So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”

#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?

# 6 – Monica Lewinsky
No list of secret girlfriends would be complete without Monica Lewinsky, but as someone who was cognizant of political humor in the 90s I don’t know what I can say about it now. Every cigar-inserting, dress-staining, fat-girls-give-good-oral joke has already been made a hundred times. I just don’t want to go there. And it’s not just because there’s a chance I might bump into Monica at synagogue. It’s because I lost my virginity to her. Yesterday. What? Don’t look at me!

#5 – Callista Bisek
You might not recognize her name, but Ms. Bisek is the woman House Speaker Gingrich was showing his little newt to while simultaneously leading the charge against President Clinton for the Lewinsky scandal. And don’t get your hopes up that Bisek was some double agent hoping to expose Gingrich’s family values hypocrisy. Bisek actually married him. But that might just be because "Mrs. Gingrich" has a nicer ring to it than "Newt-Fucker."

#4 – Rielle Hunter
Say what you want about John Edwards, but he sure had sex with another woman while his wife was battling cancer. And that woman was Rielle Hunter. You might know her as the woman John Edwards said he didn’t have sex with. Others of you might recall her as the woman he later admitted to having sex with. I’m still not sure whether or not her baby is his. Did we get confirmation on that? In any event, I do know one thing. That affair ended those rumors about him being gay. Oh, and his political career.

#3 – Ashley Dupre
Now, I’m not sure if you can really refer to a prostitute as a “girlfriend,” but I just couldn’t make this list without Elliot Spitzer’s dangerous-sex-for-money-girl, Ashley Dupre. Why go to a pro? I’m guessing Eliot liked to play certain games reserved strictly for professionals. Role play scenarios like “you be the embezzling Enron exec and I’ll be the minority shareholder who gets screwed over by your dirty dealings. Your dirty, dirty dealings. Inflate assets! Hide the debt! Golden parachute, mmmmmmmmmmmmm….”

#2 – Marilyn Monroe
How can the most famous woman in the world be a secret girlfriend? I’d tell you, but then I might ruin the good thing I have going with Queen Elizabeth. Much has been made about JFK’s alleged trysts with the blonde bombshell, but Marilyn’s greatest contribution to the study of secret girlfriends might be in establishing the high water mark for my theory: “The Ever Decreasing Slope of Presidential Tail.” As exhibited by this chart, applying my theory (with a sample group of two) we can predict, with no chance of error, that Barack Obama will reveal his secret girlfriend to be Paula Abdul some time in late 2010.

#1 – Maria Belen Chapur
I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m told “Belen Chapur” means “woman so hot she can make a mildly retarded South Carolina governor disappear.” For six days in 2009, Gov. Mark Sanford went “missing” while getting some face time with his Argentinean mistress. Like in Argentina, which surprisingly is not as discrete a location as you’d think. When Sanford returned, he confessed in an overly sentimental news conference and was greeted with calls for his resignation. Still, Sanford’s fraudulent alibi for his whereabouts during those six days –“hiking the Appalachian trail”—will surely go down as one of the greatest euphemisms for nookie in the history of dirty secret sex politics.

Fourteen months after being elevated to the governor’s job, David A. Paterson is deeply unpopular among New Yorkers, who doubt his ability to grapple with the state’s increasingly bleak economic situation, according to a poll by The New York Times, Cornell University and NY1 News…

Mr. Paterson is now less popular in the state than his predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, who resigned in disgrace after being identified as the client of a prostitution ring. Only 21 percent of New York voters say they have a favorable view of Mr. Paterson; 26 percent have a favorable view of Mr. Spitzer.

Yeah, well, of course. I mean, at least Spitzer was doing something to help stimulate the state's economy. And here's Paterson, who hasn't so much as paid for a hand job from a tranny.

Don't think we're not paying attention, Governor.

And I am afraid.

The same-sex chickens truly have come home to gentrify their roost.

