But first, here's the nominees…

* John Edwards

* Sarah Palin

* Joe Biden

* Eliot Spitzer

* Fred Thompson

* Barack Obama

* Elizabeth Dole

And the winner is…

Who else could it be?

It was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for, well, everything…

Thanks to Cube, for being pretty much the only person to actually nominate anyone.

Here are your nominees…

* John Edwards for getting busted porking some floosy by the National Enquirer. (Cube)

* Sarah Palin for thinking Africa was a country and deducing the proximity of Russia to Alaska equates to foreign policy experience. Really that's two fuck-ups. Actually, all of her interviews. (Cube)

* Joe Biden for guaranteeing a manufactured crisis testing Obama's mettle within his first six months in office. (Cube)

* Eliot Spitzer for nailing a hot call girl and not defending himself. (Cube)

* Fred Thompson for coughing and sleeping instead of campaigning. (Cube)

* Barack Obama for his choice for the faux Parthenon at the Democratic National Convention. (Cube)

* Elizabeth Dole for stating that her opponent didn't believe in God when she was in fact a Sunday School teacher. (Bob, I mean Cube)

(Jeeze, I wonder which nominator is gonna win this one.)

North Carolina's Key Players

* Former Senator John Edwards: Was talked up as a potential Obama running-mate, given that Americans prefer their Democrats Southern, smooth-talking, and unfaithful to their wives.

* Former NBA star Michael Jordan, who decided to make an endorsement after it was revealed that Republicans no longer wear sneakers.

* Deceased Republican Senator Jesse Helms: His will states that if North Carolina ever votes for a black man, his body is to be exhumed and reburied in the Soviet Union.

Obama's Constituency

* Gay tobacco farmers.

* The N.C. State Wolfpack, who fear Sarah Palin's wrath.

* Liberals who "hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."

McCain's Constituency

* Proud Asheville residents who are pretty sure that one of McCain's seven homes is in their town.

* Senator Elizabeth Dole, who registered to vote in North Carolina during her two-week vacation to the state in 2006.

* Racists.

Predicted Winner: John McCain

When NASCAR speaks, North Carolina listens.

Check out more Swing State profiles here!

Roberts is the sixth big name Republican to dis John McCain on his special night, thus making this a full-blown trend -– one that threatens to become as popular as taking money from Jack Abramoff was in 2004!

Here's a rundown of who's ducked out so far…

Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts
Wound up campaigning in the wrong Minneapolis this past week.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins
Will be hosting a talk radio gossip show on the topic of John Edwards's alleged illegitimate daughter.

Oregon Sen. Gordon Smith
Given that he's now running desperate TV ads featuring Barack Obama and John Kerry, he may try to sneak into the Democratic convention instead.

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens
Hedging his bets that he'll already be in jail by then.

North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole
Still bitter when it comes to the topic of presidential nominations.

Vice President Dick Cheney
Numerous daytime events and possible exposure to garlic in the catering spreads make the convention a mortal danger for him.

That's six prominent Republicans down and there's still two weeks 'til the convention. I just hope Joe Lieberman has a lot of material prepared.