Except, don't join that club! Because it turns out that the fact that the Olympics aren't going to be held in Chicago means that Barack Obama has lost his re-election bid in 2012 and also that the world has decided to impeach him from the world…

Give up, everybody else on the Internet. You will never beat Matt Drudge.

Developing…

It's kind of hard to figure out if Drudge is actually asking why Chelsea Clinton isn't being seriously considered to replace her mother as a senator from New York, or if he's just being a prick and trying to highlight how little public office experience Caroline Kennedy actually has.

Either way, he doesn't seem to be deterred by the fact that Clinton is only 28 years old and therefore two years too young to be a senator, as evidenced by this non-informational parenthetical he includes below the question…

[3 Senators that were constitutionally disqualified due to age WERE admitted to the Senate]

Thanks for the civics lesson, Professor Drudge. We're sure to ace our final with that priceless bit of trivia.

EXIT POLLS CLAIM 'OBAMA +15' IN PA... DEVELOPING...

Given the accuracy of exit polls in 2004 and the general trustworthiness of The Drudge Report, I think it's safe to assume David Hasselhoff will win Pennsylvania by a margin of eleventy-hundred pingpong balls.

Now, Talking Points Memo is jumping in on the action, confirming the earlier reports that the black people were indeed being black…

[An Obama supporter] confirms that there were in fact two black panthers guarding the polling place, a nursing home on Fairmont Avenue in north Philadelphia, earlier this morning.

Aha!

But she says one was an officially designated poll watcher (it was not immediately clear which municipal office had designated him in that role), and the second was his friend. The second panther, who left two or three hours ago, was the one with the nightstick, she says.

I don't know about you, but all my friends carry nightsticks. Don't yours?

Dischell says that earlier this morning a few men who identified themselves as being from the McCain campaign came and started taking pictures of the two panthers on their cell phones. She suggested that they seemed to be baiting the panthers, and that the designated watcher may have given one of them the finger in response to the picture taking.

Wow! I have not heard this crazy aspect of this monumental isolated supposedly-meaningful event! The finger?! That's fucking disrespectful!

We might need to call this a mis-election and go all the way back to the beginning and start all over again.

That's the headline on the Drudge Report right now. One exclamation point. No question marks. Zero flashing sirens.

Matt Drudge's soul has been crushed by ennui.

KMBC's Micheal Mahoney reports a company in Kansas City, which specializes in political literature, has been printing Obama-Bayh material…

Gill Studios, would not confirm information about the material. They would not deny it either. At least three sources close to the plant's operations reported the Obama-Bayh material was being produced…

Here's the website for Gill Studios, the company that's supposedly printing the bumper stickers. Doesn't exactly look like the kind of company that would be privy to that info.

I don't think they'd get to know who the new VP at the local Chemical Bank is.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson issued an apology to Barack Obama Wednesday for criticizing the Illinois senator's recent comments directed toward some members of the black community.

According to Jackson, a Fox News microphone picked up comments he meant to deliver privately that seemed to disparage the presumptive Democratic nominee for appearing to lecture the black community on morality.

What the fuck is wrong with him? If I were a controversial black Democrat, I wouldn't even think disparaging comments about Barack Obama near a Fox News microphone.

Jackson didn't elaborate on the context of his remarks, except to say he was trying to explain that Obama was hurting his relationship with black voters by recently conducting "moral" lectures at African-American churches.

According to Matt Drudge, Fox News will be airing Jackson's mysteriously defamatory comments on — you guessed it — The O'Reilly Factor (sponsored by Auntie Thelma's Motherfucking Iced Tea) tonight at 8pm.

* On a completely irrelevant note, this is the third Jesse-related post of the day. On most days, there are zero Jesse-related posts. The others are here and here. I'm really pulling for John Stamos to do something interesting in the next hour or so!

But, seriously, though: If Hillary Clinton can't easily work a coffee machine in a 7/11, how can we expect her to serve as chief executive of the country? (I'm smart at politics!)

So far, we know that Hillary Clinton can't make coffee, Barack Obama can't bowl and John McCain can't use his brain to remember things.

Ralph Nader, we need you now.

As Democratic Senators Barack Obama of Illinois and Hillary Clinton of New York slug it out for the nomination, many of their supporters — at least in Pennsylvania, site of the next major primary — aren't committed to the party's ticket in November, according to a Franklin & Marshall College Poll.

Among Obama supporters, 20 percent said they would vote for Sen. John McCain of Arizona, the Republican nominee, if Clinton beats their candidate for the nomination. Among Clinton supporters, 19 percent said they would support McCain in November if Obama is the Democratic nominee.

Oh, wow! That's pretty scary for Democrats. It pretty much guarantees a GOP win, based upon this poll that was conducted a few weeks before a big state primary while tempers are really flying high, seven months before the actual general election. There's nothing to be done, as far as I can see. They might as well give up now! Everybody grab a stick and start beating people! This is the end of the Democratic party!!!

Wait a minute… There was something in that first paragraph that seemed kind of off. Can we take another look at that?

As Democratic Senators Barack Obama of Illinois and Hillary Clinton of New York slug it out for the nomination, many of their supporters — at least in Pennsylvania, site of the next major primary — aren't committed to the party's ticket in November, according to a Franklin & Marshall College Poll.

What the fuck is a Franklin & Marshall College Poll? I've been reading a lot of polls these past few months, and I've never seen a Franklin & Marshall College Poll listed in with the bunch ever. This must be a really important one to only be sited so rarely and then have Matt Drudge — in his infinite probity — splash it across the top of his website.

Let's take a closer look at this paragon of polling data (pdf)…

The survey findings presented in this release are based on the results of interviews conducted March 11-16, 2008. The interviews were conducted at the Center for Opinion Research at Franklin & Marshall College under the direction of the poll�s Director, Dr. G. Terry Madonna, Head Methodologist, Berwood Yost, and Project Manager, Jennifer Harding. Interviews were completed with 464 registered Democrats in Pennsylvania. Telephone numbers for the survey were generated via random digit dialing, and respondents were randomly selected from within each household. The sample error for the entire sample is +/- 4.5percent. Among the 294 likely Democratic voters, the sample error is slightly larger (+/- 5.7 percent). In addition to sampling error, this poll is also subject to other sources of error that could arise, such as questionnaire design, non-response, and the interviewing process itself.

Um… I guess I would prefer a larger sampling set than 294 people if I was gonna predict the downfall of the Democratic in an election cycle when they're heavily favored to take back the White House. If I were the eminent Dr. G. Terry Madonna, I'd maybe consider calling a few more people. I'm pretty sure that I've had days in which I've spoken to close to that number of telemarketers.

But still, I suppose we should assume that anyone from Franklin & Marshall College must know what he's doing. The very fact that I've never heard of it means that it must be an awesome powerhouse of data-collecting might.