Not to math up the joint or anything, but let's take a quick review of how that $700 billion bailout (aka TARP, the troubled asset relief program with a heart of gold) is going…

* $700 billion is equivalent to a gazillion dollars. This has been divided into two installments. The first installment of approximately $350 billion has already been put to work.

* $250 billion was set aside for the banks, because they're banks.

* $40 billion for AIG, because if they went down they'd take everyone else down with them.

* An extra $20 billion for Citigroup, so it can invest in potholes.

Now it looks like Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson will ask for the second installment of $350 billion, perhaps as early as next week, to minimize time for political wrangling…

While Mr. Paulson wants to steer more funds to financial institutions, Congress has its own ideas, including aid for the auto industry and troubled homeowners — two ideas Mr. Paulson has resisted.

Lawmakers are also unhappy with a new Government Accountability Office report that says TARP lacks regulation and oversight, which means the banks are doing (TBD) with their rescue funds. Oh yeah, and TARP lacks staff to operate the bailout…

The problems are due in part to the rapid implementation of TARP and a lack of staff for the program. The report said about 48 employees had been assigned to TARP as of Nov. 21, only a quarter of the 200 full-time employees the GAO said may be needed to properly implement rescue efforts.

Yikes! Treasury needs to find 150 number-crunching types who aren't hung up on compliance nonsense, stat.

I hear there are some investment bankers looking for work these days.

In normal times the Federal Reserve responds to crises by using teeny, gold-plated hydraulic levers to raise and lower interest rates. As you may have noticed, a) they already did that, twice, in October, and b) it's still not 'normal times,' unless you've been cryogenically frozen since the 1930s.

What's a central bank to do now? Well, hell, why not just print up more money, wrap it in cute acronyms and throw it out there…

The central bank announced what it called a term asset-backed securities loan facility, a plan under which it will lend up to $200 billion to support the issuance of debt backed by consumer and small-business debt — such as credit-card loans, student debt, auto loans and loans backed by the Small Business Administration.

Because this term asset-backed securities loan facility is crashing into your garage, where it will play wacky pranks and eat your cats, the Fed has dubbed it TALF. Not to be confused with TARP — that was the first one, the famous $700 billion troubled asset relief program that John McCain financed with the sale of his five largest homes. TARP is seeding TALF with about $20 billion (one of John McCain's sheds).

And let's not forget the poor mortgage giants at the heart of this problem, Fannie, Freddie, Ginnie, Mickey, Minnie, and Goofie…

In addition, the Fed said that it would purchase up to $100 billion in direct debt of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and the Federal Home Loan Banks, along with up to $500 billion of mortgage-backed securities backed by Fannie, Freddie and Ginnie Mae (the government-sponsored enterprises, also known as GSEs).

The only disturbing thing about TALF is that, unlike TARP, I guess Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulson didn't need to check with Congress before announcing it?

How callous. Unemployed Americans are losing their homes, and these guys won't even allow us the joy of our national sport: blaming lawmakers for being in favor of a plan and then against it, or vice versa.

Having as hard a time as everyone else in the world at figuring out what the hell is going on with our economic crisis so that you can figure out who to blame?

New Yorker editor Ben Greenman's piece of economic musical theater (that might be the first time those three words were ever used together) might help you out. And give you something to sing while you're nailing boards up on your shanty's windows…

HENRY PAULSON:
Come now, travel with me
Back to 2001
Remember the big boom?
That was an awful lot of fun
Alan Greenspan warned
About the bursting bubble
He lowered all the interest rates
To try to forestall trouble
That led in turn to a big run
On purchases of real estate
Offset falling stock prices
With property? It all seemed great
But then the subprime borrowers
Started to default
And our proud economy
Began to grind to a halt

The DOLLAR BILL snores.

CREDIT CARD:
What the hell?
The dollar's snoring

DOLLAR:
Sorry, guys
This movie's boring

Read the whole thing.

Here's a screen grab one of our friends took of Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke emergency hearing to the Senate Banking Committee this afternoon…

Kinda says it all, doesn't it?

* Goddamit! I hardley wrote anithing yestarday, and I had too go and speel "Fundementals" incorectly. I suke.