Explaining the program, the First Lady said…

"When we came to the White House, we thought 'wow, we've got the most powerful seat in the land to help be a bridge builder… So we started thinking of new ways to bring new kids in, to have their voices heard, to know that the President of the United States hears you and values you and cares about your growth and development."

And in nurturing that development, the program hopes to offer several life lessons and tutorials gleaned from this administration's rise to power and first year in office, including…

* It's not how well you do your job, it's how poorly the guy you're replacing did his

* Finding places to store your audacious, but unused, hope

* Compromising your dreams: It only hurts forever

Oh Em Gee! They are continuing with their devious plan to extend full rights to everybody in Maine. They have been working tirelessly to take away your God-given right to discriminate against homosexuals for four whole years! They are trying to make your children not be as bigoted and small-minded as their parents.

They are trying to force you to live in a world that is not the same as the one your grandparents didn't actually live in! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

By the way, who are they?

Put aside for a moment the question of whether government is actually intruding into people's lives more than before. The point is that many people feel like it is — in part because Obama doesn't stop talking about his goals.

If President George W. Bush got slapped around for being inarticulate, is Obama obnoxiously articulate?

Wow! That is a really good question. One that really needs to be considered and discussed. I think that our generation might just be defined by this very weighty question.

I mean, I myself would like to offer my thoughts on this issue of obnoxious articulation… but I don't know what that means.

And I'll be fucking dead in the ground before I crack open one of those liberal dictionary things. That's where The Devil lives.

After the jump, Stephen talks to Education Secretary Arne Duncan.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

My favorite part is the reverend's brilliant rationalization for how he and the football coach aren't guilty of date-baptizing a bunch of teenage boys…

"The twist is that a coach brought a bunch of guys here to get them baptized. And there's no truth in that at all. The coach brought a bunch of guys here to be encouraged that night, and out of the process of that, God called a bunch of people to have a relationship with them."

You see? It wasn't the coach at all? He just happened to bring the kids to a church where God happened to be hiding behind a door with a cooking oil and a Bible. It all happened so fast, no one even got a good look at Him. He maybe had a white beard and flowing robe, but, then again, He might have been all blue and had six arms.

That's why I don't go anywhere — anywhere! — without a baptism whistle around my neck. God got me once when I was too young to defend myself, and I spent the next two decades dealing with the psychological trauma. I'll never let that happen to me again.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney…

A decision by the University of Wyoming to name a new center for international students for former Vice President Dick Cheney is drawing criticism from people who say Cheney's support for the Iraq war and harsh interrogation techniques should disqualify him from the distinction…

The center is funded in part with $3.2 million the Cheneys donated to the university in several installments while he was vice president…

"We feel that by naming it the Cheney International Center, that the programs and UW can't avoid being identified with that ideology and that approach to global politics that the Bush-Cheney administration championed," Pelican said Tuesday.

Awesome! The new Cheney Center for International Students should really fill out the quad nicely, right alongside the university's excellent Lohan Center for Feminist Studies and the Vick Center for Veterinary Medicine.

At any rate, it's gotta be more popular than the old Cheney Center for International Students (his basement).

* Here's some other fine, upstanding Americans of days past who did their part to stem the flow of Communism.

* A hard look at Obama's zombification of our children.

* Levi Johnston is cured of his Wasilla-wear blues.

* Arianna Huffington's heartfelt thanks to Glenn Beck for his part in forcing Van Jones' resignation.

Here's the disgusting pro-education propaganda speech that Barack Obama is spewinged into our public schools, in case you're interested…

Here's the text of his indoctrination speech, so you can follow along karaoke-style.

Apparently, our Socialist-in-Chief will be involved in this…

On Sept. 8 at 8 p.m., all of Viacom's U.S. television properties will join together to simultaneously air Get Schooled: You Have the Right, a 30-minute special that highlights education challenges and breakthroughs experienced by three leading figures.

Et tu, TV? I thought you were Americans' only true friend.

Decent ignorance is being attacked from every direction!