Zero: The number of times in our nation's 232 year history, as of the time of writing, that the country — despite being originally populated by dark-skinned Eurasian migrants, having a multi-continental populace going back longer than the country itself, currently boasting a citizenry with genetic ties to every conceivable place in the world, and a roughly equal (though leaning female) gender breakdown — has seen fit to elect a non-white, non-male person as either its president or vice president.

Today is the last day in our nation's history that we'll ever have to admit that again.

Besides being the loneliest number that you ever knew, 1 happens to be the number of nations under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all that the United States is.

Rolling Stone magazine has featured the beatific image of Our Lord and Savior 2 times on its cover.

Once in March of 2008, alongside the not at all embarrassingly cloying title "A New Hope," and once again only four months later in July with no title or words whatsoever to compete with his lovely visage, save for the title of the magazine (which his head is mostly obscuring).

Because, really, what can you say?

Between the two of them, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have managed to go their lives having only been arrested for drunk driving a shockingly low 3 times!

And, to their further credit, no hookers will killed in the process.

(I know a certain Democratic Lion of the Senate who can't say as much.)

Despite his relatively youthful 67 years of age, the United States' current vice president, Dick Cheney, has suffered 4 heart attacks.

Luckily for him and the country, only the third one was fatal.

(He continues to perambulate solely by shear force of meanness.)

In a little less than a week, we'll be heading to the polls to choose which incompetent blowhards we'll be stuck with for the next 6 years.

Choose wisely.

With exactly one week left to go until Election Day, I feel the need to confess to an egregious error of mine that has been weighing heavily on my mind.

Twenty days ago, on October 8th, I stated that there are 27 Articles in the U.S. Constitution. This was an incorrect statement. In fact, there are only 7 Articles in the Constitution and 27 Amendments.

This was a most unfortunate mistake on my part. A mistake that brings me no end of psychological pain. One that I will have to live with for the rest of my days.

My one slight bit of solace comes with the fact that I have no family or friends to shame through my negligence, as they all disowned me several months ago when I carelessly transposed the "i" and "e" in Joe Lieberman's name.

Okay, so now that we're just slightly more than a week out from the election and everyone's nerves are frayed, I'd imagine people are calling "the guy" with greater and greater frequency as they burn through their 8ths a lot faster than before.

With that in mind, tonight — while you're trying to decide between Bubblegum Fiesta or Tropic Apple Dream — give a quick thought what it's going to take to get this idiotic law off the books.

And maybe consider stopping the MPP and seeing what they have to say.

Between 1860 and 1861, 11 states decided to secede from the United States and form a new nation called The Confederate States of America.

These states now make up the majority of what is referred to as "Real America."

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)