Zero: The number of times in our nation's 232 year history, as of the time of writing, that the country — despite being originally populated by dark-skinned Eurasian migrants, having a multi-continental populace going back longer than the country itself, currently boasting a citizenry with genetic ties to every conceivable place in the world, and a roughly equal (though leaning female) gender breakdown — has seen fit to elect a non-white, non-male person as either its president or vice president.

Today is the last day in our nation's history that we'll ever have to admit that again.

Besides being the loneliest number that you ever knew, 1 happens to be the number of nations under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all that the United States is.

Rolling Stone magazine has featured the beatific image of Our Lord and Savior 2 times on its cover.

Once in March of 2008, alongside the not at all embarrassingly cloying title "A New Hope," and once again only four months later in July with no title or words whatsoever to compete with his lovely visage, save for the title of the magazine (which his head is mostly obscuring).

Because, really, what can you say?

Between the two of them, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have managed to go their lives having only been arrested for drunk driving a shockingly low 3 times!

And, to their further credit, no hookers will killed in the process.

(I know a certain Democratic Lion of the Senate who can't say as much.)

Despite his relatively youthful 67 years of age, the United States' current vice president, Dick Cheney, has suffered 4 heart attacks.

Luckily for him and the country, only the third one was fatal.

(He continues to perambulate solely by shear force of meanness.)

In a little less than a week, we'll be heading to the polls to choose which incompetent blowhards we'll be stuck with for the next 6 years.

Choose wisely.