However, if you're in the market for video of Eugene Mirman making a bunch of penis jokes and being denied an interview with a protester who dresses like a pirate but looks like Andy Samberg, well, today is your lucky day, fella!

Saudi Arabia is trying to enlist other oil-producing countries to support a provocative idea: if wealthy countries reduce their oil consumption to combat global warming, they should pay compensation to oil producers…

"Assisting us as oil-exporting countries in achieving economic diversification is very crucial for us through foreign direct investments, technology transfer, insurance and funding," [chief Saudi negotiator, Mohammad al-Sabban] said in an e-mail message.

This Saudi position has emerged periodically as a source of dispute since the earliest global climate talks, in Rio de Janeiro in 1992. It is surfacing again as Saudi Arabia tries to build a coalition of producers to extract concessions in Copenhagen.

Let's look at this in bullet points…

* Saudi Arabia has almost all the oil.

* Saudi Arabia uses its oil supply to get almost all the money.

* The world tries to keep some of its money by trying to not use as much oil.

* Saudi Arabia demands reparations for this backhanded maneuvering.

Wow. The logic is so simple and yet so crazy. I feel like I need a drink after trying to work that through my brain. But, ugh, I should really wait till I get back to my neighborhood tonight so I can buy a six-pack from the deli around the corner from my apartment.

It's kind of overpriced, but less expensive then the price for not buy a six-pack there. It costs $12 dollars to not buy a six-pack there. Am I crazy or is that unreasonable?

Of course, what I'd really like to do is quit drinking and dry out for a while. But I don't think i can afford it.

I didn't mean "quitting." I meant "cap-and-trade." Ugh, take three. Of course I meant "cap-and-tax." Well here, Governor Palin explains it all for you…

There is no denying that as the world becomes more industrialized, we need to reform our energy policy and become less dependent on foreign energy sources. But the answer doesn't lie in making energy scarcer and more expensive! Those who understand the issue know we can meet our energy needs and environmental challenges without destroying America's economy.

Why is Nobama hell-bent on destroying our economy! What's in it for him! I guess he just gets some kind of sick pleasure from seeing everyone suffer!

Even Warren Buffett, an ardent Obama supporter, admitted that under the cap-and-tax scheme, "poor people are going to pay a lot more for electricity."

Warren Buffett did say that, and he is rich, so he must be right. The Congressional Budget Office thought otherwise, but the CBO is not rich, so screw them.

This op-ed has not found religion yet.

We must move in a new direction. We are ripe for economic growth and energy independence if we responsibly tap the resources that God created right underfoot on American soil.

I will forgive Sarah Palin for taking eleven paragraphs to get to God, but only because she knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America.

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Obviously, Chu retreated into a whole bunch of sciencey kind of bullshit which was obvious bullshit science stuff — totally embarrassing himself — and Rep. Barton walked away as the smartest man in the 6,000 year history of the Earth.

Anyway, Get Your War On's old author David Rees doesn't think Barton should have been so merciful as to stop there, and suggests a number of other questions that Chu needed to be asked…

"Why can't I see the wind? Is it made of ghosts?"

"How did all that water get in the ocean?"

"How come sometimes when I look at a cloud, it reminds me of a shape, like a horse or an airplane or something?"

"How come things are all different colors?"

"If solar power is so great, why isn't there a Psalm in the Bible that says, 'Solar power is so great / that is my honest opinion, sayeth the Lord'?"

"If global warming is so real, how come I had never heard of it until people started talking about it?"

"How did this thumb on the end of my arm get stuck up my ass?"

Luckily for Chu, Barton doesn't like to flaunt his brainial superiority.

Did you see Texas Rep. Joe Barton's mind-boggling take down of that egghead scientist Energy Secretary Dr. Stephen Chu as a means to disprove Global Warming somehow?

Barton's Twitter: "I seemed to have baffled the Energy Sec with basic question – Where does oil come from?"

