We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Fiorina, considered to be a moderate Republican with little history on social issues, will face off against conservative California Assemblyman Chuck DeVore for the GOP nomination.
The Fiorina-DeVore matchup has all the makings of another Republican battle between the conservative wing of the party and national leaders seeking for the most electable candidate. [...] A string of conservative bloggers have already lined up behind DeVore, and South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint said Tuesday he was backing the assemblyman.
So which will it be, California Republicans? The ineffective lady whose printers never work or the DeMint-ed DeVore? Only time will tell, but either way, it'll have nothing to do with the shallowness of the GOP's leadership pool and everything to do with Barack Obama's first year in office.
Here's GOP Chair Michael Steele asking for your support while standing in front of a bunch of two-dimensional white people.
So, what else is new?
Donate my face?! Why? So you can stick it up on that campaign bus along all the other people whom you've tricked into surrendering their corporeal form to you? So that my soul can wander aimlessly and distressed for all time?
For the last time, I'm not joining the Young Republicans!
Pretty much the only thing self-imploding Democratic Party has going for it these days is that the Republican Party has been working overtime to be self-implodinger.
Take, for example, the case of Dede Scozzafava, Republican candidate for New York's 23rd Congressional seat, who was insufficiently homophobic and anti-womens' rights for her party. Did she and her party put their differences about how much gay people should be prejudiced against aside and just fight for that seat together?
Scozzafava stepped aside Oct. 31 after her lead in polls evaporated and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a Republican, endorsed [Conservative candidate Doug] Hoffman. Scozzafava said she was "outspent on both sides." Republicans have just two other seats in New York's 29- member House delegation.
Oh, so, maybe I was wrong. She stepped aside so that conservatives didn't split the vote and end up putting a Democrat in office.
Wait, what?
Scozzafava, a state assemblywoman, yesterday announced she is supporting Democrat Bill Owens in his race against Doug Hoffman, the Conservative Party candidate, in a Nov. 3 special election in New York's traditionally Republican 23rd congressional district.
Lieberman/Scozzafava 2012! We are the people to fuck ourselves over we've been waiting for!
Update on this footnote: Maybe you better not believe that Joe Lieberman is "gonna be calling himself a Democrat while campaigning around Connecticut for re-election in 2012." Maybe you better also not believe that Joe Lieberman is gonna be campaigning around anywhere for Democrats in 2010, because he could be pretty busy campaigning around for Republicans…
Sounding more like an independent than a Democrat, Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn., tells ABC News he will campaign for some Republican candidates during the 2010 midterm elections and may not seek the Democratic Senate nomination when he runs for re-election in 2012.
"I probably will support some Republican candidates for Congress or Senate in the election in 2010. I'm going to call them as I see them," Lieberman said.
Great idea.
I think the rest of the world should follow Joe's lead on that and start calling him — what was it again? I know I read it somewhere… oh yes. "Joe Lieberman, milquetoast douchebag."
Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu…
Other prominent Republicans opposing Obama's declaration of emergency include Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, who urged residents of his state to continue not washing their hands, and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who made a point of dying of the virus during his show on Wednesday.
I don't think there's anything to add to that. We can probably all just go home now.
Boehner chided Democratic colleagues for taking up a resolution honoring the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius, suggesting it was "unacceptable" for the Congress to spend time on similar measures Tuesday while the economy continues to struggle.
"While Democrats get ready to celebrate the birth of an ancient Chinese philosopher, House Republicans will talk about our better solutions to create jobs and make health care more affordable and accessible for America's seniors," Boehner said in a statement.
On the one hand, it makes me really angry to see Congress busying itself useless nonsense. But, on the other, Confucius died nearly two and half milennia ago, and America's continued ignorance of his important work in fortune cookies was getting kind of ridiculous. (And just when are we going to get around to recognizing that Gilgamesh guy, huh?)
Why oh why oh why can't the Democrats be more like the Republicans, who don't waste everybody's time honoring dead Chinese philosophers. No, they would never do anything like that.
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Pretty much the only thing self-imploding Democratic Party has going for it these days is that the Republican Party has been working overtime to be self-implodinger.
Update on 
The Onion pretty much 
Hey, look at this! 
