The winner of the race for Alaska's sole House seat wasn't really in doubt after Election Day, when longtime incumbent Rep. Don Young led Democratic challenger Ethan Berkowitz by more than 16,000 votes.

It still took Berkowitz until Tuesday afternoon, with the counting of nearly all the outstanding ballots, to concede defeat to Republican Young…

Pollsters had counted Young out but they were wrong.

Wonder why those pollsters were so down on Don Young?

Could it have anything to do with the fact that…

* He's raised/spent over $1 million in legal fees amid charges that he's tied up with the same oil company that Ted Stevens has been feloniously porking.

* He used his jurisdiction as Alaska Congressman to steer $10 million to a fundraiser's construction project in Florida.

* If he were any more tied to Jack Abramoff, he'd own an Indian casino.

* Even the Club for Growth campaigned against him.

* He swung a walrus penis bone at the former U.S. Fish and Wildlife director.

* His wife is a tyrannical, computer-hating, pumpkin seed-devouring bitch.

The list goes on, but I should probably let the FBI conclude their investigation against Young before commenting any further.

Needless to say, if the G-Men decide to proceed with an arrest, they won't have a hard time finding Young.

Whether they come searching tomorrow, next year or in 2022, he'll be in his Capitol Hill office — right where the people of Alaska want him.

2/3 of your congressional delegation is going to prison. And you re-elected them.

This plus Palin really makes me want to come visit and meet the fuck out of every single one of you guys. In fact, I've got your new tourism slogan all worked out:

Alaska: What in the Hell Goes On Up There?

Is that Ted Stevens International Airport I hear buzzing?

Being a Democrat.

What we're getting at is that somehow GOP Rep. Don Young (he of the Jack Abramoff affiliations) and Sen. Ted Stevens (he of the seven felony convictions) continue to lead in election returns as we approach 5 a.m. in the East.

What's wrong with Democrats, Alaska?  Was the last one you sent to Washington such a disaster that you're now morally opposed to ever doing it again?  Honestly, how bad could it have been under that last Democrat, who was… let's see here…

Mike Gravel???

Alright, maybe you have a point there, Alaska.

Yet, that's exactly what Obama — and John McCain, along with leadership in both Houses of Congress — did last week.

Of course, Obama wasn't the one who loaded up the bill with earmarks. That task fell to statesmen such as…

* Rep. Peter DeFazio (D-OR), who seeks a tax break for arrow manufacturers in his home district.

* Rep. Don Young (R-AK), who as House porker-in-chief, seeks a tax break for the perpetrators in the Exxon Valdez oil spill.

* An anonymous sponsor, who seeks tax write-offs for the owners of NASCAR racetracks.

Thankfully, these provisions and many others made it in to the bill, which is why our financial institutions survived the weekend and why we aren't all speaking Mandarin, Russian or Arabic right now.

Time to celebrate with some ribs and bacon.

Callers looking for a Maine congressional candidate's campaign office are instead directed to a phone sex line, thanks to a phone book mistake.

The latest Talking Phonebook for the Portland area lists a toll-free number for Republican 1st District candidate Charlie Summers' campaign office in Saco.

But when people call the number, they are greeted by a woman's voice inviting them to call another toll-free number, which turns out to be a phone sex line.

Summers claims this was a giant misunderstanding, but he'll change his tune when he gets to Congress and learns that whoring over the phone is basically his job.

Just ask Rep. Don Young (R-AK), who published an "intern survival guide" that was little more than a list of lobbyists who have full phone access to Young. They call in, pony up some cash, and Young porks them in return.

Sound like fun, Charlie Summers? I give him a month in Congress before he starts longing for the days of plain, old-fashioned phone sex.

So then what the hell was this Maverick doing when she served as director of a 527 group for indicted Senator Ted Stevens?

And while we're at it, why did her website feature a video of Stevens endorsing her up through last week?

Could it be because she’d been hitting up Stevens and his Senate Appropriations Committee for $27 million worth of federal pork projects for her hometown of Wasilla, population 8.471?  Or because she’s now asking Stevens for another $197.8 million in federal earmarks in next year's federal budget?

