In recent weeks lawmakers have been extremely busy with the extremely important task of defunding ACORN, but sometimes things, like sacks of money or lawmakers' genitalia, "slip through the cracks."

So it was that $1 million in Homeland Security grant funding wound up going to ACORN's office in Louisiana, where one Senator was standing by to be outraged…

[The ACORN grant] was one of only three such grants issued to the state and made up almost 80 percent of the firefighting money earmarked for Louisiana, prompting one of the U.S. senators from the state to demand that the funds be taken back.

"I request that you rescind this grant based on a history of abuse of federal dollars by ACORN and their clear lack of expertise in this area," said Sen. David Vitter, Louisiana Republican.

Obvious solution that doesn't involve the hassle of canceling a check: simply inform ACORN Louisiana that they must use the grant to fund prostitution training programs, because this plays to their expertise, and also because — as far as David Vitter is concerned — this is not necessarily an "abuse of federal dollars," assuming the prostitutes follow up by killing themselves.

FLASHBACK: August 2006.
SCENE: A George Allen for Senate rally in Virginia. Our hero, GEORGE ALLEN, bounds across the stage and fires off his wacky new catchphrase, "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here." For whatever reason, people do not get the joke, and our hero suffers ignominious defeat at the hands of Democrat JIM WEBB, who had sent the macaca to the rally in the first place, and who once convinced ELAINE and NEWMAN to steal a dog.

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."

FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.

“I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.

MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.

THE END! (…OR IS IT?)

This newly-released scandal from David Vitter just seems like such a hollow and lifeless follow-up to his sex scandal from 2007.

Come on, an airport tantrum? Is this the best he could come up with?

According to an HOH tipster who witnessed the scene, the Louisiana Republican arrived Thursday evening at his United Airlines gate 20 minutes before the plane was scheduled to depart, only to find the gate had already been closed. Undeterred, Vitter opened the door, setting off a security alarm and prompting an airline worker to warn him that entering the gate was forbidden.

Vitter, our spy said, gave the airline worker an earful, employing the timeworn “do-you-know-who-I-am” tirade that apparently grew quite heated.

That led to some back and forth, and the worker announced to the irritable Vitter that he was going to summon security.

Vitter, according to the witness, remained defiant, yelling that the employee could call the police if he wanted to and their supervisors, who, presumably, might be more impressed with his Senator’s pin.

But after talking a huffy big game, Vitter apparently thought better of pushing the confrontation any further. When the gate attendant left to find a security guard, Vitter turned tail and simply fled the scene.

It's sad when you see the great ones start to lose their edge, isn't it?

Last week Louisiana Senator David Vitter, known for his whatever the oppposite of restraint is, did what any not reasonable person would do when he missed his flight.

He went bananas and pried open an armed security door…

The door sounded a security alarm.

Vitter had arrived at the gate for a flight from Dulles Airport, only to find that the door had been closed twenty minutes prior to departure.

After setting off the security alarm, the Louisiana senator proceeded to dress down an airline employee who told him entering the restricted area was forbidden. He invoked his standing as a senator, delivering a "do-you-know-who-I-am" tirade.

Yeah, don't you know who this guy is? David Vitter! Took calls from the DC Madam during roll call votes. Took a brave stand against the Secretary of State. Took a hard line on budget earmarks, except for the $249 million he earmarked himself. If anyone deserves some courtesy and an upgrade, it's this guy.

Or the people of Louisiana.

Kentucky's junior senator took the time this past weekend to drive an obsidian dagger into a live goat so that he might pull forth the sacrificial beast's steaming entrails and prognosticate the future of the U.S. Supreme Court…

U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

Senator, please tell us, though. Will Justice Ginsburg at least be killed by the good kind of cancer that you get better from?

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

The holy man then went on to predict that Barack Obama's stimulus package would drive the nation further into debt before asking his stunned congregation for some tithings…

"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.

He then finished up his rites by placing a hex…

on National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman John Cornyn of Texas… for not using Senatorial committee funds to help him and conservative Sens. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and David Vitter of Louisiana."

And not the kind he might like…

I hate it when real life is self-satirizes. It makes my job unnecessary.

Or, more unnecessary.