Seemed to have baffled him. He practically made that nerd's head explode with his flawless logic and creative understand of the Earth's history. I just love watching those stuffed shirts with all their learnin' and numberin' get taken down by a good ol' boy like "Smokey Joe." It was a think of beauty to behold!

Here, watch…

Burn! Buuuuuurrrnnn!!!

Look at that idiot mumbling about "Geology" and "Constantinople Plates" and a bunch of other made-up stuff.

You don't mess with a Texan when it comes to the science of oil and energy. Lone Star scientists discovered long ago that Alaska used to be hot, because that's where Lucifer fell when God threw him out of Heaven. It's as obvious a fact as the fact that oil is made out of angels' tears.

That shit got proved a long time ago.

You can't tell me we can't figure out how to make an air freshener out of coal that we mine right here in the USA and make it work somehow.

(That commercial was directed by the Coen Brothers, btw.)

10:09 – I wanted to see Obama drop the microphone on the ground and walk out of the room with his hands above his head. I think that's what he should have done. He could have always come back for an encore or something.

10:07 – That other guy next to Michelle looks like something bad happened to him. I'm pretty curious to see when he gets called on. – Darcy Savit

10:05 – That little girl is the new Joe the Plumber! Somebody get her a country music contract! Ask her how to fix the economy!

10:04 – Wait, what? A $60 million bonus? I couldn't understand anything after that!

10:00 – Obama just said the U.S. doesn't torture. See! I knew he would turn out to be a liar!

9:59 – Obama likes the troops? But, but, but… He's a liberal! What gives?!

9:58 – Poor McCain. It's quite a work out he's getting tonight.

9:57 – A deficit of trust? I think it'll take more than eight years to make that back.

9:53 – Here's that top 2 percent tax stuff again. But what about all those poor rich plumbers out there?

9:52 – We have a responsibility to not pass on to our kids a debt we can't pay? Well, I think we just fucked that up.

9:50 – Teddy Kennedy got a standing O. That's like milking applause from an audience by naming the town you're playing in. Obama's just trying to see how many he can rack up at this point.

9:49 – So, if I quit school now, it makes me an enemy of the state?

9:47 – From the comments: "Wow, I really thought I'd be able to masturbate to this speech. I'm starting to think maaayyyybe I as wrong." – Paul Frank

9:45 – Can some of the Stimulus Package go to buying a seat belt for Nancy Pelosi's chair?

9:44 – Did Obama just tell us that he has cancer?

9:43 – Come on, Nancy Pelosi! Let somebody else start a standing ovation. I don't recall her being quite so energetic during the last few SOTUs.

9:42 – This is America. We don't do what's easy. We do what celebrities tell us to do.

9:41 – Jesus god, Joe Biden LOVES renewable energy!

9:40 – From the comments: "What the fuck does Obama have against drapes? I like drapes. The days of drapes are not over for me!" – Cube

9:38 – Energy, Health Care and Education. That's somehow just not as sexy as Torture, Ass Kicking and Blowin' Shit Up.

9:36 – And cut those weird fucking strings off her jacket someone, please!

9:34 – Couldn't Nancy Pelosi have left that poetry chapbook at home? This isn't the time, and it doesn't make her look cool. She just looks pretentious.

9:33 – Yeah! Fuck banks! Let's go kill some money!

9:32 – Senate aides shouldn't let Joe Lieberman get at the sour balls before he's gonna be on TV.

9:30 – Did you see how fast Nancy Pelosi jumped up on her feet when Obama started ripping on rich people?!

9:29 – Uh oh. Business loans for small business people. Sounds like Socialism to me. Somewhere, Joe the Plumber must be crying a tear into his six-pack.

9:28 – Can't we all just get a'loan? Can't we all just get a'loan?

9:27 – From the comments: "MSNBC is tracking Obama and McCain voters. I believe the election is over…am I wrong?: – Waleri

9:26 – Nobody messes with Joe? Is that true? Or is that like what you say to the retarded kid on your block to make him feel good so he doesn't throw his broom at you again?

9:22 – And, look, Joe Biden's palying with his iTouch. Someone should have turned the wifi off in there.

