"If God doesn't exist, then why does the Constitution say 'In God We Trust'?"

Check and mate.

Choke on that unbeatable logic, you Devil-worshipping atheists!

Lt. Col. Allen West (Ret), who is running for Congress in Florida's 22nd District, released a statement on Friday morning that heavily insinuated that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan — the soldier responsible for the Fort Hood killings — was a Muslim extremist.

"This enemy preys on downtrodden soldiers and teaches them extremism will lift them up," West said, in a statement titled "Terrorists Are Infiltrating Military". "Our soldiers are being brainwashed."…

In releasing his statement, West appears to be the first politician to claim a link between Malik Hasan's shooting rampage and Islamic extremism or terrorism. Reports on the incident aren't 100 percent clear. But they generally suggest that Malik Hasan was acting out of intense stress over a pending deployment to Iraq. That said, authorities have not ruled out that Hasan was acting on the behest of an unidentified radical group. Hasan was a lifelong Muslim who worked at a psychiatric hospital in Bethesda, Maryland.

Please bear in mind that Col. West managed to win this award without the use of nearly any pertinent information or time for serious analysis.

So if you or someone you know has died (at any speed) because of a lack of health insurance, you may visit Alan Grayson's new Names of the Dead website, type in that info, click submit and then check out the links to Rep. Grayson's speeches on YouTube, to assuage your grief.

Oh boy. This should go over like a lead balloon with a nonexistent child in it…

The National Republican Congressional Committee slammed Grayson Wednesday over the new site.

"What is wrong with this man?" NRCC spokesman Andy Sere said in a statement e-mailed to CNN. "Alan Grayson's morbid exploitation of 'the dead' for personal political gain may be the most shameless stunt he's pulled yet."

The NRCC has a point, of course. Nothing is more shameless than exploiting the dead* for personal political gains, and I'm sure Republicans will fume real hard about this while they festoon their suits with yellow ribbons and instruct their handlers to pose them next to more dead soldiers' moms.

^{* Notice that Andy Sere typed 'the dead' in skeptic's quotes. How do we have any way of knowing these people really are dead? They could be asleep, or faking, in an effort to advance the Democratic agenda.}

Well, he represents that district no more…

U.S. House of Representatives member Robert Wexler of Boca Raton, a self-described "fire-breathing liberal," defender of Israel and friend of both President Barack Obama and Gov. Charlie Crist, is quitting Congress to head a think tank seeking peace in the Middle East.

Typical American. Thinking he can use a tank to bring peace.

Anyway, here's Wexler's first ever appearance on The Colbert Report, way back in July of 2006, in simpler times when a politician could be forced to admit to using coke and hookers on basic cable television and still get elected…

And, if you're a big time Wexler fan (for some reason), you'll find a bunch more clips after the jump. Otherwise, here's a clip of President Obama being made to salsa dance under duress.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

But I digress.

Anyway, remember how, in this "yesterday" thing, I wrote a pretty okay post that I didn't hate myself for having written (Ah, remember when I wasn't a talentless hack? Sigh.) about how Democratic congressperson from Florida, Alan Grayson, went the full Glenn Beck and — with placards on the House floor — accused the Republican Party of trying to kill everyone in America? And how the GOP leadership was demanding an apology? Remember that?

Well, he apologized…

That's a pretty okay apology. I think I liked it. It wasn't nearly as Glenn Beck-y as his first speech.

Of course, this all happened yesterday. Nothing good like that ever happens today. (But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.)

After saying he was inspired to read the Republican health care plan by the paper-waving GOP lawmakers at Obama's recent address, Grayson summed up his findings with a few simple pieces of posterboard.

"The Republican health care plan: don't get sick," he said. But, he added,"The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick … This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"

In the midst of this loud and divisive battle over health care reform, you really gotta respect that kind of sober and thoughtful debating (especially since he decided against using his original fourth placard). Because that's a pretty fair assessment of what Republicans wants for Americans, right? A quick

House Republicans were, however, shocked by Grayson's presentation. Heavens to Murgatroyd! Those conservative gentlemen had never heard such partisan promulgation! Why, they were practically struck down with the vapors…

"That is about the most mean-spirited partisan statement that I've ever heard made on this floor, and I, for one, don't appreciate it," said Rep. Jimmy Duncan (R-Tenn.).

