In his new autobimemoir of the '08 campaign trail, Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe recounts an amazingly gracious offer from the Edwards campaign…

"Listen. It's clear unless the race is shaken up, Hillary is going to win. You guys might not even win South Carolina. What would shake the race up is John ending his campaign, but not simply to endorse another candidate. All things being equal, John prefers Barack. They should announce they are joining forces and will run as a ticket. Edwards can vouch for Obama with blue-collar and Southern whites and is running on a change message.

"It's a perfect fit. And it has to be something that big to slow down Hillary. You need a big shakeup in the race and this could be it."

And he had the perfect big shakeup just waiting to be shooken up, didn't he?.

Ah, what could have been.

And here's where you throw to some more reputable website's post which contains a quote suitable for spinning a joke…

What surprised me at [our first meeting to discuss the vice presidency] was that Obama was clearly thinking more seriously about picking Hillary Clinton than Ax and I had realized …. At our next meeting, we narrowed the list down to six. Barack continued to be intrigued by Hillary.

"I still think Hillary has a lot of what I am looking for in a VP," he said to us. "Smarts, discipline, steadfastness. I think Bill may be too big a complication. If I picked her, my concern is that there would be more than two of us in the relationship."…

And here's where you make a joke about Bill Clinton and his probable comfortability with ménages à trois.

And that's how you write a post about the most important woman in American politics. (I think there's a certain sad poignancy in that.)

It just kinda sorta makes you look like a tool…

Plouffe was listed as the keynote speaker at the luncheon yesterday for "Transition 2009," sponsored by Georgetown University and Politico. The public was invited to the event — students free of charge and everybody else for a fee. But at the last minute, Georgetown announced that Plouffe's speech would be "closed press," even though the speech was being given in the National Press Club ballroom, described on a plaque at the door as "the sanctum sanctorum of American journalists."

National Press Club President Donna Leinwand fired off an e-mail to Plouffe and his agents stating her "strong opposition" to the press banishment from its own club. "If Mr. Plouffe wants to keep secrets," she said, "Mr. Plouffe should stay at home."

The Washington Post's Dana Milbank (definitely the ugliest female reporter I've seen in a while) was having none of it…

For what it's worth, the National Press Club comes off looking just as douchey.

So what will become of all the email addresses Obama collected? Well, according to reports, he's thinking of giving his lists to Tim Kaine, the new leader of the Democratic National Committee. You should probably set up an inbox filter right now…

During the campaign, the Obama operation garnered approximately 13 million e-mail addresses, a million sign-ups for the Obama camp's text-messaging service, 2 million participants in the campaign's proprietary social network on MyBarackObama.com, and 5 million supporters on more than 15 other social networking sites including Facebook, according to a report by Washingtonpost.com. [...]

But the use of Obama's lists is not without its challenges. "It's a lot easier to get 13 million people excited about one thing like electing a particular person," [technology expert Andrew] Rasiej said. "That's very different from getting them to switch to new, more energy-efficient light bulbs or to stop driving their SUVs."

Maybe I've come down with that list fatigue people keep talking about, but at this point I just can't tell which is more exciting: being told to buy crappy souvenir mugs I can't afford, or being scolded about my light bulbs.

I guess I could muster one final burst of e-nthusiasm if Governor Kaine promised to email us shocking, never-before-seen photos of his freaky eyebrow.

They're even preparing for the unlikely event of a terrorist whale attack…

Using a Homeland Security grant, the D.C. government is installing a $350,000 set of special loudspeakers, which use sonar technology, along Pennsylvania Avenue and the Mall, according to District officials. Dozens of prerecorded messages will be ready to play for the crowds.

Of course, at least eight of these messages will be David Plouffe saying "You helped shape history! Now treat yourself or a loved one to an official limited edition Obama coffee mug."

I like you, David, but not in that way. Can't you give my inbox a rest? No? Okay, how much do you want this time?

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden announced key members of their national security team.

Barack and Joe have asked some of the country's most experienced leaders on national security, foreign policy, law enforcement, and military matters to come together to renew America's security and standing in the world.

