We've all been there. Gently stroking our favorite semi-automatic rifle while watching Glenn Beck cry about his lunch or whatever on Fox News, thinking about the way that things are shaping up in the world around us. Because let's face it, you don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us.

Isn't that right, terror-mongering, unnecessarily-racist website that I'll get to in a minute?

You don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us. A belligerent lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives…

Could you and your family get off the grid and survive in a panic? Do you have enough seeds to plant a survival garden and feed your family? Do you have the right kind of seeds to plant? If you're answering no to these questions, you need to stop wherever you are and ask yourself… "What would I do if the grocery stores closed?" The answer sadly is that you'd probably go hungry.

What would I do if the grocery stores closed? The answer sadly is that I'd probably go hungry. Unless I could kill my children before they got to me. That'd probably provide me with about six weeks worth of meat, eight if I decided to mince the offal. And I'm sure that some aimless drifters would happen across my land in that time. If I could hunt down just three of them, that'd probably keep me alive through the winter. Or till the Tribulation. Whichever comes first.

But wait! I can't eat all that protein without at least a little fiber. Everybody knows that vegetables are socialist, but I've got to eat them or else I get backed up real bad. Oh, Jesus! Glenn Beck is right, it truly is the End of Days!

Wait, what's this? Glenn Beck's going to commercial? I wonder if the solution to all my problems will be found during this break…

Thanks, Survival Seed Bank dot com! A full acre crisis garden is exactly what I've been needing to supplement my apocalyptic cannibal farm! Just one question, though?

Non-hybrid seeds? That means that they're not mulatto or half-breed, right? I don't wanna grow any "lower class" vegetables. And no fruits.

(via BuzzFeed)

Sad news, everyone. We missed our chance to bid on the Holy Toast of St. O'Reilly…

Ended: Mar 02, 201006:07:31 PST
Bid history: 5 bids
Winning bid: US $11.63

Maybe it's just as well. I probably wouldn't have been willing to go above $7.26.

This will make you scratch your head, and then it'll make you groan. And then you'll probably send it to a friend (one of your dorkier friends, most likely)…

Aha yet? You'll aha.

I do not apologize for posting that anymore than I apologize for reminding you of this little brilliant thing.

(via The Daily What)

From The CC Insider…

While not all of America can agree on the controversial subject of abortion, I think we can all agree on Doritos. Fat bloggers, fat gamers, fat Dungeons and Dragons nerds; all different factions of American life agree Doritos is the easiest food to eat without moving around too much. And now, finally, we know where Doritos stands on the controversial subject of abortion. Personally, I stand with a woman's right to choose to eat Doritos, but I am sympathetic to right-to-lifers stance that fetuses also love Doritos.

Can I just say UCB Comedy really killed it with this video. Killed it like Obama is killing babies, right guys?! (BOOOO! I don't even like that joke!)

Well, if nothing else — and that might just prove to be the case — Barack Obama can rest soundly knowing that his legacy will at least include minced sheep entrails…

At last, real change we can believe in: the Obama administration is lifting the pernicious ban on haggis that for more than 20 years has deprived Americans the chance to munch the great chieftain o' the pudden-race…

So here at least Obama has achieved something that neither his predecessor nor Bill Clinton had the courage to take on.

Say what you will about this oft-maligned bit of Scottish cuisine, but I can actually imagine myself watching haggis being made without throwing up. And that's more than I can say for health care reform.

In other news: America had a 20 year ban on haggis? (Oddly, in all that time, this never came up once for me.)

Hi, Internet! I'm back! You did know that I was gone didn't you? Like, for the entirety of 2010 so far. Right? You were aware of that, I assume. (I'm going to assume that for for the benefit of my own fragile ego.)

Anyway, I just flew in from Bogotá, Colombia, and boy are my arms tired (from carrying all of the drugs hidden in my luggage that I was muling into the U.S. for a paramilitary organization). I'm still struggling to figure out what's going on in the U.S. these past two weeks. Did we solve racism? I'll bet we did.

While I acquaint myself with the new American utopia that has surely been created in my absence, please watch this clip of a douchebag with a video camera verbally assaulting a douchebag who used to be President of the United States (thank god we're past all that, right?)…

Assholes. They're just like us!

(via BuzzFeed)