We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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We've been so busy watching Barack Obama's press conferences to announce secretaries of stuff, we're just getting to this now: Canada's government is in pandemonium! What the hell is happening up there?
Here's what we know. In October's wacky House of Commons election, Prime Minister Stephen "Bobblehead" Harper's Conservatives won more seats than any other party — but not enough to secure a majority. Opposition disgruntlement ensued, and last week, Harper announced a bobbleheaded budget that set off a full-scale political crisis…
Harper introduced an economic plan that included no stimulus measures but called for a three-year ban on strikes by civil servants and the abolition of public financing for political parties. The Liberal party leader, Stéphane Dion, accusing Harper of seeking to politicise the economic crisis, formed a coalition with the leftwing New Democratic party. The two also secured support from the separatist Bloc Québécois to bring down the government.
Facing the risk of being, I don't know, extradited to Nunavut, Harper pulled out the big guns: yesterday he talked the Governor General, the Queen's representative in Canada, into letting him shut down Parliament until the end of January (!).
Plus! Just for good measure, the opposition coalition is now fighting with itself.
Good grief. And I thought the hockey games were vicious.
Canada has spoken, and Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Conservatives got 143 seats in the House of Commons, thereby hanging on to their minority control of the government. But they fell short of the 155 seats they needed to win a majority, which means things haven't changed much in Ottawa, despite all the exciting partisan rancor of the past few weeks.
The Conservatives have won about 37 per cent of the popular vote, up one percentage point from 2006.
But [Stephane] Dion's Liberals garnered the lowest share of popular vote the party had ever tallied — lower than the 28 per cent the John Turner-led Liberals garnered in 1984.
On the tree-hugging side of the ballot, the Greens picked up 6.8 percent of the popular vote, but they still haven't managed to win a single seat in Parliament. Oh yeah, and with 59% of eligible voters going to the polls, this election had the lowest turnout on record.
In the interest of cheering up our Canadian friends, here's my favorite clip from Rick Mercer's "Talking to Americans." Nothing takes the edge off a losery election like seeing Mike Huckabee, a real American loser, complimenting you on your national igloo.
In less than 24 hours Canadians from Whitehorse to Halifax will head to the polls, but Conservative leader Stephen Harper — who just gets more and more mavericky every day — wants his supporters to wait until February 14th to vote…
Speaking of important dates, today is Thanksgiving in Canada.
Happy Thanksgiving to all our Canadian friends, except Mr. Harper, who will be eating his turkey on St. Patrick's Day.
America, we have been defeated in our quest to out-stupid the world. Canada wins. Canada wins handily, with this latest campaign from its national tourism council.
Meet Bobblehead Steve. As in Stephen Harper. As in the prime minister who's presiding over a recession and a bitterly-contested federal election that's taking place next week. If your car hasn't been repossessed yet, you can stick ol' Stevie on its dashboard…
While Stephen Harper is campaigning as the champion of prudence in tough times, his government is merrily blowing a bundle on Bobblehead Steve.
The doll with a spring-loaded head and PM's first name is the star of an expensive new federal marketing campaign to attract U.S. convention business to the true north.
The Canadian Tourism Commission's magnetic-sticking Steve is perfect for your dashboard and comes complete with a glossy 25-page booklet, and a custom-designed website that couldn't have cost more than a federal election.
Steve is your "Canadian go-to guy"! He's going to wheel that room service cart right down the hall for you! Oh, and be sure to check out Steve's insider info. Steve wants you to join him as he wanders around his country, getting wasted on Caesars and caribou.
Congratulations, Canada. Turning your top official into a bobblehead in the midst of an election was a real stroke of genius.
Here in America, of course, we did it the other way around. We nominated a bobblehead for vice president on the Republican ticket.
Hey, Canadians! Worried that your economy is tanking along with/because of America's?
Yeah, sorry about those pension plans. Just think of it this way: What little money you do have will still be prettier than ours. Quality, not quantity, that's the thing to remember.
Your prime minister would also like you to remember that every economic catastrophe has a silver lining…
"I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the most emotionally expressive guy," said Mr. Harper, when asked whether he might want to show more empathy with Canadians becoming increasingly fearful for their economic future.
"But look, the main thing I think a government has to do at a time like this is not panic. There's a lot of people out there not panicking. I think there's probably a lot of great buying opportunities emerging in the stock market as a consequence of all this panic."
And those dirt-cheap shares will go a long way toward keeping your family warm this winter, if you burn the stock certificates in your furnace.
This afternoon the Conservative Party released its platform, becoming the last of the five major parties to do so.
Surprises weren't expected from Prime Minister Stephen Harper's followup speech to the Canadian Club, but with the Toronto Stock Exchange and Tory popularity in freefall, you might think Harper would take the opportunity to acknowledge the challenges his party faces and outline some new solutions.
"Prudent leadership does not set economic strategy for the nightly news or rewrite plans for the morning papers," Harper said in a speech to the Canadian Club after releasing his platform.
So if the morning papers happen to say something like, I don't know, "Recession is Here, Put Your Cash Under the Mattress and Pray," that's no reason to change anything. You just keep on keepin' on. With your cash under the mattress.
Meanwhile, if you need Prime Minister Harper, he'll be busy tinkering with his boat…
"As the saying goes, it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Which is why when the rain came, Noah didn't need to panic and he didn't switch boats."
Hmmm. How long was Noah stuck on that boat, again?
We've been so busy watching Barack Obama's press conferences to announce secretaries of stuff, we're just getting to this now: Canada's government is in pandemonium! What the hell is happening up there?
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Canada has spoken, and Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Conservatives got 143 seats in the House of Commons, thereby hanging on to their minority control of the government. But they fell short of the 155 seats they needed to win a majority, which means things haven't changed much in Ottawa, despite all the exciting partisan rancor of the past few weeks.
America, we have been defeated in our quest to out-stupid the world. Canada wins. Canada wins handily, with this latest campaign from its national tourism council.
Hey, Canadians! Worried that your economy is tanking along with/because of America's?