Yessir, these experts will have everything under control in a jif. Good to know. Thanks, David, anything else?

These appointees will be tasked with strengthening current alliances and forging new ones, protecting our citizens at home, defending against our enemies, and promoting our values and moral leadership throughout the world.

While the challenges they are sure to face will be great, the opportunities to unify our country and our world will be even greater.

With your support, we'll meet those challenges and opportunities with the hope and optimism that has brought us to this moment of change.

Wait a sec. They… They need my support? Barack Obama's magic team of national security superheroes needs help from little old me?

Wow. I'm so sorry I mistook this for a cheap fundraising ploy. I didn't realize they needed me to save America and the world and America from the world. But since you asked, David, yes. I'm in. I'll take Secretary of Defense Hovercraft, if it's still open.

He's giving you up…

Bill Clinton is reported to have sent Barack Obama's team a list of more than 200,000 donors to his aid foundation to help clear the way for Hillary Clinton to take over as US secretary of state…

Bloomberg news agency yesterday disclosed that Bill Clinton has handed over to Obama's transition team, which is vetting Hillary Clinton, all the donors to his foundation, ranging from those who gave a few dollars to wealthy foreign leaders and business people.

Bill Clinton yesterday told reporters in New York: "I'll do whatever they [Obama's team] want." He spoke about a "deal" between Obama and Hillary Clinton.

All 200,000 donors should prepare for bi-hourly cash-seeking emails from David Plouffe.

Bailouts — one group paying off another group's staggering debt — are properly reserved for the financial institutions that keep our country's basic functions in operation. That's why the Obama transition team has named its first priority: bailing out the Democratic National Committee.

From a fundraising email sent by campaign manager David Plouffe…

We've been reviewing the books, and the DNC went into considerable debt to secure victory for Barack and Joe.

How much debt is "considerable," David? I don't have the books, but I reviewed the
Associated Press report, and the answer is $15 million. (Fancy websites and soft-lit informercials do not come cheap!) According to Plouffe, the DNC "took out substantial loans," which you'd better help repay, if you want that change in which you believe…

We'll get to work transforming this country. But first, we need to take care of the DNC.

You heard the man. Open those checkbooks, America, or else Barack Obama will let George W. Bush stay right where he is.

It turns out that prince was named David Plouffe, Obama campaign manager.

Plouffe, still sitting on an enormous pile of cash, has decided that rather than dispose of it the traditional way (swing state ads, charitable donations, incineration) is going to use it to buy airtime in Arizona…

Barack Obama's presidential campaign is taking the unprecedented step of launching its first advertising in rival John McCain’s home state of Arizona.

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe announced the advertising buy this morning, saying the campaign also would re-launch advertising in Georgia, where it hasn’t advertised in several months, and start advertising in North Dakota…

"It's enough in the realm of the possible that we want to put a little extra effort at the end,” he said. “We want to give it a go in the last few days. We wanted to see how far we can go."

The polls have already shown that McCain is no homecoming king within the state. The reasons are complex but include…

* He carpetbagged from Virginia on speculation that a House seat was opening up.

* His entire political career was made possible by his wife's beer money.

* He's been irritating his neighbors with robocalls.

* Barry Goldwater couldn't stand him.

Still, spending ad dollars in the man's home state is quite a gamble by Plouffe. Not as risky as giving a Nigerian internet prince your bank account information, but probably more hubristic.

Just ask the old David Plouffe — the one who sent all those e-mails asking us for money.

So, I just checked my email and — after explaining to Arnie that high-end paint probably isn't any more effective for his purposes than the generic stuff — I come across an email from Plouffe, that goes roughly like this…

Blah blah blah Hope. Blah blah blah McCain's a dick. Blah blah money blah blah blah donate blah blah fifty state strategy.

However,this time there was something mildly interesting in the email. A link to a video in which Plouffe promised to lay out his plans for winning the election without the use of any pit bulls, hockey moms or POW scars…

Meh. I still think they could do with a pit bull or two.