9:21 – Chris Dodd is already zoning out.

9:19 – So, lemme get this straight. Obama's predicting that we're gonna come back from the economic collapse thing? That's a strong position. Can't say I'd make such a prediction.

9:17 – Brave move on Michelle's part going sleeveless for the State of the Union. I guess. I don't know. What the fuck do I know about fashion.

9:11 – Here comes President Obama. I was hoping he'd come of to "Sweet Child O' Mine."

9:06 – Oh, maybe Rahm Emanuel laid hands upon her.

9:03 - Hey, look. It's Justice Ginsburg! I guess Sen. Jim Bunning's rumor of her demise has not become a reality.

9:01 - Hi, are you there? Is this thing on?

Well this week, Dr. Paul cast his gaze of reason and morality across this great land and came to the same conclusion that the Ku Klux Klan did in 2003: California must elect State Rep. Tom McClintock to higher office…

Paul, the libertarian-Republican congressman from Texas who raised more than $34 million for his presidential race, sent out an e-mail last week urging his massive donor base to contribute to McClintock.

"Tom McClintock is one of the most promising warriors in the fight against big government we have seen in a long time, and the special interests and big bankers know it. … You have stood with me as….

…I campaigned for the Presidency to return our federal government to its proper role. Will you help me bring a reliable ally to Congress?"

Beyond the Klan's endorsement, Paul must have admired McClintock's one-man foiling of a Chinese plot to steal oil off the coast of Florida — a region that is roughly the same distance from McClintock's home as the district he's running in.

With a resume like McClintock's, you have to wonder how Paul picked him over equally reasonable, moral candidates like, say, Ted Stevens.

(By the way, just to give Ron Paul supporters a head start on the comments section, let me just point out that I am a pathetic, ignorant scum of the earth who deserves nothing short of deportation and a slow, painful death.)

"We talk about offshore drilling and he said he would quote, consider, offshore drilling. We talked about nuclear power, well it has to be safe, environment, blah, blah, blah."

Here's you: That's a puzzlingly reckless and flippant thing to say. After all, we certainly want to explore as many alternative energy sources as possible, but who doesn't favor responsibility and safety when dealing with anything, let alone something as unstable and potentially dangerous as nuclear power. Does John McCain want us to plug our refrigerators directly into radioactive isotopes or what?

Here's me: Shut up, pussy. What has nuclear safety and environmental responsibility ever gotten us? I don't know, but I know what it hasn't gotten us: Superheroes. We can't win the war on terror without more superheroes and we can't get more superheroes without freak nuclear accidents. I know that, and John McCain knows that. Also, flipper babies. We need lots more flipper babies.

Wrong! Take for example, ethanol. For decades, McCain has steadfastly opposed any government support for production of the biofuel, which is made from corn grown in flat, Midwestern, Protestant states.

Like Iowa, which is where McCain was campaigning yesterday. And by campaigning, I mean shamelessly pandering to voters by turning your back on your own principles:

"On the subject of ethanol, my friends, I will open every market in the world to the best products in the world, and that's the American agricultural farmer and worker," said McCain at a rally at the University of Northern Iowa attended by about 2,600 people…

In 2003, McCain told Fortune magazine that "ethanol is a product that would not exist if Congress didn't create an artificial market for it. No one would be willing to buy it." He said in he doubted ethanol would reduce fuel consumption, improve air quality or do much to increase energy independence.

Barack Obama has been a fierce supporter of ethanol in his time in the Senate, largely owing to his constituents in southern Illinois who make a lot of the stuff. But it may also have something to do with his big victory in the Iowa caucuses and the fact that he is currently leading McCain by 13% in the state.

In other news, McCain stopped by Ohio to say that he now hates NAFTA and Vermont to say that he is now a socialist.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, touted by GOP presidential candidate John McCain as his expert on energy, seemed to have problems Thursday explaining whether the government bans oil exports — especially from her state's North Slope fields…

"No. It's not 75 percent of our oil being exported," Palin said, suggesting some of Alaska's oil, in fact, may be going abroad but not that much.

