, 2001.

* Dispatched the NYPD to escort his mistress and future third wife, Judith Nathan, on interstate trips, citing the yet-to-occur events of September 11, 2001.

* Earned millions of dollars giving speeches about September 11, 2001.

Giuliani was also the only candidate who could boast he had married his second cousin, a major coup considering one of his opponents was Mitt Romney. Nevertheless, the Mayor's candidacy suffered from feeble support among his core constituency — such as former driver and police chief Bernie Kerik, who skipped the election to ball his mistress/publisher in an apartment intended for 9/11 workers.

Despite leading the Republican field for most of 2007, Giuliani tanked in the primaries, accruing a miserable total of one delegate. Even Ron Paul got 35! The Mayor was forced to drop out of the race on January 30, 2008, much to the relief of squeegee men nationwide.

Chow Time! Who's hungry for some delicious food prepared by Members of Congress with a side helping of terrifyingly Freudian innuendo? If you raised your hand, get out your copy of Congress Cooks! — yes it really exists — turn to Page 69, and behold the "Super Tuber," submitted by Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID)!

Craig's "Super Tuber" recipe involves:

1. Hollowing out a potato.
2. Lubing up a hot dog (the Senator recommends using shortening or butter).
3. Shoving the hot dog into the potato.

Bake this puppy for one hour and you've got yourself a phallic, if not appetizing, delight, as evidenced by these photos (care of Foodgoat).

Once your tastebuds have been seduced by the "Super Tuber," you'll be eager to try other Congressional delicacies, such as the Creamy Tuna Delight submitted by Rep. Chris Cannon (R-UT) and Hushwee Mediterranean Rice-Meat Dish submitted by Rep. Nick Rahall II (D-WV). But take our advice: Don't eat all of these at once or you'll be rushing off to a wide stance at a Minneapolis airport men's room in no time!

An Innocent Man! The Pages are up in arms over the charges that have landed Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) in hot water! It seems the cuddliest octogenarian on Capitol Hill was recently indicted for failing to report gifts from oil executives. We say: Unfair! Do you really think that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) reports every single baguette he gets from the King of France?

In defense of Uncle Ted, the Pages have crafted a 5-prong defense that we think should pave the way for the Senator's speedy acquittal:

1. Stevens is the only sitting Senator who is more than 35 years older than his own state.

2. Although it was Al Gore who invented the Internet, modern scientists had no idea how it worked until Stevens' personal research revealed it to be "not a truck," and in fact "a series of tubes."

3. In 2005 alone, Stevens secured $16.6 million dollars in federal Homeland Security funding for his home state of Alaska, which undoubtedly thwarted an Al Qaeda attack on Fairbanks.

4. Stevens somehow served as co-Senator with Mike Gravel (D-AK) for 12 years without once hitting him with a shovel.

5. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Stevens courageously threatened to resign his Senate seat if federal highway funds were diverted from Alaska's $223 million "Bridge To Nowhere" to rebuilding New Orleans.

If those facts don't convince a jury to acquit Uncle Ted, we don't know what will. But in the event that Stevens is wrongfully convicted and forced to leave the Senate, we're sure that Alaskans will follow in their proud tradition of nepotism and award his seat to his son, Ben Stevens. Oh wait, it turns out the FBI is investigating him, too.

Catching Up With A Loser! If the Pages have learned one thing in Washington, it's that politics can be a lot like high school. Take, for instance, the 2008 Democratic presidential primary. You had your major jocks — Barack Obama (basketball team), Bill Richardson (baseball team), John Edwards (synchronized swimming). And then you had your nerds — Hillary Clinton (student government), Chris Dodd (Glee Club), Tom Vilsack (tech theater).

But no one was a bigger nerd than this week's Presidential Loser: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)! The Congressman from Cleveland was the president of the A/V Club and the Latin Society rolled up into one — and the bullies on the campaign trail never let him forget it. Kucinich was picked on mercilessly for his uber-dork attributes, including:

* Diminutive height.

* Adamant veganism.

* Destruction of Cleveland as Boy Mayor in the 1970's.

It also did not help that Kucinich (though 61 years old) had still not hit puberty, and that his most prominent endorsement was from a J.R.R. Tolkien character. Still he pressed on, and with good reason. After all, his 2004 presidential run garnered him 67 delegates and a foxy new wife 31 years his junior!

But like so many other high schoolers, Kucinich hit the sophomore slump in his second run for the White House. Having ceded the "liberal populist" vote to John Edwards Version 2.0 and the "hilarious prank vote" to newcomer Mike Gravel, the Ohio Congressman had to drop out of the race on January 24, 2008. Kucinich is now back on the job in Washington, occupied with impeaching George W. Bush and protecting outer space for future generations of Star Wars collectibles!

Not On The List! Ask any Washington politician what the bedrock of our democracy is, and the answer will always be the same: High-profile fundraisers! How else could these noble public servants finance vicious attack ads accusing their opponents of giving blowjobs to Nicolas Sarkozy?

But you, dear reader, wouldn't know too much about that, because most fundraisers are off-limits to all but VIPs. Here's a small taste of what you're missing behind closed doors, courtesy of the Pages:

Spotted! An exciting Washington celebrity was recently caught on film by Congressional Confidential's roving team of ex-Senate Pages with camera phones!

Who: Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT).

Where: Boston's Logan International Airport.

Doing What: Reading a book (presumably his autographed copy of The Audacity of Hope).

Beyond the most obvious question — "Wait, Orrin Hatch is still alive?" — you're probably wondering about the Senator's unusual fashion accessory: The giant red splotch on the side of his head!