Or maybe it’s just that, as a fellow Alaska Republican, it’s Palin’s duty to stand tall with Stevens as he awaits trial. But historical precedent suggests otherwise…

You didn't see ex-Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco defending fellow Democrat William Jefferson when the latter was found to be hoarding $90,000 worth of bribe money in a freezer. And unless we missed it, Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter certainly hasn’t been performing restroom blowjobs to show solidarity with Sen. Larry Craig.

But I guess ignoring precedents is what made Palin a Maverick to being with.

But all that could be coming to an end on Tuesday…

The two men who once were considered unbeatable now face bruising fights in Tuesday's primary election that could put their once solidly Republican congressional seats up for grabs. Both have been caught up in a long-running federal investigation that has already seen three GOP state lawmakers, the former governor's chief of staff and three others convicted on corruption charges.

Stevens — visionary behind the infamous Bridge to Nowhere — has been indicted for failing to report gifts from an oil company that remodeled his home in exchange for political favors.

Young — who hasn't even bothered to limit his pork projects to Alaska — has spent over one million dollars in legal fees, in hopes of staving off an indictment in the very same investigation.

Of the two porkers, Young stands the greater chance of losing his primary on Tuesday. His opponent, Lt. Governor Sean Parnell, has been endorsed by Gov. Sarah Palin, and even national conservative groups have lined up to rip Young on TV.

Young, with his trademark grace, has embraced Parnell's candidacy ever since the Republican state convention in March…

"Sean, congratulations. I beat your dad and I'm going to beat you," Young said, referring to the 1980 race in which he trounced Pat Parnell, who ran as a Democrat.

Music to the ears of Democrat Ethan Berkowitz, who gets to take on the winner.

Calling Collect! As you've read in this space before, Congressman Don Young (R-AK) has never let integrity or his constituents stand between him and his beloved lobbyists. And now the man dubbed "Mr. Pork" by Rolling Stone has the papers to prove it, following the leak of his "Survival Guide" for interns at his Washington office.

The Guide lists an "A-Team" of nine persons who are permitted to "talk to whomever they want" when they phone Young's office. And all nine of them are — can you guess? — lobbyists! That's right, we're talking folks like Rick Alcalde, who lobbies on behalf of Daniel Aronoff — the real estate developer for whom the Alaska Congressman earmarked $10 million in his adopted home district of Southwest Florida! And Randy DeLay, whose brother Tom was a noted Texas roach exterminator (as well as a former House Majority Leader)!

Once "The A-Team" is satiated, phone priorities go to other members of Congress and government officials. Riding the caboose are Young's actual Alaskan constituents. Notably omitted from the list is U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Director Mollie Beattie, who apparently has stopped calling since Young swung an 18-inch walrus penis bone at her.

Besides phone guidelines, the "Survival Guide" details the various demands of that will be placed on Young's interns, primarily by the Congressman's tyrant of a wife, Lula. Among other things, notes the Guide, "Mrs. Y… does not permit noise from computers" and "wants pumpkin seeds when she says sunflower seeds." Sounds like she must be the life of the party at Young's illegal golf fundraisers!

So how does the release of this "Survival Guide" affect you, gentle reader? Well, if you're bored right now, why not drop what you're doing and give Young a call on his office line — (202) 225-5765. If you want "to talk to whomever you want," just identify yourself as a lobbyist and explain you're calling in a rush delivery for a heaping order of pork!

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

This Week’s Politician in Trouble! Happy 75th birthday to U.S. Representative Don Young (R-AK)! This year's gift will be the loss of the congressional seat he's held for over three decades!

You see, Young is being investigated for his role in diverting $10 million from a refurbishment of Interstate 75 outside of Fort Myers, Florida. Acting well within his jurisdiction as Congressman from Alaska, Young tried to extort Florida officials, purportedly by demanding that they rename Interstate 75 "Don Young's Way" and also rename their state "Don Young."

Rebuffed on both accounts, Young then turned to the only page in his playbook: Divert the funds to a campaign contributor's pork project! And so prominent Young fundraiser Daniel Aronoff (just 3 letters and a six-year sentence away from "Abramoff") got that $10 million to beef up roads surrounding his Lee County, FL construction project.

Back home in Alaska (secretly renamed "Youngsylvania" in a midnight legislative session led by Young and Aronoff), voters may be ready to cut ties with their power-swilling congressman of 35 years. The Pages are hoping they'll do what so many other Americans have done when sending an old, embarrassing politician out to pasture: Elect his wife or child instead!