John "I have a secret child with a woman who is not my cancer-ridden wife" Edwards did not succeed in his mission to sabotage the Democratic Party's presidential hopes in 2008. But — as is becoming increasingly clear — it was not for lack of trying.

In his new autobimemoir of the '08 campaign trail, Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe recounts an amazingly gracious offer from the Edwards campaign…

"Listen. It's clear unless the race is shaken up, Hillary is going to win. You guys might not even win South Carolina. What would shake the race up is John ending his campaign, but not simply to endorse another candidate. All things being equal, John prefers Barack. They should announce they are joining forces and will run as a ticket. Edwards can vouch for Obama with blue-collar and Southern whites and is running on a change message.

"It's a perfect fit. And it has to be something that big to slow down Hillary. You need a big shakeup in the race and this could be it."

And he had the perfect big shakeup just waiting to be shooken up, didn't he?.

Ah, what could have been.

Here is the part of the post where you set up the important information about David Plouffe's upcoming book, in which he discusses how close Hillary Clinton came to being chosen as Barack Obama's running mate.

And here's where you throw to some more reputable website's post which contains a quote suitable for spinning a joke…

What surprised me at [our first meeting to discuss the vice presidency] was that Obama was clearly thinking more seriously about picking Hillary Clinton than Ax and I had realized …. At our next meeting, we narrowed the list down to six. Barack continued to be intrigued by Hillary.

"I still think Hillary has a lot of what I am looking for in a VP," he said to us. "Smarts, discipline, steadfastness. I think Bill may be too big a complication. If I picked her, my concern is that there would be more than two of us in the relationship."…

And here's where you make a joke about Bill Clinton and his probable comfortability with ménages à trois.

And that's how you write a post about the most important woman in American politics. (I think there's a certain sad poignancy in that.)

Take one blowhard radio host whose popularity peaked around the same time as the Counting Crows'.

Add a newly emboldened Democratic party in search of a non-Bush nemesis and a Republican party in search of a leader, or a magic Twitter account, or anything, really.

Let rise until the blowhard radio host says something blowhard-y about how he hopes the new Democratic president fails to bring about economic recovery in the midst of a recession.

Immediately whisk into a froth, adding James Carville's secret Cajun spices.

Combine with abject groveling, grandstanding, indignation, feigned outrage, real outrage, jokey websites and accusations of unnecessary distraction.

Garnish with a dollop of David Plouffe.

Serve as often as necessary.

For future reference, if you ever find yourself being the wunderkind strategist of the most inspiring, historic and transparent U.S. president of a generation and then you agree to speaking at the National Press Club, you might want to consider not banning the National Press from watching you speak that their Club.

It just kinda sorta makes you look like a tool…

Plouffe was listed as the keynote speaker at the luncheon yesterday for "Transition 2009," sponsored by Georgetown University and Politico. The public was invited to the event — students free of charge and everybody else for a fee. But at the last minute, Georgetown announced that Plouffe's speech would be "closed press," even though the speech was being given in the National Press Club ballroom, described on a plaque at the door as "the sanctum sanctorum of American journalists."

National Press Club President Donna Leinwand fired off an e-mail to Plouffe and his agents stating her "strong opposition" to the press banishment from its own club. "If Mr. Plouffe wants to keep secrets," she said, "Mr. Plouffe should stay at home."

The Washington Post's Dana Milbank (definitely the ugliest female reporter I've seen in a while) was having none of it…

For what it's worth, the National Press Club comes off looking just as douchey.

Team Obama — I'm lookin' at you, Plouffe — has one week left to wrap up its spamming, because once the president-elect takes the oath of office, the use of his campaign contact lists will be restricted by law.

So what will become of all the email addresses Obama collected? Well, according to reports, he's thinking of giving his lists to Tim Kaine, the new leader of the Democratic National Committee. You should probably set up an inbox filter right now…

During the campaign, the Obama operation garnered approximately 13 million e-mail addresses, a million sign-ups for the Obama camp's text-messaging service, 2 million participants in the campaign's proprietary social network on MyBarackObama.com, and 5 million supporters on more than 15 other social networking sites including Facebook, according to a report by Washingtonpost.com. [...]

But the use of Obama's lists is not without its challenges. "It's a lot easier to get 13 million people excited about one thing like electing a particular person," [technology expert Andrew] Rasiej said. "That's very different from getting them to switch to new, more energy-efficient light bulbs or to stop driving their SUVs."

Maybe I've come down with that list fatigue people keep talking about, but at this point I just can't tell which is more exciting: being told to buy crappy souvenir mugs I can't afford, or being scolded about my light bulbs.

I guess I could muster one final burst of e-nthusiasm if Governor Kaine promised to email us shocking, never-before-seen photos of his freaky eyebrow.

With two million people planning to crowd the Mall for Obama's swearing-in and the subsequent release of a dozen winged unicorns, the District of Columbia is spending $28 million on security, including extra police forces and high-tech surveillance systems.

They're even preparing for the unlikely event of a terrorist whale attack…

Using a Homeland Security grant, the D.C. government is installing a $350,000 set of special loudspeakers, which use sonar technology, along Pennsylvania Avenue and the Mall, according to District officials. Dozens of prerecorded messages will be ready to play for the crowds.

Of course, at least eight of these messages will be David Plouffe saying "You helped shape history! Now treat yourself or a loved one to an official limited edition Obama coffee mug."