Now we could tell you the origin of the splotch, but to be perfectly honest, it's pretty boring. That's why we want you to decide what suddenly made the Senator's cranium redder than the 1984 electoral vote map.

Is he returning home from a Mikhail Gorbachev look-a-like contest (which he lost to Larry Craig)? Is he trying to introduce bindis to the Mormon faith? Did he step on a rake deftly planted by Senate prankster Russ Feingold (D-WI)? Or is it none of the above? Submit your own explanation!

Item! The word in Washington is that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is about to announce his pick for his vice-presidential running mate! This will be McCain's most important decision of the campaign. Whoever serves as his #2 will have the responsibilities of:

* Serving as President of the U.S. Senate.

*Being dispatched to dinner functions in countries whose cuisine gives McCain gas.

* Running the country each night from 7 to 8 pm while McCain is watching Matlock.

Washington Insiders have narrowed down McCain's choices to five front-runners and the Pages are pleased to give you our Official Vegas Betting Odds on each of them:

Name	Why He'll Get It	Why He Won't	Page's Betting Odds
Tim Pawlenty Governor of Minnesota	Evangelical Christian from a potential swing-state.	Who wants a vice-president who can't even score with his own wife?	2 : 1
Mitt Romney Former Governor of Massachusetts	Only candidate who can carry the hedge fund and polygamy votes simultaneously.	Americans might be intimidated by such a brilliant, accomplished, righteous, wealthy, handsome family man. (Source: Mitt Romney)	Six : Half-Dozen
Charlie Crist Governor of Florida	Having an obviously gay man on the ticket could help McCain cut into a traditionally Democratic voting bloc.	His dark orange tan clashes badly with the McCain campaign's blue-and-white theme colors.	69 : 1
Joe Lieberman Senator from Connecticut	Brings valuable experience in the field of losing vice-presidential campaigns. Comes with his own theme song.	Dogged by insidious Washington whisper campaign that he is a Jew.	666 : 1
Bobby Jindal Governor of Louisiana	Introduced an Amber Alert for senior citizens in his home state, so he'll be ready to respond when McCain wanders off during a G-8 Summit.	America may not be ready for a Catholic vice-president.	1.132 billion : 1

Paging Doctor Death! The Pages have great news for sodium thiopental industry lobbyists! You may soon have a friend in Washington by the name of Rep. Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian! The famed assisted-suicide doctor and convicted felon is now officially a candidate for the congressional seat now held by Rep. Joe Knollenberg (R-MI)!

For those keeping score, Kevorkian would not be the first celebrity elected by the voters of Michigan. In honor of his candidacy, the Pages would like to profile other famous people who held office in the Great Lakes State:

Name	Original Claim to Fame	Current Claim to Fame
Martha Reeves Detroit City Councilwoman	Skyrocketed to musical fame and fortune on the coattails of The Vandellas.	Accepted bribes in a sordid sludge-hauling scandal.
George Romney Former Governor	CEO of American Motors and imagined marching companion of Martin Luther King.	Father of the most smug, pompous, out-of-touch narcissist the Michigan school system has ever produced
Gerald Ford Former Congressman and U.S. President	Fashion model for Cosmopolitan and Look magazines.	Raised the art of presidential bloopers to a level not known since the Martin Van Buren administration.

A Stimulating Development! Calling all skeptics who thought firming up our flaccid economy was little more than George W. Bush's wet dream: You were wrong! The Commander-in-Chief's ample economic stimulus package has engorged the economy with hot, steamy cash, and who's been scoring non-stop as a result? The internet pornography industry!

According to the Adult Internet Market Research Company (NAMBLA):

Numerous porn sites "have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

And it gets better: The Pages believe that before long, all segments of the economy will reap benefits from the porn surge! Consider how much the following groups will love the Bush Stimulus Package:

Well, as General Motors CEO Charles E. Wilson famously said: "What's good for the porn industry is good for America." So as a citizen of the greatest nation on Earth, you can now sit back and enjoy imminent financial bounty– whether or not you're the owner of www.naughtyasiangrannies.com!

Catching Up With A Loser! The Pages are pleased to present the next in our list of 2008 presidential losers: Law and Order star and Elmer Fudd stand-in Sen. Fred Thompson! Thompson, a former Republican Senator from Tennessee, never intended to run for president. He was happy in retirement, making TV appearances and nailing a woman six years younger than his own son. For months, he ignored a burgeoning "Draft Thompson" movement until finally he was tricked into entering the race by a fast-talking rabbit.

Outsmarted and resigned to his candidacy, Thompson plotted a quick exit from the race by refusing to learn anything about the issues, skipping debates, and describing Latino immigrants as "suicidal maniacs [who] want to kill innocent men, women, and children." But much to Thompson’s chagrin, he somehow led in the polls going into July 2007!

As the primary season rolled around, the man Richard Nixon called "dumb as hell" finally managed to chart a course toward the defeat he so obviously coveted. He lost badly in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and Nevada, before announcing he was staking his candidacy on South Carolina.

Thompson's logic was that if he dropped out by January 22nd, he could make it back to Hollywood in time to shoot a cameo as a corpse on CSI: Miami. And South Carolina voters did their part, giving Thompson 16% of the vote and zero delegates.

Visibly relieved, the ex-Senator dropped his campaign faster than NBC could cancel Bionic Woman, happily ending his political career. Now in recent weeks, Thompson's name has been floated as a youthful complement to John McCain on the GOP ticket, but the Senator has quashed those rumors, announcing that if selected, he will move to Canada.