Hey, you people cheering about the House vote on health care this weekend — have you read the bill? Have you even read the bill? No, no, no, not the bill the House passed. The other bill, the one Sarah Palin discovered in the feverish crevasse of her imagination.

That bill is absolutely terrible, as Ms. Palin reports via Facebook note…

We've got to hold on to hope, and we've got to fight hard because Congressional action tonight just put America on a path toward an unrecognizable country.

Okay, well, at least she knows we're not headed for Soviet-style health care. (Russia is one of the countries Sarah Palin can recognize.) But the bill Sarah Palin has read is still basically an act of domestic terrorism, as far as Sarah Palin is concerned …

We had been told there were no "death panels" in the bill either. But look closely at the provision mandating bureaucratic panels that will be calling the shots regarding who will receive government health care.

Look closely at provisions addressing illegal aliens' health care coverage too.

Yes, please do look at these provisions. Look closely. I see words like "Subtitle C, Sec. 347. No Federal payment for undocumented aliens" and "Subtitle H, Sec. 1786. Prohibitions on Federal Medicaid and CHIP payment for undocumented aliens." I also see words like "Sec. 1233, Voluntary advance care planning consultation" and "Nothing in this section shall require an individual to consent to restrictions on the amount, duration, or scope of medical benefits an individual is entitled to receive under this title; or encourage the promotion of suicide or assisted suicide."

But, like I said, those words are in the bill the House passed. I haven't read the bill in Sarah Palin's brain, and frankly, I don't think I will. I can't stomach horror movies either.

Here's some free advice for politicians.

After stealing campaign material from your opponent through some kind of weird covert operation, don't go and brag about it on Facebook. And maybe consider not bragging about it anywhere. Because of the whole it's illegal and unethical thing.

If you simply must brag about it, do it on MySpace. I guarantee that won't make any waves.

Liberals have ruined the media, supposedly, but if you'll notice it is Sarah Palin who's forcing CNN reporters to write paragraphs like this:

Palin published a note on her Facebook page Tuesday that encourages President Barack Obama to grant a request for the tens of thousands of additional troops reportedly requested by Gen. Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. commander in the country.

Good call. The president always refreshes his Facebook news feed before making any major military decisions, so this will be very helpful, I'm sure.

"Now is not the time for cold feet, second thoughts, or indecision," Palin wrote on the site.

Hey now. HEY NOW. Perhaps you meant 'indecisiveness,' Sarah? Or 'MSNBC'?

Quick, let's all express our displeasure with Sarah Palin by sending her a message she can understand. Using the English language is probably a terrible idea, so… superpoke or de-friend, your choice.

Bipartisan debate, proposed legislation, presidential addresses, blah blah. What does an unemployed Alaskan woman think about health care reform? That is the real question. Gosh, if only we knew an unemployed Alaskan woman with access to a typing machine.

Oh, right! Sarah Palin, the Martin Luther of Facebook. She has typed up another important message about health care, and I'll score it for you here:

Mentions of Ronald Reagan: 1

Mentions of death panels: 1

Mentions of God/Jesus Christ/Trig Palin: 0. There is a reference to "the weakest among us," but that could also mean Todd, maybe.

Total score: 2 (?) out of 3

One strange thing I just noticed — Sarah Palin seems to have figured out a hack that lets her post her Facebook notes on the Wall Street Journal's op-ed page. How the hell did she do that? And where is the "Don't Like" button?

* The scariest aspect of the health care debate.

* Sarah Palin kicked off Facebook.

* Just kidding. Her ghost writer still gets to post. (Ed note: Whew!)

* Michele Bachmann does not want anyone "Palinizing" her. Of course not. What kind of congresswoman do you think she is? Besides, she's perfectly capable of Palinizing herself.

* Onion News Network: Peta Protest Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment of Women.

* Please mark your race: Caucasian, Negro, Mongoloid or Neanderthal.

* Don't worry, Palinophiles fans. I'm sure this is all a part of her very-well-thought-out master plan. I mean, it's not like her to behave erratically.

* The godless, paganistic, heathens are turning on Obama?! But that's his base!!!

* This is, I think, how we were all hoping the Beer Summit would go down.

* Why Michael Savage's being banned from England is as disturbing as it is hilarious.

* What do the First Amendment and Lisa Lampanelli's hooha have in common? They both get expanded every time someone hosts a comedy roast (such as this one).