We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Exit polls are just starting to trickle in, but some leftie types want the networks to call the election long before the polls close. Because that's always a fantastic, accuracy-prone idea…
The New York Times reports that CBS and Slate may call the election before the polls close around the country. I hope they do.
I think it will be an early night and the outcome will be known as soon as Ohio, PA, Florida, Indiana and Virginia are projected….
Why drag it out? Let's begin the celebration early.
Exactly! Look, if the West Coast insists on being in a distant time zone, that's their business.
But that doesn't mean everyone else should have to drink flat champagne.
If the Maverick rhetoric in the presidential campaigns is doing anything, we hope it’s motivating everyone to get out and vote. Which is why we’re giving away a real Maverick, absolutely FREE to all voters. All men, not just Joe Six Pack, love the Maverick sleeve ($20 value) by Vibratex. He’s always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo.
I feel like bucking the status quo right now. I want to buck the hell out of it.
Wait, it gets better. We’ve got one more enticement. A free Silver Bullet ($15 value), because that’s what our country needs right now, a magical solution to difficult problems. Babeland’s most popular compact mini-vibe feels fantastic and is a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!
Aw, man, I just relieved my stress all over my hand. Yuck.
Bring a voter registration card, ballot stub or your word of honor that you cast a ballot on November 4th and we’ll give you either a free Maverick sleeve or a Silver Bullet. This offer is good at any Babeland location in New York and Seattle November 4-11, while supplies last.
Even if you don't have the hard evidence you slipped your ballot into the slot, your word of honor, via oral confirmation, is enough, because who's more honorable than a sex-shop customer? The election is in your hands, people!
Let's all applaud the good people at Babeland for insuring that this election, there's one poll that can't be denied (hint: it's your penis).
Tampa Bay's local Fox affiliate posted an interactive map of voter complaints. The map reveals some have not been able to rock the vote. In fact, they weren't even able to smooth jazz the vote.
Miciala G. reports: "I was not able to vote. I relocated to Pinellas County June 2007. I registered to vote at the same time I changed my driver's license. This morning, I was informed that my voter registration was "illegible" due to the scan from the DMV. The volunteer at polling place told me there is nothing I can do. She also told me that they have see (sic) this problem a lot."
Robert K. reports: "They are denying my right to vote . . . I waited in line for an hour, but the polling officer was pulling others further back in the line, short of a riot, they discontinued
When I presented my ballot, it wasn't scanned, presumably the reader was not "working". When I phoned the Supervisor of Elections office I was put on hold, then someone picked up only to hang up upon me."
The most common complaint involves the scanners jamming or breaking down. It seems like many voting locations don't have repairmen at the ready to help fix these problems, because that doesn't seem like an important thing to have, right?
But don't worry. For every person that doesn't vote, there's one person that votes twice.
Keith B. reports: "I voted last Wendsday (sic) for the early vote. I went this morning just to check the system out and they let me go through and I could have voted twice. I stoped (sic) once they gave me the ballot, and told them I had already voted. There are 6 books with each name in each book. Someone can walk up to one book, sign and vote. Later come back go to another book and do the same."
It appears someone hacked into George Mason University's e-mail system late last night and sent out a hoax message…
The short message, which looked as if it came from the office of Provost Peter N. Stearns, was addressed to the Mason Community at large: "Please note that election day has been moved to November 5th. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you."
At least they were polite and apologized. This is just an isolated incident anyway, so don't fret.
Voting can be an extremely satisfying experience, as you can't help but feel proud and patriotic for taking part in democracy first hand. Because of this, casting a ballot every Election Day will add six Life Points (LPs) to your total. However, as with everything else in Your Life®, there are a few obstacles you'll have to overcome before collecting them.
Obstacle #1: The People Holding Signs in Front of the Nursing Home Where Your Precinct Is Located
Difficulty: Moderate
Life Points Vulnerable: 2
The small crowd of people holding signs for their respective candidates can be pushy, and if you let their last minute pleas for support get to your head your Guilt and Confusion Meters will rise to perilous levels.
This is especially true when you see Margaret, the woman you've been flirting with at the Laundromat. She'll hold a sign for Gus Shanks, your local Fascist-leaning alderman. You never took Margaret as the fascist type so this will come as something of a shock, and you'll lose your bearings and begin to think that Mussolini was just a poorly misunderstood novelist. So, yeah, you'll want to avoid the people holding signs.
Otherwise you'll enter the precinct with your judgment clouded, and risk the chance of voting for a candidate you'll regret about later, which will cost you two LPs.
Tip: Run (D-PAD UP + ANALOG A-PAD on the controller) past the people holding signs while holding your ears and humming the "This Land is Your Land." (TAP X-BUTTON GENTLY + C-BUTTON)
The first Don't Vote PSA was such a smashing hit that they've made a sequel with a cast that's even more star-studded than the last one…
They say you can tell a lot about a person by which combination of celebrities finally convinced him or her to vote. For me, it was Ryan Reynolds, Harrison Ford and Snoop Dogg, which makes me an RRHFSP.
RRHFSPs are known for their introspection, constructive problem-solving skills and overabundance of adulthood pants-poopings.
Believe it or not, my wife is a ZBOBCD. I know, it's crazy, but opposites attract.
Both parties are ramping up their get-out-the-vote efforts, but some enterprising Real Virginians have switched to a keep-in-the-vote approach, distributing fliers that instruct area Democrats to wait until November 5 to cast their ballots.
A phony State Board of Elections flier advising Republicans to vote on Nov. 4 and Democrats on Nov. 5 is being circulated in several Hampton Roads [Real Virginia] localities, according to state elections officials.
In fact, Election Day, for voters of all political stripes, remains Nov. 4.
The somewhat official-looking flier — it features the state board logo and the state seal — is dated Oct. 24 and indicates that "an emergency session of the General Assembly has adopted the follwing (sic) emergency regulations to ease the load on local electorial (sic) precincts and ensure a fair electorial process."
The four-paragraph flier concludes with: "We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause but felt this was the only way to ensure fairness to the complete electorial process."
Who on earth could be responsible for these cowardly, un-democratic, anti-spellcheck fliers? Let's put our speculating caps on…
Virginia Democrats say they had to battle similar misinformation campaign from GOP supporters in 2005 and 2006, but some Republicans suspect Democrats are actually behind the efforts in order to generate stories about potential voter suppression.
Of course! It's like how Barack Obama's supporters keep screaming slurs about him in order to generate stories about people screaming slurs.
Keep this in mind next week when millions of sneaky Democrats don't vote for Barack Obama, just so they can generate stories about him losing the election.
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Both parties are ramping up their get-out-the-vote efforts, but some enterprising Real Virginians have switched to a keep-in-the-vote approach, distributing fliers that instruct area Democrats to wait until November 5 to cast their ballots.
