So it was that $1 million in Homeland Security grant funding wound up going to ACORN's office in Louisiana, where one Senator was standing by to be outraged…

[The ACORN grant] was one of only three such grants issued to the state and made up almost 80 percent of the firefighting money earmarked for Louisiana, prompting one of the U.S. senators from the state to demand that the funds be taken back.

"I request that you rescind this grant based on a history of abuse of federal dollars by ACORN and their clear lack of expertise in this area," said Sen. David Vitter, Louisiana Republican.

Obvious solution that doesn't involve the hassle of canceling a check: simply inform ACORN Louisiana that they must use the grant to fund prostitution training programs, because this plays to their expertise, and also because — as far as David Vitter is concerned — this is not necessarily an "abuse of federal dollars," assuming the prostitutes follow up by killing themselves.

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."

FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.

“I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.

MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.

THE END! (…OR IS IT?)

Come on, an airport tantrum? Is this the best he could come up with?

According to an HOH tipster who witnessed the scene, the Louisiana Republican arrived Thursday evening at his United Airlines gate 20 minutes before the plane was scheduled to depart, only to find the gate had already been closed. Undeterred, Vitter opened the door, setting off a security alarm and prompting an airline worker to warn him that entering the gate was forbidden.

Vitter, our spy said, gave the airline worker an earful, employing the timeworn “do-you-know-who-I-am” tirade that apparently grew quite heated.

That led to some back and forth, and the worker announced to the irritable Vitter that he was going to summon security.

Vitter, according to the witness, remained defiant, yelling that the employee could call the police if he wanted to and their supervisors, who, presumably, might be more impressed with his Senator’s pin.

But after talking a huffy big game, Vitter apparently thought better of pushing the confrontation any further. When the gate attendant left to find a security guard, Vitter turned tail and simply fled the scene.

It's sad when you see the great ones start to lose their edge, isn't it?

He went bananas and pried open an armed security door…

The door sounded a security alarm.

Vitter had arrived at the gate for a flight from Dulles Airport, only to find that the door had been closed twenty minutes prior to departure.

After setting off the security alarm, the Louisiana senator proceeded to dress down an airline employee who told him entering the restricted area was forbidden. He invoked his standing as a senator, delivering a "do-you-know-who-I-am" tirade.

Yeah, don't you know who this guy is? David Vitter! Took calls from the DC Madam during roll call votes. Took a brave stand against the Secretary of State. Took a hard line on budget earmarks, except for the $249 million he earmarked himself. If anyone deserves some courtesy and an upgrade, it's this guy.

Or the people of Louisiana.

U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

Senator, please tell us, though. Will Justice Ginsburg at least be killed by the good kind of cancer that you get better from?

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

The holy man then went on to predict that Barack Obama's stimulus package would drive the nation further into debt before asking his stunned congregation for some tithings…

"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.

He then finished up his rites by placing a hex…

on National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman John Cornyn of Texas… for not using Senatorial committee funds to help him and conservative Sens. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and David Vitter of Louisiana."

I hate it when real life is self-satirizes. It makes my job unnecessary.

Or, more unnecessary.

The plan is expected to pass, but that doesn't mean Congressional Republicans are happy about it. GOP leaders have been howling about dozens of line items in the plan, including this touchy subject…

House Republican Leader John Boehner issued a statement over the weekend noting that the stimulus bill wending its way through Congress provides $4.19 billion for "neighborhood stabilization activities."

Hm! That doesn't sound like the kind of thing that might help a country in times of trouble.

He said the money was previously limited to state and local governments, but that Democrats now want part of it to be available to non-profit entities. That means groups like ACORN would be eligible for a portion of the funds.

So if I understand Boehner correctly, Barack Obama's plan will involve writing a $4.19 billion check directly to ACORN, memo line: "Have fun committing voter fraud, xoxo BO." Is there another Republican who can tell me exactly why this is such a scandalous, sleazy thing?

Sen. David Vitter, R-La., told FOX News Tuesday that the money could be seen as "payoff" for groups' political activities in the last election. ACORN generally supports Democratic candidates and actively backed President Obama last year.

It certainly could be seen that way. Of course, it could also be seen as funding for the redevelopment of abandoned and foreclosed homes, but I like Sen. Vitter's way better.

His way makes me feel hot with righteous indignation, and it's like -10 today.

* Bush staffers say farewell to eight years of White House work, preparing to move onto fulfilling careers.

* Will history regard Bush as poorly as Americans do?

* GOP senators say Secretary of Labor nominee not working out.

* Is anybody actually still counting on a Coleman win? Really?

* Millions set to cheer Tiger Woods on Inauguration Day. No, seriously, I'm not being racist.

* Dan Savage: "So Sen. Vitter isn't coming to the Inauguration then?" (It's funny 'cause it's mean.)

* Atheists praying Barack Obama won't say "God."

* He could say "banana." He could totally say "banana." Lots of people say "banana" all the time.

* From his cold dead hands!

(image via Think Progress)

Would Senators give the incoming administration the $350 billion that remains in the troubled asset relief program, so those funds could be handed out to greedy/fail-prone banks and/or the homeowners upon whom the greedy, fail-prone banks have foreclosed?

Or would Senators perpetrate their first rebellion against the president-elect by voting to block the funds' release and/or dumping crates of tea in the Potomac?

Well, what do you think?

The Senate on Thursday approved the release of the second half of the $700 billion bailout package to the incoming Obama administration.

The Senate voted 42-52 against a resolution disapproving the release of the funds sponsored by Sen. David Vitter (R-La.).

Ah yes, David Vitter.

You remember David Vitter and his somewhat strained history with the Senate, don't you?

Of course you do.

(image via The Dollar Arist)

Chairman John Kerry (D-Mass.) said Clinton did "an outstanding job" at Tuesday’s hearing…

Clinton also received praise from Republicans Thursday, such as from Sen. Jim DeMint of South Carolina. "Like most of us, I think Sen. Clinton could be one of our best secretaries of state," DeMint said.

Of course, you never can please everybody. Whether you're running for president, defending your nomination to the cabinet, voting to invade a sovereign nation based upon shoddy evidence, or trying to choose just seven captions out of a hundred or more for a weekly photo challenge, you're always gonna get at least one loud dissenter.

And you'll never ever in a million years guess who Clinton's was…

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), who had raised conflict-of-interest concerns about President Bill Clinton’s charitable foundation during the former first lady's confirmation hearing on Tuesday, was the lone dissenting vote…

In a statement issued after the vote, Vitter said Clinton is “a smart, capable colleague, and I take no pleasure in voting against her confirmation.”

"But I must do so for one compelling reason," Vitter said. "I believe President Clinton's business and foundation dealings are a multimillion dollar minefield of conflicts of interest. And this could produce explosions at any minute, particularly concerning the Middle East where we least need them."

You remember David Vitter and his somewhat strained history with the Clintons, don't you?

Of course you do.