Now that the America's several-month-long honeymoon sexual intercourse session with Barack Obama is finally over and it's quietly weeping with the sheets pulled up under its chin while Obama watches basketball and clips his toenails in the other room, let's all grab some some keepsakes to remember this very special moment in our relationship with the President…

Stop the world! I wanna get a gun and shoot myself in the face…

A poll released Tuesday from Public Policy Polling shows just 24 percent of Republicans in North Carolina believe that President Obama was born in the United States, despite all evidence that he was indeed born in Hawaii. When factoring in both Democrat and Independent voters, that figure increases, but only to 54 percent.

That's not all. (I gonna need some extra grande-sized bullets)…

Of those who voted for McCain in North Carolina, only 89 percent agreed that Hawaii is part of the United States.

I don't know if you remember this — because it might not be true in your version of reality — but there used to be these things called "facts." And you could interpret them how you liked and form your own opinions about what those facts meant for the world, but you pretty much just accepted that the facts were real.

That's not the case anymore, obviously. Now, the word "fact" isn't really anything more than another synonym for the word "opinion." Completely interchangeable. You have your facts about where the president was born, who destroyed the World Trade Center and how old the Earth is, and I have mine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a face to shoot.

Are you people still thinking up your birthday greetings for the president? Well, you'd better get typing, because Chuck Norris already beat you to the punch! (Get it??)

Chuck's message isn't quite as sexy as Marilyn cooing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to JFK, but it is a whole lot more red-blooded Americanier…

Dear Mr. President:

First, happy birthday. I do hope Aug. 4 is an enjoyable day for you and your family. Coincidentally, I also will be celebrating this week the birth of someone dear to me, my beloved wife, Gena, whose birthday is on Aug. 9.

Gosh. I wonder where Chuck could be headed with this.

Mr. President, as more and more people realize that you are refusing to release your original birth certificate, further questions will fuel the fires of debate or at least hinder the embers from ever being snuffed out. Questions like, "Does it really contain the Hawaiian physician's name?" Or "Does it disclose something other than his birth place that he wishes others not to see?"

[O]n July 23 in your prime time press conference, you said that your administration was more transparent than those of previous presidencies: "I think that we have provided much greater transparency than existed prior to our administration coming in." So again I ask, why not live out that transparency promise by posting your original birth certificate and end the division and debate?

Well, I have a birthday to plan, so I better get going.

Uh-huh, Chuck, sure. You have a "birthday" to plan.

And I guess we're just supposed to take your word on that?

It's not uncommon to find comments on this site that are critical of our (my mostly) choices to make fun of Republicans more often than Democrats.

Lots of times, these come from fervent libertarians with a vested interest in lumping the cowardly, moronic Democrats in with the willfully-stupid, calculatedly-prejudiced Republicans. Other times, they're from people who just get (justifiably?) annoyed that I've let my brain get infected with so many more liberal contagions than conservative ones.

Well, in my own defense, I offer you this piece of information, which depresses me almost as much as it doesn't surprise me one little iota…

Less than half of Republicans believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States of America, a new public opinion poll finds.

Only 42 percent of Republican respondents in a Research 2000 survey, conducted for the liberal website Daily Kos, said they thought Obama was a natural born citizen; 28 percent said they did not believe Obama was born in the United States; 30 percent said they were not sure.

When information like that keeps popping up in your Google Reader everyday, how is it even possible to be "fair" or "even-handed" or "not overtly ridiculing" to one whole side of the political spectrum?

This is what happens when a political party spends years and years and years carefully cultivating a loyal following based upon simplicity, ignorance and fear. It gets a simple-minded, ignorant and fearful base.

World, the GOP is right in the middle of one of the most spectacular implosion displays ever. How can you not appreciate this?

When Congress is not busy squandering your children's future on Socialist porkulus bills, it is busy passing harmless legislation to "recognize" things, like firefighters and Cinco de Mayo and other nouns that normal people are capable of "recognizing" without floor debate.

And yesterday Rep. Neil Abercrombie (D-Hawaii) introduced one of these decorative resolutions, a little ditty entitled "Recognizing and celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the entry of Hawaii into the Union as the 50th State," because (now you know!) Hawaii celebrates its fiftieth anniversary in August. Yawn, motion passed, let's adjourn for dinner?

Not so fast…

[I]n this case, the implications of the resolution are much further reaching. That's because, as part of the 456-word resolution, Abercrombie is including the following line: "Whereas the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was born in Hawaii…"

Then the House passed this thing, 378-0! Which means… which means… well, which means Lou Dobbs's head is going to explode.

Unless, wait just a minute.

Has anyone actually seen Hawaii's certificate of statehood?

So, for all you people who still doubt that Barack Obama was born in some other country, on some other planet, in some other dimension of time-space, here's a question for you:

If it's such a ridiculous, moronic, imbecilic allegation, then why is the White House Press Secretary denying it?!

QUESTION: Is there anything you can say that will make the birthers go away?

GIBBS: No.

QUESTION: Do you want to try?

GIBBS: I mean, the God's honest truth is no. I mean, let's understand this. And I almost hate to indulge in such an august setting as the White House — and I mean this in seriousness — the White House briefing room discussing the made-up fictional nonsense of whether or not the president was born in this country.

A year-and-a-half ago, I asked that the birth certificate be put on the Internet, because Lord knows, if you've got a birth certificate and you put it on the Internet, what else could be the story?

Here's the deal, Bill. If I had some DNA, it wouldn't assuage those that don't believe he was born here.

But I have news for them and for all of us: The president was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, the 50th state of the greatest country on the face of the Earth. He's a citizen.

You see?! If you pay very close attention to Robert Gibbs's words, you'll notice that he says "He's a citizen," and not "He's absolutely definitely 100 percent a citizen." Aha!

Think you can evade the question with some clever tap-dancing answering of the question? Not on my watch!

I demand to see Barack Obama's mother's uterus!