Zero: The number of times in our nation's 232 year history, as of the time of writing, that the country — despite being originally populated by dark-skinned Eurasian migrants, having a multi-continental populace going back longer than the country itself, currently boasting a citizenry with genetic ties to every conceivable place in the world, and a roughly equal (though leaning female) gender breakdown — has seen fit to elect a non-white, non-male person as either its president or vice president.

Today is the last day in our nation's history that we'll ever have to admit that again.

Besides being the loneliest number that you ever knew, 1 happens to be the number of nations under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all that the United States is.

Rolling Stone magazine has featured the beatific image of Our Lord and Savior 2 times on its cover.

Once in March of 2008, alongside the not at all embarrassingly cloying title "A New Hope," and once again only four months later in July with no title or words whatsoever to compete with his lovely visage, save for the title of the magazine (which his head is mostly obscuring).

Because, really, what can you say?

Between the two of them, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have managed to go their lives having only been arrested for drunk driving a shockingly low 3 times!

And, to their further credit, no hookers will killed in the process.

(I know a certain Democratic Lion of the Senate who can't say as much.)

Despite his relatively youthful 67 years of age, the United States' current vice president, Dick Cheney, has suffered 4 heart attacks.

Luckily for him and the country, only the third one was fatal.

(He continues to perambulate solely by shear force of meanness.)

In a little less than a week, we'll be heading to the polls to choose which incompetent blowhards we'll be stuck with for the next 6 years.

Choose wisely.

With exactly one week left to go until Election Day, I feel the need to confess to an egregious error of mine that has been weighing heavily on my mind.

Twenty days ago, on October 8th, I stated that there are 27 Articles in the U.S. Constitution. This was an incorrect statement. In fact, there are only 7 Articles in the Constitution and 27 Amendments.

This was a most unfortunate mistake on my part. A mistake that brings me no end of psychological pain. One that I will have to live with for the rest of my days.

My one slight bit of solace comes with the fact that I have no family or friends to shame through my negligence, as they all disowned me several months ago when I carelessly transposed the "i" and "e" in Joe Lieberman's name.

Okay, so now that we're just slightly more than a week out from the election and everyone's nerves are frayed, I'd imagine people are calling "the guy" with greater and greater frequency as they burn through their 8ths a lot faster than before.

With that in mind, tonight — while you're trying to decide between Bubblegum Fiesta or Tropic Apple Dream — give a quick thought what it's going to take to get this idiotic law off the books.

And maybe consider stopping the MPP and seeing what they have to say.

Between 1860 and 1861, 11 states decided to secede from the United States and form a new nation called The Confederate States of America.

These states now make up the majority of what is referred to as "Real America."

The creation of this offshoot party caused endless infighting amongst those loyal to the Republicans and those loyal to Roosevelt, effectively splitting the vote. In the end, both parties (and the American people) lost, as Democrat Woodrow Wilson won the election.

Teddy eventually returned to the GOP, and Republicans have never fought amongst themselves again.

(Originally published as part of a series on third-party candidates. Sorry, I'm lazy and the first World Series game is starting.)

Did you know that, in addition to the four sitting presidents we lost to assassination, there have been an additional 18 attempts on presidents' lives?

This, to me, is the best argument I've heard yet for John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate.

I mean, not only can I guarantee that there will not be a single attempt on McCain's life, but I'm betting that — in event of a McCain administration — every one of the 305,429,000 citizens of the country will do everything in his or her pwer to keep that guy healthy and capable for the next four years.

With the possible exception of Bill Kristol. Just to be on the safe side, I'd keep that guy away from the president's food.

19% approval rating.

Another record for President Bush. Is there anything this guy can't achieve?

I'm so proud of our chief diplomat.

20 years ago, a young black atheist lawyer decided to join the Trinity United Church of Christ at a time that just so happened to coincide with his first forays into political life.

And that ended up working out so well for him.

I'll bet this Biblical passage is getting pretty popular amongst Fundamentalist Christian Republicans these days…

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
- Psalm 22

Here's some things you might not have known about battleground state Michigan…

Did you know that it was the 26th state to join the union. Why, that makes it, um… almost exactly not noteworthy enough to justify mention.

Okay, it's also got some fantastic cities like Ann Arbor, Detroit and the fossilized husk of Flint. So, that's something, right?

Hey, some really famous people came out of Michigan. Like Michael Moore and Kid Rock and… Oh, and Matthew Tobey.

Okay, listen, Michigan is still a really important state. Or, so I hear.

Go back to Day 27.

Did you know that there are 27 articles in the Constitution of the United States?

Personally, I'm not impressed.

Cat Fancy publishes almost that many articles every month.

It was 28 years ago that Captain John Sidney McCain left his wife of 15 years — Carol McCain (nee Shepp), a former model who had some years before been disfigured in a car-accident — to marry a richly beautiful, and beautifully rich, beer heiress named Cindy Lou Hensley, whom he'd met in a bar in Hawaii a year earlier.

The two have gone on to become the stuff of family values fairy tales.

Is there anything quite so American as the classic 32-page comic book?

Okay, well, yes, there's jazz. And hamburgers. And, obviously, The Star Spangled Banner.

But, then again, those three pieces of Americana have their roots in African, German and British culture respectively. I defy you to find any of comic books' origins that can't be found right here in the U.S. amongst the dorkiest of its cultural blossoms.

So, therefore, I believe that I have just proven scientifically that comic books (and dorks) are the most American things in the world.

BAM!

Tsar Bomba — or "King Bomb" for reasons that will become evident shortly — was the most powerful nuclear device ever exploded on Earth, ever in the history of ever.

At 11:32 a.m. on October 30, 1961, the Soviet Union dropped the 27 metric ton bomb just north of the Arctic Circle, and its effects were seen and heard 621 miles away. It produced — in the 39 seconds its fission-fusion process took to complete itself — an amount of energy equal to 1.4 percent of that produced by the Sun.

Just wanted to take that moment to remind you of just how terrifying the Cold War really was while you're trying to decide whom you'd like negotiating with Vladimir Putin for the next 4 to 8 years.

Go back to Day 40.

In 1983, U2 released War, an album that would begin to solidify them as one of the most respected and socially-minded bands in the world. It featured such politically-charged anthems as "Sunday Bloody Sunday," "Seconds" and "New Year's Day," before ending with the spiritually healing "40," based upon the Bible's Psalm 40.

Twenty-five years later and they're leasing "Beautiful Day" to advertising agencies and giving foreign relations lessons to some Alaskan hockey mom.

Man, that's depressing. They used to be my favorite band.

Go back to Day 41.