Thank the one God of the Founding Fathers for true Americans/Christians like this man…

Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head…

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

Read the whole thing.

Here's an email response to an atheist organization in Florida that thought it had the same right to advertise as everyone else…

"If God doesn't exist, then why does the Constitution say 'In God We Trust'?"

Check and mate.

Choke on that unbeatable logic, you Devil-worshipping atheists!

We've been so wrapped up in the details of health care reform — public options, optional public options, robust public options, public options with a trigger, public options with optional bucket seats, etc. — that we have completely forgotten the most important question of all time: Is any of this even in the Constitution? Anywhere?

The Washington Times is on the case…

Does the U.S. Constitution allow the government to require uninsured Americans to buy medical insurance or impose a tax penalty if they refuse? Congress has never before required citizens to purchase any good or service, but that is what both House and Senate health bills would mandate.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi dismissed the complaint Thursday when she was asked by a reporter if the Democrats' health reform proposal was constitutional.

"Are you serious? Are you serious?" Mrs. Pelosi replied.

No, Nancy Pelosi, are you serious about the Constitution? Is anyone around here serious about the Constitution?

House Minority Leader John A. Boehner said the argument could not be ignored. "I'm not a lawyer, and I'm certainly not a constitutional lawyer, but I think it's wrong to mandate that the American people have to do anything," he told reporters at his own press briefing last week.

Fuck yes, John Boehner! That's what I'm talking about!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta grab the license I don't have and drive my uninsured car the wrong way down this one-way street, because my 18-year-old brother needs a ride home from refusing to register with the Selective Service System.

Hey, everyone. I'm just getting re-settled after a week's vacation. (Have they announced winner of the Nobel Peace Prize? Sorry, I know that's totally boring stuff that nobody ever cares about, but I was just wondering.)

So, do you know what I was thinking about a lot during my time away from the blog? Yep, you guessed it: Jesus. And also America. And how lucky we all are that a Bedouin carpenter who was born two millenia ago founded this great nation for us all and presented us with His Holy Constitution of the Lamb's Blood (or whatever it's called).

And that got me wondering if there were maybe any hyper-didactic artworks showcasing that great moment of creation that I could hang above the alter I keep above my desk. And wouldn't you know it, but this dropped just last week…

Jon McNaughton — the creator of this masterpiece, which, as of press time, has not yet replaced the Mona Lisa in Louvre — obviously went to great trouble to cram every single square-inch of this painting with symbolism that's even more deep than the poetry my sister used to write in junior high.

For example, you see that guy on the bottom-left, holding the cell phone? That's a "Politician," and he "has his patriotic tie and American flag lapel pin, but he's more concerned about his own political ambitions than what is in the best interest of the country." Because obviously, that politician guy should really spend less time talking on his cell phone and more time groveling in self-pity like the Supreme Court Justice right near him. (I mean, what do we even elect these clowns for? Am I right?)

And, by the way, I know what you're thinking: This invented-out-of-whole-cloth image of America is all well and good for all the decent Christians out there who are looking forward to the impending American theocracy. But what about the dozen or so people who think that maybe there's something to this whole "seperation of church and state" thing?

Don't worry. The Internet's got you covered…

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From Toothpaste for Dinner…

Now that it's clear the armed protesters outside President Obama's health care town hall meetings are trying to outdo each other, it's kind of fun trying to guess how the ante will be upped next. Will someone bring a bazooka? Maybe they'll roll up in a tank. Personally, I'm crossing my fingers for one of those slingshots that's big enough to shoot the Earth into the Sun.

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