FLASHBACK: August 2006.
SCENE: A George Allen for Senate rally in Virginia. Our hero, GEORGE ALLEN, bounds across the stage and fires off his wacky new catchphrase, "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here." For whatever reason, people do not get the joke, and our hero suffers ignominious defeat at the hands of Democrat JIM WEBB, who had sent the macaca to the rally in the first place, and who once convinced ELAINE and NEWMAN to steal a dog.

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."

FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.

“I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.

MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.

THE END! (…OR IS IT?)

We're ready to announce the first Democratic pick-up in their charge toward a 60-vote Senate supermajority.  Of course, if we'd told you 2 years ago that this path would start in the old Confederacy, you would have called us "Macaca" and encouraged a mob to taunt us.

Well, apologies to everyone from Jefferson Davis to George Allen.  Mark Warner will be the next Senator from Virginia.

And apologies as well to Warner's opponent, Jim Gilmore, although we're pretty sure he stopped paying attention several months back.

And since Senator Grand Wizard Lester Bull Connor Robert E. Wallace David Maddox Duke Thurmond Earl Ray was unavailable…

Finally — real minority outreach from the GOP. The Virginia Republicans have a big rally coming up this Saturday that's designed to reach out to minority voters in Fairfax County.

Guess who is one of the featured speakers?

George Allen. Yes, that George Allen.

…because in 2008, having only one confederate flag license plate on your Ford Mustang makes you 50% more qualified to talk to minorities than every other member of the Virginia Republican Party.

Asked whether "macaca" might cloud the message a bit, Scimeca said the whole thing was a smear-job by the Dems: "Anyone had to go on Wikipedia to be offended by it. And you know how people can mess with Wikipedia."

Well put. I'd always heard lots of stuff about segregation, but it wasn't until I keyed it into Ask Jeeves that I realized what a lousy gig that was!

Unable to land any significant punches against Barack Obama, the Republican Party has switched its focus to re-enacting their much more successful 2004 presidential campaign… And what could be more 2004 than taking shots at Howard Dean?

The GOP is chiding Dean for referring to them as "the white party" in an NPR interview last week, after which he stopped himself and laughed at his gaffe…

"Our party has been a no-majority party for a long time. The fact is that the Democratic Party is made up of lots of different people," Dean said. "If you look at folks of color, even women, they're more successful in the Democratic Party than they are in the white — excuse me — in the Republican Party." Dean laughed as he stumbled over the correction.

Unfortunately for the GOP, their time-honored tradition of upbraiding Howard Dean (now four years and running) is eclipsed by an even longer tradition of sending no black Republicans to Congress, which now stands at 5 years, 229 days.

That said, Howard Dean is an obvious racist who refuses to acknowledge the "big tent" that Rush Limbaugh, Trent Lott and George Allen are pitching on the Twin Cities' front lawn next month.

I mean hasn't he heard that Cowboy Troy will be playing the convention?

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

What Are They Doing Now? Last week we profiled the first man to drop out of the 2008 presidential race, Tom Vilsack, and we're not gonna lie — we were a little bored, too. But with him out of the way, who remembers the second presidential contender to withdraw from the contest?

No, it wasn't Stephen Colbert; he lasted through November '07. It was — forehead smacker alert! — former Virginia Governor James S. Gilmore III! (If you can prove you knew this, you win the lieutenant governorship of your home state!)

To outsiders, Gilmore III had it all: The racial diplomacy of his predecessor George Allen, the fine art patronage of Rudy Giuliani… even the name recognition of U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR)! And yet despite these advantages, Gilmore III was out of the race by July.

But if this loser harbored any visions of lazing around the mansion all summer, he obviously hadn't consulted his wife (also named James S. Gilmore III.) Lo and behold, she has him right back out on the campaign trail where he belongs, and this time it's for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by the venerable statesman John "Mark" Warner!

Opposing Gilmore III is fellow ex-governor Mark "John" Warner, who is campaigning on a pledge to run for president within the next decade. To counter this, we expect Gilmore III to rile up the base by proposing the legalization of cloning for the exact window of time needed to do Ronald Reagan, after which it will become a felony. If only "Macaca" Allen had thought of that!

This is a big week for Fred Thompson. Not only does it mark his first Republican debate, but he's also announced the addition to of George Allen — the Man Who Would Be Candidate — to his campaign team. (Apparently, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, David Vitter and Tom DeLay were all unavailable.)

Many believe that had it not been for Allen's disappointing loss of his Senate seat following a series of devastating controversies, he would be the leading Republican presidential candidate today. Alas, that was not to be. But he can still be a huge help to his friend Freddie. He brings a wide array of talents to the table. Such as…

Marketing
When it comes to name recognition, Allen's talents are unsurpassed. Within a few weeks, the words "Fred" and "Thompson" should be on the lips of every citizen between Richmond and Seattle. Just look at what he did for such an obscure word as "macaca."

Speechwriting
Speaking of vocabulary, let's face it: Allen's a poet at heart. His amazing gift for colorful language will help Thompson elevate his orations to truly rapturous levels.

Direct Mail
Expect to see Thompson's smiling face often when sorting through the mail. Allen allegedly has a lot of alleged experience with allegedly stuffing things into mailboxes. Allegedly.

Networking
Can help put Thompson in touch with a wide range of influential special interest groups, be they white, Caucasian, Anglo-European or pale face.

That Elusive X Factor
For a laid back, down-home, regular guy like Thompson, a little bit of Allen's plausibly deniable knack for surprise and theatrics will go a long way.

So congratulations to Mr. Thompson. His should be a spectacular presidential campaign. As his good friend Mr. Allen himself has said: "You can tell a lot about people by the folks they stand with."