First Lady Michelle Obama is launching a mentoring program in which female White House senior staff impart educational, career development and life skills to young girls.

Explaining the program, the First Lady said…

"When we came to the White House, we thought 'wow, we've got the most powerful seat in the land to help be a bridge builder… So we started thinking of new ways to bring new kids in, to have their voices heard, to know that the President of the United States hears you and values you and cares about your growth and development."

And in nurturing that development, the program hopes to offer several life lessons and tutorials gleaned from this administration's rise to power and first year in office, including…

* It's not how well you do your job, it's how poorly the guy you're replacing did his

* Finding places to store your audacious, but unused, hope

* Compromising your dreams: It only hurts forever

Oh, man! Listen to the music in this anti-gay people advertisement from Maine. With that kind of scary music, you know this threat, whatever it is, has got to be mind-pulverizingly threatening!

Oh Em Gee! They are continuing with their devious plan to extend full rights to everybody in Maine. They have been working tirelessly to take away your God-given right to discriminate against homosexuals for four whole years! They are trying to make your children not be as bigoted and small-minded as their parents.

They are trying to force you to live in a world that is not the same as the one your grandparents didn't actually live in! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

By the way, who are they?

The Associated Press is apparently gunning for the much coveted anti-intelligence demographic (otherwise known as Fox's audience)…

Put aside for a moment the question of whether government is actually intruding into people's lives more than before. The point is that many people feel like it is — in part because Obama doesn't stop talking about his goals.

If President George W. Bush got slapped around for being inarticulate, is Obama obnoxiously articulate?

Wow! That is a really good question. One that really needs to be considered and discussed. I think that our generation might just be defined by this very weighty question.

I mean, I myself would like to offer my thoughts on this issue of obnoxious articulation… but I don't know what that means.

And I'll be fucking dead in the ground before I crack open one of those liberal dictionary things. That's where The Devil lives.

Have you heard? President Obama wants to extend school days and maybe even abolish Summer vacation. It's all part of his evil plan to indoctrinate the nation's children with knowledge. And before you know it, the President's army of brainiacs will be coming to take our jobs. In fact, from the looks of last night's Colbert Report, it may have already started.

After the jump, Stephen talks to Education Secretary Arne Duncan.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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Can you believe this guy? He's taking advantage of those with underdeveloped minds to plant his seeds of evil and bring down all of American society as we know it. But enough about Glenn Beck and his audience, the President brainwashed our kids!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Don't you just hate it when you go out for a nice steak dinner with your teammates, you have a few too many soda pops, things get a little hazy and then — BAM! — you wake up bathed in the Blood of the Lamb? Ugh! I can't even count how many times that's happened to me…

My favorite part is the reverend's brilliant rationalization for how he and the football coach aren't guilty of date-baptizing a bunch of teenage boys…

"The twist is that a coach brought a bunch of guys here to get them baptized. And there's no truth in that at all. The coach brought a bunch of guys here to be encouraged that night, and out of the process of that, God called a bunch of people to have a relationship with them."

You see? It wasn't the coach at all? He just happened to bring the kids to a church where God happened to be hiding behind a door with a cooking oil and a Bible. It all happened so fast, no one even got a good look at Him. He maybe had a white beard and flowing robe, but, then again, He might have been all blue and had six arms.

That's why I don't go anywhere — anywhere! — without a baptism whistle around my neck. God got me once when I was too young to defend myself, and I spent the next two decades dealing with the psychological trauma. I'll never let that happen to me again.