Were you really? You probably shouldn't have been wondering…

Republicans, who have criticized the Democrats' initiative as a step toward government control of the healthcare system, are already planning a series of delaying tactics, including forcing the entire bill to be read aloud on the Senate floor.

"It's going to be a holy war," Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) said Wednesday evening.

All right! A good ol' fashioned holy war, just like they used to do it in the olden days. I'ma go grab my filabustin' stick!

George Carlin is known for his strong political views, taking a particularly strong stance against Reagan in his 1988 HBO special George Carlin: What Am I Doing in New Jersey. So it might come as a surprise to some that the long-haired comedian was once a conservative Republican.

In the new Carlin autobiography Last Words, it's revealed that Carlin's views changed from his early years. Punchline interviewed Carlin's daughter Kelly Carlin, and she had this to say on the matter:

I had known that [Carlin's former comedy partner] Jack Burns converted him, quote, unquote, but I didn't know that he just… I guess, I didn't think he really cared. If you take on your parents' politics, it's because you haven't thought about it yet in some ways. Clearly, Jack's conversion of him — he didn't have to wrestle him to the ground or anything. He had a few pot-and-beer-induced deep conversations with my dad, and my dad's a smart person and clearly a light went off in his head. But, yeah, the shocking reality of this McCarthy Republican, it's like, "What?!" I love that. I think that makes him all the more human to the world.

So, there you have it. Carlin was once a young Republican. It's not that surprising. After all, doesn't everyone's outlook change drastically from what they believed in high school and college? At least, smart people's opinions change.

Follow us as we use sophisticated computer technology to depict what George Carlin probably would look like as a Republican…

Well, he's still got a chance, but it's not looking quite as chancerific as it was last week. Say la vee. (La vee.)

This leads us to wonder if Republicans — despite growing dissatisfaction with congressional Democrats — the the GOP could still be getting ready to Scozzafava away all of its moderate (reasonable) candidates for 2010 and still end up losing ground.

According to this poll from CNN, that seems to be a possibility…

The poll indicates that a slight majority, 51 percent, of Republicans would prefer to see the GOP in their area nominate candidates who agree with them on all the major the issues even if they have a poor chance of beating the Democratic candidate. Forty-three percent of Republicans say they would rather have candidates with whom they don't agree on all the important issues but who can beat the Democrats.

Democrats polled seemed to place a slightly higher priority on electoral victory: 58 percent say that they would like their party to nominate candidates who can beat Republicans, even if they don't agree with those candidates on all the issues. Fewer than 4 in 10 Democrats say they would rather see their party nominate candidates who agree with them on all major issues, but have a poor chance of beating the Republican candidate.

Translation: Republicans are obstinate and unrealistic, while Democrats are cowardly and accepting of mediocrity.

So, this poll gives us no new information.

Hey, you can't make an omelette without disenfranchising an enormous percentage of the electorate. Am I right, fellas?

And don't you think they'd notice that clause in their policies before some Politico reporter did?

The Republican National Committee will no longer offer employees an insurance plan that covers abortion after POLITICO reported Thursday that the anti-abortion RNC's policy has covered the procedure since 1991.

"Money from our loyal donors should not be used for this purpose," Chairman Michael Steele said in a statement. "I don't know why this policy existed in the past, but it will not exist under my administration. Consider this issue settled."

Steele has told the committee's director of administration to opt out of coverage for elective abortion in the policy it uses from Cigna.

Yep, issue settled, unless you happen to have a uterus, a job at the RNC and an unwanted pregnancy.

Oh well! At least the GOP's loyal donors can sleep soundly again, secure in the knowledge that their dollars will not go toward standard insurance policies that cover legal health care services for people with uteri. Nope, their dollars will only go toward important things, like web design.

Just like today, according to the Twitter account of Colorado state Senator David Schultheis…

Schultheis wrote, "Don't for a second think Obama wants what is best for U.S. He is flying the U.S. plane right into the ground at full speed. Let's roll." [...]

"Let's roll" were reportedly the final words of passenger Todd Beamer before his hijacked plane crashed into a Pennsylvania field during the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. Passengers aboard the flight tried to regain control of the plane and crashed before reaching the hijacker's intended target.

Now, you'd think Sen. Schultheis's apology muscle would be getting a serious workout today. You would be wrong…

Schultheis, who sent the tweet Tuesday, said he was angry about President's fiscal policies, but didn't mean to compare him to the Sept. 11 hijackers. [...]

"'Let's roll.' It's a comment people use all the time. 'Let's get going. Let's move on. Let's make major changes,'" Schultheis said. "I can see it now. But, you're busy doing jillions of things during the day. You sometimes don't analyze every single word."

Well, sure. That's true enough. Thanks for pointing that out, Schultheis, you fucking Bin Laden of Twitter.

(What? What'd I say? Guys, look, the to-do list is out of control.)

Gettin' censured…

The Republican Party of Charleston, South Carolina has voted to censure Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) for working with Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) on cap-and-trade emissions legislation.

Sure, but why stop there? Bipartisan cooperation on climate change using facts and science is just the tip of the iceberg (Lindsey Graham). Here's a sampling of the other accusations the GOP (which, in our ongoing metaphor, would be the Titanic) has levied…

U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham has shown a condescending attitude toward his constituents by calling them "bigots" when they oppose his stance on amnesty for illegal aliens;

U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham has stated on many occasions that his primary concern is to "be relevant";

U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham – in the name of bipartisanship – continues to weaken the Republican brand and tarnish the ideals of freedom, rule of law, and fiscal conservatism.

It's hard to tell from the formal language of the censure resolution, but I'm pretty sure that "being relevant" part is what's most upsetting for the South Carolina GOP.

Relevance does seem to be the opposite of everything they stand for these days.

Things are happening!

Turns out the Republicans have a four percentage point advantage — quite a different result from when Democrats were leading by six points back in July. The margin of error is plus or minus four percentage points, however, so Democrats might be rightfully tempted to dismiss that result.

What they can't ignore, though, is what Gallup found about the GOP's lead among independents. Among that segment of the population, Republicans lead on the generic ballot by a fairly stunning 22 points, up from just one point in July.

What?! 22 points?! Really? Wow! America is speaking! And it really, really prefers loud obstructionist politics to flaccid defeatist politics. By a lot!

Well, I guess if you've got to choose one…

All she has to do now is secure the Republican nomination, and here's where the story gets symbolic…

Fiorina, considered to be a moderate Republican with little history on social issues, will face off against conservative California Assemblyman Chuck DeVore for the GOP nomination.

The Fiorina-DeVore matchup has all the makings of another Republican battle between the conservative wing of the party and national leaders seeking for the most electable candidate. [...] A string of conservative bloggers have already lined up behind DeVore, and South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint said Tuesday he was backing the assemblyman.

So which will it be, California Republicans? The ineffective lady whose printers never work or the DeMint-ed DeVore? Only time will tell, but either way, it'll have nothing to do with the shallowness of the GOP's leadership pool and everything to do with Barack Obama's first year in office.

So, what else is new?

Donate my face?! Why? So you can stick it up on that campaign bus along all the other people whom you've tricked into surrendering their corporeal form to you? So that my soul can wander aimlessly and distressed for all time?

For the last time, I'm not joining the Young Republicans!

(via Gotcha Media)