We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Lt. Col. Allen West (Ret), who is running for Congress in Florida's 22nd District, released a statement on Friday morning that heavily insinuated that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan — the soldier responsible for the Fort Hood killings — was a Muslim extremist.
"This enemy preys on downtrodden soldiers and teaches them extremism will lift them up," West said, in a statement titled "Terrorists Are Infiltrating Military". "Our soldiers are being brainwashed."…
In releasing his statement, West appears to be the first politician to claim a link between Malik Hasan's shooting rampage and Islamic extremism or terrorism. Reports on the incident aren't 100 percent clear. But they generally suggest that Malik Hasan was acting out of intense stress over a pending deployment to Iraq. That said, authorities have not ruled out that Hasan was acting on the behest of an unidentified radical group. Hasan was a lifelong Muslim who worked at a psychiatric hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.
Please bear in mind that Col. West managed to win this award without the use of nearly any pertinent information or time for serious analysis.
Having exhausted the potential of posterboard, Rep. Alan Grayson — the Florida Democrat who civilly suggested that Republicans would like you to die in a brisk fashion, instead of lollygagging — has shifted his attention here, to the internet. It's where politics belongs!
So if you or someone you know has died (at any speed) because of a lack of health insurance, you may visit Alan Grayson's new Names of the Dead website, type in that info, click submit and then check out the links to Rep. Grayson's speeches on YouTube, to assuage your grief.
The National Republican Congressional Committee slammed Grayson Wednesday over the new site.
"What is wrong with this man?" NRCC spokesman Andy Sere said in a statement e-mailed to CNN. "Alan Grayson's morbid exploitation of 'the dead' for personal political gain may be the most shameless stunt he's pulled yet."
The NRCC has a point, of course. Nothing is more shameless than exploiting the dead* for personal political gains, and I'm sure Republicans will fume real hard about this while they festoon their suits with yellow ribbons and instruct their handlers to pose them next to more dead soldiers' moms.
* Notice that Andy Sere typed 'the dead' in skeptic's quotes. How do we have any way of knowing these people really are dead? They could be asleep, or faking, in an effort to advance the Democratic agenda.
Longtime viewers of The Colbert Report may remember Rep. Robert Wexler, collecting his Colbert Bump while representing Florida's Fightin' 19th on "Better Know a District."
U.S. House of Representatives member Robert Wexler of Boca Raton, a self-described "fire-breathing liberal," defender of Israel and friend of both President Barack Obama and Gov. Charlie Crist, is quitting Congress to head a think tank seeking peace in the Middle East.
Typical American. Thinking he can use a tank to bring peace.
Anyway, here's Wexler's first ever appearance on The Colbert Report, way back in July of 2006, in simpler times when a politician could be forced to admit to using coke and hookers on basic cable television and still get elected…
I don't know if you remember a thing called "yesterday," but it's this period of time in a person's life that's typically a lot less sad and lonely and boring than what we call "today" and waaaaaayy less awesome than that "tomorrow" thing we're all waiting for.
But I digress.
Anyway, remember how, in this "yesterday" thing, I wrote a pretty okay post that I didn't hate myself for having written (Ah, remember when I wasn't a talentless hack? Sigh.) about how Democratic congressperson from Florida, Alan Grayson, went the full Glenn Beck and — with placards on the House floor — accused the Republican Party of trying to kill everyone in America? And how the GOP leadership was demanding an apology? Remember that?
Well, he apologized…
That's a pretty okay apology. I think I liked it. It wasn't nearly as Glenn Beck-y as his first speech.
Of course, this all happened yesterday. Nothing good like that ever happens today. (But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.)
After saying he was inspired to read the Republican health care plan by the paper-waving GOP lawmakers at Obama's recent address, Grayson summed up his findings with a few simple pieces of posterboard.
"The Republican health care plan: don't get sick," he said. But, he added,"The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick … This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"
In the midst of this loud and divisive battle over health care reform, you really gotta respect that kind of sober and thoughtful debating (especially since he decided against using his original fourth placard). Because that's a pretty fair assessment of what Republicans wants for Americans, right? A quick
House Republicans were, however, shocked by Grayson's presentation. Heavens to Murgatroyd! Those conservative gentlemen had never heard such partisan promulgation! Why, they were practically struck down with the vapors…
Luis Perrero [65-years-old] of Coral Gables was standing among about 40 Democratic activists and union workers [outside a Sen. Bill Nelson event in Miami] when a man in a Ford pick-up truck pulled up to the rally at Jungle Island and began arguing with the crowd.
The man, who only gave his first name as Raul, said Perrero called him a Spanish curse word. He punched Perrero in the face. Perrero fell to the ground and lay motionless for a few minutes…
Wilhelmina Ford, another healthcare reform proponent at the rally, said, "It was totally uncalled for. The guy may have had words with him but he didn't have to hit him in the face."
Isn't that just like a liberal? First they're trying to take away my Constitutional right to have you not have health insurance. And now they're trying to take away my Constitutional right to have you not have an un-smashed in face.
And The Karl Rove Award for Most Speedy and Shameless Use of a National Tragedy for Personal Political Gain goes to…
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Longtime viewers of The Colbert Report may remember Rep. Robert Wexler, collecting his Colbert Bump while representing Florida's Fightin' 19th on "Better Know a District." 
Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla) sure does seem to have 