I don't know why that didn't shock me more than it did. I guess I'd just assumed he was already on a show like that.

I mean, seriously, what took him so long?

The NBC show, called "I'm a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!," will premier June 1, WMAQ reported. The plot would include leaving a group of D-list celebrities in the middle of the jungle and let the plot unfold, on prime time.

The show reportedly could pay the impeached former Illinois governor, who is facing federal corruption charges, as much as $80,000 an episode. NBC confirmed it wants Blagojevich on the show…

According to WMAQ, Blagojevich asked a federal judge Tuesday to allow him to travel if his bond was increased. The impeached governor reportedly is broke and believes the show could help finance his legal defense.

If that doesn't work out for him, I think he should look into taking over for that ShamWow guy.

Unless Eliot Spitzer already has it.

After launching a column on Slate.com, and giving interviews to National Public Radio and the "Today" show, the sources say, the disgraced former governor told friends: "My record as governor was disappointing, but the voters will remember my excellent two terms as attorney general."

Laugh all you want at Spitzer, but you do have to admit: He was a seven-diamond attorney general.

If you missed it the first eight times, here's your chance to catch up…

In honor of Hanukkah and the Jewish people, Indecision 2008 news editor Dennis DiClaudio put together a special feature called The 8 Most Important Jews in Politics of 2008.

Of course, Dennis — despite being hairy, bespectacled, and consumed with religious guilt — is not actually what my people refer to as a “Jew.” And frankly, while I’m all for tolerance and diversity, the thought of his greasy Italian fingers punching up a piece on my political brethren makes me want to puke up my macaroons.

So seeing as I’ve been Bar Mitzvah’d, circumcised, and found attractive by Catholic girls with Jew fetishes, I offered to spruce up his list. I must say, even though Dennis didn’t manage to select the actual Jews in our nation’s Zionist occupied shadow government, I think his efforts were just adorable. So sit back and enjoy the next eight days of Hanukkah with each day celebrating a different political Jew of note.

Night 1
Rahm Emanuel

In 2008, President Elect Barack Obama chose Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel to be his Chief of Staff, cementing Emanuel’s status as the kind of Jew my people want to be: one that Black people like to hang out with.

But how important is that approbation to Rahm? Well, many feel he gave the up the chance to one day be Speaker of the House in order to run Obama’s White House. That kind of dedication is just inspiring.

And this is no mere accidental pairing of a Black and a Jew like Jon Stewart and Chris Rock on my personal comedy heroes’ height/weight chart. No. By all accounts, Obama selected Rahm for his tenacity, judgment, and ability to get things done. Together they promise to affect real change in 2009 and realize the nightmares of bigots everywhere.

Night 2
Eliot Spitzer

2008 was a hard year for Jewish surnames containing "Spitz." Of course, the big story was that Michael Phelps shattered Jewish Olympian Marc Spitz's seemingly unbreakable record of eight gold medals.

To a lesser extent, however, there was also some slight reporting on New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer's wildly inappropriate prostitute sex scandal. The scandal revealed that Spitzer enjoyed exposing more than Wall Street corruption, but also raised many questions in the Jewish community such as "Is he Jewish? Really? Are you sure? Damn."

Spitzer left office in disgrace after a press conference that was as strained and painful as some of the "dangerous" sexual practices he is alleged to have engaged in.

Still, his downfall struck another positive note for Black/Jew relations in 2008. After the scandal, Lt. Governor David Patterson assumed Spitzer's office, making Patterson New York's first Black Governor and the African American that has benefited most from prostitution since Snoop Dogg.

Night 3
The Next Senator Elected from Minnesota – Either Al Franken or Norm Coleman

When I think of Jew-friendly places in America my thoughts turn to New York, L.A., and Miami Beach, but, perhaps, I should add Minnesota to that list. I mean, aside from being the birth place of one Robert Zimmerman (non-Jew name Bob Dylan), the State was also represented by the late Senator Paul Wellstone. And what's more, no matter what happens in 2008's bitterly contested Senatorial election, Minnesota will be getting another Jew in office. That's right, both Norm Coleman and Al Franken are Jewish.