"In fact," she added, "Congress is pretty strict on, um, export bans of oil and gas especially."

No Alaska oil has been exported since 2004, and little if any since 2000, according to the Energy Information Administration and the Congressional Research Service.

And Congress has never imposed outright bans on oil exports. Congress prohibited exports of Alaska oil in 1973 when the Alaska oil pipeline was built. But that ban was lifted in 1996 when there were large volumes of Alaska oil coming down from the North Slope and U.S. demand was soft.

This isn't the first time Palin has stumbled over the girth of her own expertise. She earlier claimed that the U.S. could be energy independent if we drilled more within our own domestic boundaries. Unfortunately, that claim was debunked by none other than the Bush Administration.

Palin also claimed Alaska produces six times more of the nation's energy than it actually does, and bragged about the creation of a natural gas pipeline that only exists on paper.

Palin's blunders bode poorly for her but even worse for the nation at large, since it turns out she's our best hope. Remember that her running mate, John McCain, has already declared that Palin "knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America."

Mr. Putin, you'll find the keys to our country under the doormat.

Congress will allow a 25-year ban on oil drilling to lapse on offshore oil drilling, proving that once again — even with their expected gains in the House and Senate come November — Congressional Democrats will do anything to appease a lame duck President who is loathed by 99.8%* of the country, instead of focusing on long term solutions, like investing in jet packs powered by worm excrement…

"This capitulation by Democrats following months of Republican pressure is a big victory for Americans struggling with record gasoline prices," said House GOP leader John Boehner of Ohio.

Boehner is quite correct, since the second anyone starts offshore drilling, refined high octane gasoline will instantly move from the ocean floor directly to the local Exxon, much in the way that those delicious Slurpees are transported from deep caverns within the West Virgina mountains.

Democrats had planned to include a continuation of the ban in a spending bill to keep the government running, but caved when the President threatened a veto…

A spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "We look forward to working with the next president to hammer out a final resolution of this issue." This political strategy translates as "we will do whatever the next president tells us to do because frankly they're kind of scary."

It seems that the catchy slogan "Drill, baby, drill!" has finally seeped into the subconscious of Democratic lawmakers. It is pretty comforting.

I find myself saying over and over again when I fall asleep every night.

*That number was derived from a quick poll in my living room last night when some friends from Oregon were visiting.

Yesterday, McCain rode a helicopter 150 miles into international waters to campaign on the rig to underscore his argument for increased off-shore oil drilling. Should be a slam dunk, right?

Jointly owned by Chevron and Exxon Mobil, the rig represents an environmental risk great enough that the US Coast Guard has set up a "safety zone" around its perimeter to prevent accidents…

McCain touted the potential of the Genesis rig, which was given Coast Guard protection in 2002 due to the "potential for loss of life and damage to the environment" if an accident were to occur there.

A July oil-rig appearance was scuttled by the McCain camp after the Gulf suffered two troubling plights: Hurricane Dolly and a 420,000-gallon oil spill that raised environmental alarms.

OK, so it turns out that there are a few very small drawbacks to off-shore drilling. But, at least McCain got that photo op with the oil rig.

After all, there's a pretty strong record of presidential-types having incredible success after flying small aircraft to things in the middle of the ocean.

Reagan, who is now a syndicated right-wing talk show host is suggesting that Republicans rally around the issue of off-shore drilling and use it as a niche issue to distract voters from things like the terrible economy and the war in Iraq…

The American people are with the Republicans on the most important issue of our time. The question is, are the Republicans on their side and willing to lead them in the fight to use all the oil resources the Lord has given us in such great abundance and which now are untapped beneath our feet because the Democrats won't allow us to drill down to get it.

Republicans can unite to fight and win. Or they can do what they seem to do best these days, cringe and surrender. It's up to them.

Bold words from a true American hero. Off-shore drilling is definitely the most important issue of our time, and anyone who is against it is clearly also against God.

