If you're alive enough to read this, consider yourself among the lucky ones. Somehow, President Obama's death panels haven't gotten to you yet. But don't think you're safe. None of us are safe from the death panels. Soylent Healthcare is people!

The Daily Show's coverage of Obama's death panels continues after the jump followed by Stephen Colbert's take.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday beginning at 11pm / 10c.

Read more »

According to ABC News' George Stephanopoulos, a bunch of staffers inside the only white man's political campaign in the history of space-time to run third behind a woman and a black guy were planning on hitting the emergency brake if it looked like their guy might win the Democratic nomination in 2008.

Not really because John Edwards was a white guy — which was just soooo 2004 — but because of that whole cheating on his wife thing — which was soooo 1999…

Basically, if it looked like Edwards was going to win the Democratic Party nomination, they were going to sabotage his campaign, several former Edwards' staffers have told me.

They said they were Democrats first, and if it looked like Edwards was going to become the nominee, they were going to bring down the campaign.

Thank god somebody was prepared to do the scuzzy thing if it came down to it. I guess that's what makes them good cogs in the D.C. machine.

Did anyone consume the bizarre interview between ABC’s wonk hunk George Stephanopoulos and Senator John McCain via Twitter?

Here’s a scintillating sample of their in-depth interview about important topics concerning politics, technology, and national security, in 140 characters or less…

STEPHANOPOULOS: @SenJohnMcCain What worries you more: Pakistan or Iran?

MCCAIN: @GStephanopoulos both. the challenges are different but both significant.

I’m not a Twitter hater. Why, just the other day I twitted about how I added margarine to my Easy Mac to make it extra, super creamy. But the surprisingly fast paced adoption of the popular, personalized press release social networking system by the media and politicians is creepy and worrisome. Twitter gleefully devalues language, reducing words to their bare, passionless essentials. This is fine when you’re trying to tell your peeps what is up, where you at, but it is a slippery slope when it comes to meaningful conversation, especially between those in power, and those speaking to truth to that power. Or whisper it. Or wink, and kind of suggest the truth.

In George Orwell’s classic, hilarious bodice ripper 1984, the fascist, dystopian regime of the future controls the populace partially with cynically packaged media. The mass language spoke is called "Newspeak," and Orwell describes it as: "The only language in the world whose vocabulary gets smaller every year."

In Orwell's world, Big Brother destroys words, and meaningful conversation, in order to oppress. Of course, in our very real world, we're allowing ourselves to destroy the words, instead of waiting for evil overlords with rat cages to do it.

Here’s a sample of the same interview, in the very near future…

STEPHANOPOULOS @SenJohnMcCain Big Brother info req, make truth. Always at war with Oceania?

MCCAIN @GStephanopoulos Thoughtcrime. Oceania ungood. Confirm truth. Info req end.

Yesterday vice president-elect Joe Biden was released from the railcar of silence in which his boss Barack Obama has had him kept, lo these many weeks, so he could sit down with ABC News' George Stephanopoulos for an interview.

When asked why he hasn't resigned from the Senate yet (uh, he hasn't resigned from the Senate yet?), Uncle Joe let fly a bunch of malarkey about how his greatest achievement was being elected by the people of Delaware, not the people of non-Delaware America, so he wants to be sworn in again, for kicks.

GEORGE: But you're not going to stay on and try to preside…

BIDEN: No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not. I've already — if I haven't done it — to be honest with you, I think I've done it, but if I haven't done it, I've signed a letter, will sign a letter saying, notwithstanding the fact I'll be sworn in the first day, I have no intention of staying up until the day that I am sworn in as vice president. Secondly, I yield responsibility to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to John Kerry. No, I have, no.

To be precise, Joe Biden "yielded responsibility to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee" by pinky-swearing with John Kerry in the cafeteria.

They sealed the deal by giving Mitch McConnell a swirlie.

So, that debate last night (full video and transcript here) was something, huh? It sure was a debate, wasn't it? There were, like, questions asked and answers answered sort of. And those moderators — Charles Gibson and George Snuffolupogus — they moderated the shit of of that moderation. Very exciting stuff. After that debate last night, I'm goddamned proud to be a goddamned American, goddamnit.

So, what were other people's reactions, I wonder?

"Wow. What the hell was that? Seriously, I'm a bit stunned. The level of discourse has reached a new low — a very new low. It was the worst debate ever. Gibson and Stephanopoulos were horrible. The questions were literally right out of right wing talk radio." (Joe Sudbay)

"In perhaps the most embarrassing performance by the media in a major presidential debate in years, ABC News hosts Charles Gibson and George Stephanopolous focused mainly on trivial issues as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off in Philadelphia. They, and their network, should hang their collective heads in shame." (Greg Mitchell)

"Worst. Debate. Ever… there were times when tonight's debate ventured into territory so utterly asinine that I could scarcely believe what I was witnessing." (Jason Linkins)

"The loser was ABC News: one of the worst media performances I can remember — petty, shallow, process-obsessed, trivial where substantive, and utterly divorced from the actual issues that Americans want to talk about." (Andrew Sullivan)

"It was another step downward for network news — in particular ABC News, which hosted the debate from Philadelphia and whose usually dependable anchors, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, turned in shoddy, despicable performances." (Tom Shales)

"Looking around other sites, I guess I'm not the only one that thought this debate was unmitigated travesty." (Josh Marshall)

Oh…

Well, um…

I thought it sucked, too.