No, really. Despite signs to the contrary, Norm Coleman is Jewish. And those reports about the Coleman family menorah featuring 8 maids-a-milking are probably apocryphal. Still, it can't be denied that Norm has hid his Judaism well through arch conservatism and a steadfast refusal to be even remotely funny. But don't underestimate how badly Franken wants this. While he may not be able to conceal his Hebraic status as successfully, Franken has been going toe to toe with Coleman by seemingly refusing to be funny for several years now.

Night 4
Lynn Forester de Rothschild

Wealthy Clinton fundraiser Lynn Forester de Rothschild –- or Doll Face as I used to call her when we partied in the Hamptons back in the 90's — came to embody the Obama-hating Clinton supporter who just couldn't toe the party line after their gal was defeated.

After raising oodles of cash for Hillary in 2008, Rothschild threw her support behind McCain rather than back Obama. The ramifications were great –- although Barack Obama still won the election handily, he received one fewer popular vote than he would have had Rothschild voted for him.

Night 5
David Axelrod

Several times during cable news's reporting of the 2008 election I asked myself, "why is CNN interviewing that sleepy labor union representative about Obama's campaign strategy?"

But that question only belied my own ignorance. For that vaguely unkempt mustached gentleman was no disgruntled shop teacher, but Barack Obama's brilliant campaign strategist, David Axelrod.

Axelrod is credited with engineering Obama's unprecedented Presidential victory, and by all accounts, his efforts represent the most successful Jewish direction of a Black since Steven Spielberg led Oprah Winfrey to an Oscar nomination in The Color Purple.

Night 6
Mark Penn

Ask any racist and they will tell you: Jews are smart, crafty, and good with money.

Well, in 2008, the Jewish community took its hat off to Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's campaign strategist, for shattering those anti-Semitic stereotypes. As no one can dispute, Penn's handling of the Clinton campaign was just abysmal.

Smart? Some claim that Penn was unaware that delegates in primaries are not awarded in a winner take all fashion. Crafty? Penn predicted that a big win for Clinton in large states would lead to a decisive Super Tuesday victory. Good with money? Hillary Clinton finally abandoned her campaign millions of dollars in debt.

No doubt, Hillary's decision to team up with Penn will go down as the most disastrously messy Clinton/Jew collaboration since Bill stained up Lewinsky's dress.

Night 7
Bill Kristol

I don't know Bill Kristol. He doesn't belong to my synagogue and we didn't go to school together, but I'm pretty sure I'd be able to pick him out on the playground 40 years ago -– if the Collegiate School's Prepatory Academy for Boys had a playground.

Bill was the kid who did the bully's homework for him and then deluded himself into thinking the bully was his friend. Perhaps, little Bill even tried to affect some of that bully's power by tormenting his more socially-afflicted friends. By embracing something seemingly stronger, more mainstream and "American," he hoped to shake loose the shackles of his Jewish nerdom and acquire a sense of everyman -– a Manhattan elite, Ivy Leauge educated, national publication-editing everyman.

Of course, this is all just conjecture, but it would explain Kristol's fascination with George W. Bush in 2000. Over and over, he extolled Bush's simple, old-fashioned integrity while lambasting Gore as a shifty, bookish nightmare. Perhaps, Gore was a dark reminder of Kristol's own tortured past. A past that included studying for tests, understanding Earth science, and pronouncing "nuclear" correctly.

And in 2008, Bill earned his place on this list by being one of Sarah Palin's biggest supporters. His magazine, The Weekly Standard, defended this all-American, no-nonsense, right-as-rain sweetheart to the end. I have to wonder, after all that do you think she kissed his cheek and told him that for a New York Jew, he was "A-OK" in her book? Gee, I certainly hope so.

