The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Or something.

I don't know. I stopped reading after I'd kinda gotten the gist.

Narcs and Recreation

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Coke Blockers

Low Riders in the Sky

Senor Citizen Discount

Pot Tunnel

Herb Store Cowboys

El Chapter Final

* Sasha Obama discovers George W.'s old hiding spot.

* The angrytownhall Twitter feed exposes the government's socialized fire extinguishing scheme.

* "Just because you are alive doesn't mean you deserve to stay alive." – Well, now that you've put it that way…

* The economic down turn hits the fundamental base of our business community.

* Free torture trading cards? I don't know. That sounds kind of socialisty.

"Amsterdam is a cesspool of corruption. Everything is out of control, it's anarchy", a sidekick of Fox News conservative anchor Bill O'Reilly said during a broadcast in December 2008.

The O'Reilly Factor wanted to prove the point that the liberal drug policy of the Netherlands had backfired, since the Dutch government was planning to tighten the rules governing soft drugs use. "The Netherlands are becoming more conservative", said O'Reilly.

Anarchy! Total anarchy! There's fuckin' tulips and wooden shoes and hacked-off ears flying all over the place in that city, I'm tellin' ya!

Anyway, some hashished-up denizen of that lowly metropolis managed to un-entangle his or herself from the orgy pile long enough to issue this belated (c'mon, it's Holland time) response…

Sorry, I guess I should have added a NSFW warning before making you watch that.

Over the past few weeks, we've explored the sibling rivalry between television/radio correspondents and bloggers. But what better way to end this feature than with an inspiring story which shows us how blogger-correspondent collaboration can literally save lives…

It seemed like any other Amtrak train on any other crisp April night. But it very much was not. Greta Von Susteren and her husband were aboard the DC-NY Amtrak train, when, all of a sudden, Von Susteren's husband, John Coale, heard a frightening sound, and nudged his wife to attention. Greta recognized the sound and knew it was one thing and one thing only: a food allergy attack. Herself a food allergic individual, Greta knew what she needed to do. Armed with a bendaryl tablet, Von Susteren ran to the rescue of the would-be victim and bravely administered the antihistamine.

The saved allergy-sufferer recalls the "indescribably terrifying" attack and the soothing words of her savior. "She was like 'I think I know what is happening to you. Don't worry about it. We're going to get you a Benadryl'." Though she'll never know for sure, the Benadryl recipient suspects that without the interVontion, "It would have been a thousand times worse." Greta claims, "I didn't do anything heroic. I did what anyone would have done." Maybe anyone would have done this.

But the person Von Susteren saved wasn't just anyone. She was none other than "far-left person" Ana Marie Cox.

The Fox News correspondent's actions were so brave Bill O'Reilly knighted Von Susteren a "Patriot" and stated that "Ironically, Miss Cox, a far-left person, now may owe her life to the Fox News Channel." Destiny (or bladder control) intervened once again, a month later when the two ran into each other, a month later, in the ladies room at White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Amidst the sound of hand blow dryers and flushing toilets, Cox uttered the following words: "Thank you for saving my life."

These women certainly have their differences (see chart below). But they were able to put them aside.

Imagine how many lives could be saved through correspondent-blogger collaboration! What if they put down their weapons — their pens, their handheld devices aimed to tweet, their scripts — with which they fight each other, and instead, pick up a Benadyrl and Epipen and unite around the common enemy of food allergies.

How many people die each day, nameless casualties of blogger on blogger, correspondent on correspondent, and blogger on correspondent, correspondent on blogger violence? If this story shows us anything — anything at all — it is that the world will be a better and safer place if we bridge the gaps that threaten to separate us, and refrain from ordering Amtrak's lentil salad.

Frank has filed a bill that would eliminate federal penalties for personal possession of less than 100 grams of marijuana. It would also make the penalty for using marijuana in public just $100.

"I think John Stuart Mill had it right in the 1850s," said Congressman Frank, "when he argued that individuals should have the right to do what they want in private, so long as they don't hurt anyone else. It's a matter of personal liberty.

"Moreover, our courts are already stressed and our prisons are over-crowded. We don't need to spend our scarce resources prosecuting people who are doing no harm to others."

I'm not sure who this John Stuart Mill person is, but he's got three names, and that makes me dislike him for some reason. Seems intellectually, doesn't it?

Besides that, this concept of personal liberty just sounds wrong and un-American. I mean, really, where does it end? It's a slippery slope. One minute people are deciding that they'd like to smoke a certain kind of cigarette while they watch Big Trouble in Little China, and the next they're having sex with a circus elephant while an albino motorcycle enthusiast injects slime mold into their eye sockets.

It can happen! Mark my words!

He said that he believes that the U.S. Constitution gives the fifty states the right to legalize hemp production or marijuana. He said the issue was a matter of personal liberty but added that drug users should not be entitled to government-funded treatment if they abuse legalized drugs.

Not in a free market America, they shouldn't. That would make them a burden on society. Instead, they should seek treatment on reality television, where their struggles can be put to good use entertaining fellow drug users.

"If drugs are legal and people misuse them, then they do it at their own risk," he said. Bottom line, said Paul: "I do trust individuals to make their own decisions."

And that's when everybody listening to him realized that Ron Paul has never met anybody who has ever been on drugs ever.

I'm in favor of legalizing — or at least regulating — a lot of drugs, particularly marijuana. But I won't even trust my pothead friends to make decisions concerning the CD player most of the time.*

.

* There's only so many times you can hear that same fucking Morcheeba album before your views start skewing toward totalitarian control of the stereo.

They Were Asking For It: Ladies and germs, the thirteen people responsible for helping America make an awkward transition from civilized beacon of civilization, to barbaric, medieval fiefdom of torture. Bra-VO! [salon.com]

Drug Thugs Prison-Proof: In the pre-post-apocalyptic world that is Mexico, a phalanx of twenty narco-storm troopers traipsed into a prison and freed fifty inmates, who are all likely affiliated with one of the powerful drug cartels the Mexican government is warring with. [cnn.com]

Swine Flu Fatality: Do not panic, but the dreaded swine flu has claimed it's first victim in New York City. Oh heck, panic. Because the media wants to reinforce that this story is about you, not about one family's sudden, tragic loss. [ap.com]

It Burns When I Pee: Once upon a time, there was a little boy who had a fish living in his peehole. This is bad news for this unfortunate young man, and bad news for those with dude-specific genitalia. [news.com]