Anyway, Reagan should look closer to home if he wants the title of his column — "GOP Must Unite, Fight to Win" — to come true. For instance, he might start by working on his own brother, Ron Reagan, who was a featured speaker at the 2004 Democratic convention.

Here they are, staging these big, elaborate Olympic games designed to subdue us into a lethargic, Michael Phelps-worshipping trance, while back in the Homeland, they're stealing all the oil off of Florida!

At least that's the way congressional candidate Tom McClintock tells it.

McClintock, a Republican vying to replace John Doolittle in the 4th District of California, claimed in a letter to the Auburn, California Journal…

The vast oil fields off the coast of Florida that American law prevents Americans from developing are now being drained by the Chinese government drilling in Cuban waters.

McClintock would know a thing or two about drilling into someone else's territory. While the 4th district is located in the northeastern corner of California, abutting Nevada and Oregon, McClintock himself lives in Ventura County, adjacent to Los Angeles…

McClintock… is in the unusual position of running for an office where he can't vote for himself. For 22 years, he has represented Thousand Oaks (Ventura County), where by state law he has to be registered to keep his state Senate seat. Under federal rules, congressional candidates can live anywhere in the state.

Suddenly, the Chinese don't seem so slimy. I mean, if we all followed Tom McClintock's logic, Hu Jintao might as well run for Governor of Florida. And Michael Phelps could ascend to Chairman the Chinese Communist Party.

And then McClintock could go to the bottom of the ocean to hoard all that oil for himself.

That's right, House Minority Leader John Boehner spent last week golfing at the Wetherington Golf & Country Club in West Chester, Ohio, a trip he was able to deftly conceal until he made the fatal flaw of posting his own scores on the USGA website. (In all fairness, the guy scored an 85 one of the days! Could you have kept that a secret?)

When Boehner finally did return to work on Friday, the Democrats were waiting for him. According to Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill…

About a dozen Democratic interns dressed up in golf gear Friday morning to welcome Boehner back to the Capitol, carrying signs that read 'Golf & Oil Party' and 'Fore! Dollar Gas'… Boehner, who offered no comment, was not amused.

Yeah, he's a hypocrite and the textbook stereotype of a stodgy Republican out golfing with the elite, while mendaciously claming to be the guardian of the middle class.

But an 85? That's awesome!

I'll bet Nancy Pelosi doesn't even know which end of the club to hold!

Among the things I discovered in this article was that it was written by Adam McKay — former head-writer of SNL, founding member of the Upright Citizen's Brigade back in Chicago, and writer/director of Anchorman, Talladega Nights and Step Brothers — and Paris Hilton refused money and just shot it for fun.

Oh, and also…

The 24-year-old heiress memorized her entire monologue, which included Hilton outlining her energy plan, in an online video spoof posted on Funny or Die, the comedy Web site's content director said.

At first, I thought, Wow! She didn't use any cue cards?

And then I thought, Wait a minute, can she even read?

John McCain needs a running mate who's a) younger than he is, b) photogenic, and c) a resident of a politically-important state. And we know he's got a thing for Paris Hilton.

If he's going to ask her to be his vice president, though, he'd better act fast. Paris seems to be setting her own political agenda…

Man, I can't wait for Britney's video about free trade. I hear she makes out with Madonna at the end of it.

SIGN: Republican Congressmen hold "protest session" demanding House return from recess to vote on oil production.

WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Groundswell of public support for solving all our energy problems through more drilling permanently ends the institution of recess for Congress. Mania continues until it's also abolished for schoolchildren. Tens of millions of kids raise their "inside voices" in bloody rebellion.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Insatiable demand for sugar and animation denudes world's corn fields and beet farms, and the entire country of South Korea. And when supplies dry up, you thought a nuclear meltdown was terrifying…?

WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Kid-run industrial civilization leaves a tinier (and more adorable) carbon footprint.

Take the APOCALYPSE '08 PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE now!

Each week, Daily Show writer Rob Kutner, author of the book Apocalypse How (on sale now!), reminds us that the world is about to end…and why we should be psyched.