People in Maine want to #VoteNoon1. Why would you want noon to start an hour later? You're already in the eastern time zone!

It's just not natural.

So, what else is new?

Donate my face?! Why? So you can stick it up on that campaign bus along all the other people whom you've tricked into surrendering their corporeal form to you? So that my soul can wander aimlessly and distressed for all time?

For the last time, I'm not joining the Young Republicans!

(via Gotcha Media)

Maine Secretary of State Matt Dunlap told me just now that turnout there is far exceeding his projections — news that would be good news for backers of same-sex marriage.

"We're seeing heavy and very steady turnout," he said, attributing the surprise to the contested vote on a "people's veto" of a same-sex marriage law driving Mainers to the polls…

"I think we could be over 50%" for the state," Dunlap said. "We originally projected 35%."

Hopefully, Maine Secretary of State Matt Dunlap is correct in his analysis of the high voter turnout.  It would be really depressing if this turned out to be  a case of a bunch of a huge chunk of the state making it a point to take the time out of their day to steal a bunch of strangers' rights away from them just because.

I mean, can you imagine something that depressing? In this country?!

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God, please let that not be what's happening.

Right…

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New Jersey Gubernatorial Race – Jon Corzine (D) vs. Chris Christie (R)

Why should you pretend to care?

Like a lot of elections this year, this will probably have less to do with whether New Jersians want to give Corzine another shot in office and more to do with Barack Obama is a Satanist Muslim from Kenya NO MORE TAXES FOR JESUS!! So, you know, I guess we'll see.

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Virginia Gubernatorial Race – Bob McDonnell (R) vs. Creigh Deeds (D)

Who gives a shit?

As it turns out, Sarah Palin gives a shit. She, it would seem, gives a huge shit. The 2012 presidential hopeful has been expending some political cash and releasing her robot doppelganger to go robo-calling Virginites and asking them to "vote for Sarah's principles." Also, if they'd buy her new book, that'd probably be pretty okay, too.

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New York's 23rd Congressional District Race – Bill Owens (D) vs. Doug Hoffman (C)

Can you just sleep through this?

You can, but you'll be missing one of the finest examples of conservative implosions in weeks. This was supposed to be a race between Owens and Republican Dede Scozzafava. But then conservatives decided Scozzafava was — and I quote — "a radical leftist," because they're pretty much cartoon characters pretending to be real people. So, in turn, Scozzafava responded by dropping out and supporting the Democrat. Hi-Larry-ous! This one should actually be entertaining for real.

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New York City Mayoral Race – Incumbent Michael Bloomberg vs. William Thompson

So what?

So, this all boils down to the single most important political question since the beginning of time: Why not just buy this election? The answer: Sure, why not.

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Maine's Proposition 1 and Washington's Referendum 71

What it to you?

Well, it's not really anything to you. Unless you're gay. Or have a gay family member. Or know somebody who's gay. Or just support equality in civil rights and the ideals set forth in the Constitution of the United States.

If not, though, I guess you can just ignore this one.

Does this mean that us white people have to stop being so self-congratulatory about how post-racial we are all of a sudden?

And now it looks as though Franken may — for the first time since the recount started — have pulled ahead of Coleman with a cool double digit lead…

Speaking on a conference call with reporters, Franken's chief counsel Marc Elias said the campaign's own internal count showed them up 22 votes, a jump from the 13 vote deficit that they faced on Tuesday.

"We have approximately 138,000 ballots left to count," said Elias. "94.3 percent of the state has now been counted… Obviously that number is going to change, but we are pleased thus far with how things are going."

Bear in mind, those numbers are according to Franken's "campaign's own internal count." All other counts seem to show Coleman as retaining his lead.

Except for mine, in which Minneapolis-native glam-funk rock legend Prince is jerking both candidates numbers like a horny pony would.

Now run and tell your mama about that.

Garnering 57.5% of the two million Georganians who bothered to vote, incumbent Sen. Saxby Chambliss — according to incumbent Sen. Saxby Chambliss — represents the return to conservative values that America has so craved since the crushing defeat of conservative values one month ago…

"You have delivered tonight a strong message to the world that conservative Georgia values matter [in the state of Georgia]," he said.

"You have delivered a message that a balance of government in Washington is necessary, and that's not only what [2.9 percent of] the people of Georgia want but what [0.02 percent of] the people of America want."

You can't argue with numbers like that. Today truly is a great day for the conservative movement.

But why exactly did such an overwhelming fraction of the people of America reject the failed policies of the not-yet-inaugurated Obama administration?

"If you can't have a little back-and-forth arguing between the parties, then the party in power will make mistakes," said Ron Zukowski, a computer expert in Atlanta who voted for Mr. Chambliss. "This was my chance to say no, and I said no."

Luckily, now, thanks to Mr. Zukowski's "Power of No," the American people will be spared of four years of a government that makes any mistakes.

Welcome to the Golden Age.

"I am Jim Martin, and I'm sure I'm going to lose."

Update: I am not Jim Martin, and I am sure that he did lose.

Saxby Chambliss explains how this all-but-inevitable win for the GOP proves that America is already tired of Change and is tipping back toward social conservatotalitarianism.

* Saxby Chambliss and other guy somehow failing to capture voters' excitement.

* Fox News asks the question everyone else is afraid to ask: Can Sarah Palin still win this election for John McCain?

* Al Franken now poised to lose by even slimmer margin.

* George Bush refuses to set timetable for withdrawal from your crotch.

* White House Christmas tree weighs in, calls for Bush impeachment.

* Oh, wait. Nevermind.

Well, give it up, you narcissistic egomaniacal narcissist! Your measly little vote didn't accomplish shit.

Don't believe me? Please allow David Runciman of the London Review of Books to explain it in the most boring terms possible…

Going to vote is not a costless exercise, since it takes time and effort that could be spent doing other things. You might not consider this much of an outlay, but if you reflect that the benefit you can expect to derive is precisely zero, since your contribution is literally worthless, then it starts to look like a serious waste of your precious resources. One possible way round this problem is to argue that although no election has ever been decided by a single vote, that doesn't mean it couldn't happen…

The assumption is that the tighter an election, the nearer one gets to the holy grail of a contest that could be decided by your personal contribution; in fact, the tighter the election, the less likely it is that any one person’s vote is going to settle it…

[T]hink about what happened in Florida in 2000. Does anyone know what the true count was in that election? Perhaps there really was a single vote in it. But the enduring image of squint-eyed counters peering forlornly at hanging chads is enough to confirm that if there was a single vote in it, no one was ever going to find it. When an election is as tight as the presidential contest in 2000, the individual votes that might decide it disappear in a miasma of political confrontation and confusion.

Please don't tell David Plouffe that I wrote this post.

He'll take my thumbs! My thumbs!