It would be a shame to think he helped saddle a cancer-ridden, geriatric Presidential candidate with a woefully unqualified running mate for anything less.

Night 8
Joe Lieberman

To find the people in this world who are really, really passionate about Joe Lieberman you have to search the narrowest shaded regions of a highly specific venn diagram: war hawks, who love Jesus, who aren't anti-Semitic, who can overlook pro-Choice politics.

Maybe that explains his disastrous 2004 Presidential run despite all his "Joe-mentum." But as a Jew from Connecticut, I guess Lieberman is used to not exactly fitting in.

Still, his not-fitting-in-iness got a whole lot more not-fitting-in-ier in 2008 when he backed Republican Senator John McCain for President. Lieberman railed against Obama and supported his pal McCain until the bitter end. And the end was bitter.

When the dust settled, Lieberman apologized for what he'd done and ate crow -– which although technically Kosher, must have been difficult for him to swallow.

But first, here's the nominees…

* John Edwards

* Sarah Palin

* Joe Biden

* Eliot Spitzer

* Fred Thompson

* Barack Obama

* Elizabeth Dole

And the winner is…

Who else could it be?

It was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for, well, everything…

Thanks to Cube, for being pretty much the only person to actually nominate anyone.

Here are your nominees…

* John Edwards for getting busted porking some floosy by the National Enquirer. (Cube)

* Sarah Palin for thinking Africa was a country and deducing the proximity of Russia to Alaska equates to foreign policy experience. Really that's two fuck-ups. Actually, all of her interviews. (Cube)

* Joe Biden for guaranteeing a manufactured crisis testing Obama's mettle within his first six months in office. (Cube)

* Eliot Spitzer for nailing a hot call girl and not defending himself. (Cube)

* Fred Thompson for coughing and sleeping instead of campaigning. (Cube)

* Barack Obama for his choice for the faux Parthenon at the Democratic National Convention. (Cube)

* Elizabeth Dole for stating that her opponent didn't believe in God when she was in fact a Sunday School teacher. (Bob, I mean Cube)

(Jeeze, I wonder which nominator is gonna win this one.)

2008 was a hard year for Jewish surnames containing "Spitz." Of course, the big story was that Michael Phelps shattered Jewish Olympian Marc Spitz's seemingly unbreakable record of eight gold medals.

To a lesser extent, however, there was also some slight reporting on New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer's wildly inappropriate prostitute sex scandal. The scandal revealed that Spitzer enjoyed exposing more than Wall Street corruption, but also raised many questions in the Jewish community such as "Is he Jewish? Really? Are you sure? Damn."

Spitzer left office in disgrace after a press conference that was as strained and painful as some of the "dangerous" sexual practices he is alleged to have engaged in.

Still, his downfall struck another positive note for Black/Jew relations in 2008. After the scandal, Lt. Governor David Patterson assumed Spitzer's office, making Patterson New York's first Black Governor and the African American that has benefited most from prostitution since Snoop Dogg.

Go to the third night.
Go back to the first night.

If Eliot Spitzer were to choose a venue at which to make his re-entry into society, he would presumably not have selected a former massage parlour in Chinatown on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

But Mr Spitzer, who resigned as governor of New York state after getting caught up in a call girl scandal this spring, did not get the choice. Happy Ending, the former parlour in question, is now a sleek bar and it is where Slate, the online magazine was holding its seasonal drinks party.

Mr Spitzer this month started to write a column for Slate as part of his comeback – he wrote last week about the Detroit bail-out – and so he showed up at the Slate party to be sociable.

As a person whose been to (read as: got drunk at) the Happy Ending Lounge many, many times and even one time looked over from my table to see a naked dude salsa dancing with a slightly-less-naked dude, I think I can say with some authority that there's no way that Eliot Spitzer should have been there.

Their bouncers should know better than to let bad elements like him through the front door.