Somebody get that man and iced tea! Stat! And don't forget the mint!

Anyway, you can bet your bottom dollar that the irony-enriched party leadership are going to take this not-at-all-Republican-esque affront lying down…

Taking a page from Democrats who disciplined Rep. Joe "You Lie" Wilson earlier this month, Republicans are seeking their own pound of flesh…

Rep. Tom Price of Georgia, who heads the party's conservative Republican Study Committee, was planning to introduce a "resolution of disapproval" over Grayson's behavior that mirrors one Democrats approved against Wilson. Michael Steel, a spokesman for House Republican leader John Boehner, said Boehner supports the resolution.

I'm so glad our Founding Fathers had the foresight to declare that Congress should be filled with adults.

Luis Perrero [65-years-old] of Coral Gables was standing among about 40 Democratic activists and union workers [outside a Sen. Bill Nelson event in Miami] when a man in a Ford pick-up truck pulled up to the rally at Jungle Island and began arguing with the crowd.

The man, who only gave his first name as Raul, said Perrero called him a Spanish curse word. He punched Perrero in the face. Perrero fell to the ground and lay motionless for a few minutes…

Wilhelmina Ford, another healthcare reform proponent at the rally, said, "It was totally uncalled for. The guy may have had words with him but he didn't have to hit him in the face."

Isn't that just like a liberal? First they're trying to take away my Constitutional right to have you not have health insurance. And now they're trying to take away my Constitutional right to have you not have an un-smashed in face.

Fuckin' socialists.

In his letter to friends and supporters, obtained by The Associated Press, Martinez says he's stepping down early for personal reasons.

"My priorities have always been my faith, my family and my country, and at this stage in my life, and after nearly 12 years of public service in Florida and Washington, it's time I return to Florida and my family," Martinez wrote.

The note says his resignation will be "effective on a successor taking office to fill out the remainder of my term."

That's what Martinez wrote, but I'm sure in his heart he meant something more along the lines of, "In the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins."

And He shall be called Rand Paul. And He shall run for U.S. Senate in Kentucky. And He shall have gloriously curly locks of salt-and-pepper hair that shall drip with the oil that shall fuel a libertarian uprising!

And Rachel Maddow scored an interview with Him last night.

(You'll have to wade through some not-completely un-entertaining stuff involving Roberta McCain, Rush Limbaugh and Charlie Crist, but the Rand Paul interview begins at around the 3:15 mark.)

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Listen to Rand Paul's voice. Look into his eyes. Now, I don't wanna sound like some totally insane crazy nut job — no offense, Ron Paul supporters, no offense! — but I suspect that Rand Paul is, in fact, just a slow-aging clone of his father Ron.

You know, like Boba was to Jango.

If that's the case, then we really need to listen to what he says. He possesses knowledge that we can only dream about! And he might own a jet pack.

This past decade or so, we've really be inundated with a minor smattering homosexual-themed movies and TV shows — showing how happy and fun-loving the gay lifestyle supposedly is — haven't we?

Well, here's another gay-glorifying movie to pile on to the pile-on: "Outrage," a film which "goes after closeted hypocritical Republicans who push anti-gay legislation"…

In a brilliant marketing coup, it seems that somehow the RNC has managed to secure a place for its Senate hopeful Florida Governor Charlie Crist in the cast full of allegedly gay studs…

The film, Outrage, tracks the outings of prominent gay political figures, such as Crist and former Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman. It's being produced by Magnolia Pictures and will appear in Landmark Theaters across the country.

"Using some firsthand accounts of former sexual partners, old campaign footage (to occasionally humorous effect) and commentary from gay political media watchdogs, the film makes the case for each man's homosexuality, and presents his lifetime gay rights voting record," according to one reviewer. "In each instance, the disconnect is staggering.

Why must the gays continue to press their joyous and carefree lifestyle on us like this?