When you woke up this morning, you might have thought this could be the day you see Howard Dean name-drop Digg.

Certainly you may have wondered if this would possibly be the day he shouts out Boing Boing or Videogum or Nah Right.

But I'll bet dollars to donuts, you didn't guess you'd hear Howard Dean utter the words "Street Boners and TV Carnage" today. I always thought that would happen on a Tuesday.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Wait, didn't Daschle work as a lobbyist after getting booted from the Senate?

Although not a registered lobbyist, he provides "strategic advice" to commercial clients in the fields of health care, energy, telecommunications and taxes, according to public documents. His wife, Linda Hall Daschle, is registered, and she is regarded as one of the most influential professional lobbyists in the capital.

Oh, his wife's the lobbyist. He just plays Stratego. No problem!

Speaking of botched health care plans, Hillary Clinton continues to play the "will she, won't she" game on the Secretary of State front. Even as President Clinton is going through some heavy vetting to clear the way for an appointment, Senator Clinton can't decide whether she wants the job…

"A lot of the speculation and reporting is out ahead of the facts here," said the person, who requested anonymity. "She is still weighing this, independent of President Clinton's work."

Is it because she doesn't want to be associated with a place called Foggy Bottom?

The exciting part of this otherwise incredibly boring cabinet appointment is that we can continue to play everyone's favorite game, What Will Dean Do? After failing miserably at his 50 state strategy (Obama only won 29), Chairman Dean is looking for a new job. What should Dean Do Next? Aside from start that Fugazi cover band.

He embarked on a "50-State Strategy" of spreading party resources across the country, not just in swing states, which many observers credit for the Democrats' gains in places like Indiana and North Carolina.  And he publicly challenged RNC chair Mike Duncan to a duel.

But now he has announced that his time as DNC chair is done…

Mr. Dean’s decision not to seek a second term had been expected after Senator Barack Obama’s victory in the presidential election last week. New presidents typically install their own party leaders.

Advisers said Mr. Dean had little interest in being party chairman with a Democrat in the White House; historically, the power and visibility of the post is substantially diminished when a party member holds the presidency. Mr. Dean also had long said he would not stay in the position even if Mr. Obama had lost.

Mr. Dean is being mentioned in Washington circles as a potential member of Mr. Obama’s cabinet, perhaps as secretary of health and human services. He is a physician, and as governor of Vermont he undertook a huge effort to expand the state’s health care coverage.

Dean may be gunning for a cabinet post, but my guess is that he's eager to head back to Vermont, roll up his sleeves, and do some good old-fashioned shrieking.

Meanwhile, the DNC will be looking for a new chairperson.  Possible choices to fill Dean's shoes include…

* Congressman Jim McDermott (also a medical doctor)

* Senator John Kerry (also a failed presidential candidate desperate for a new purpose in life)

* CNBC's Jim Cramer (also famous for enraged screaming fits)

Any more suggestions out there?

And Matthews won't let him pull it out.

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Times went even further in an article printed this morning claiming that some white voters even like the fact that Obama is a member of a racial minority, and have been inspired to vote for him because of it!

These mainstream newspapers shouldn't be so surprised. After all, we've known for weeks that literally dozens of white people all across the country have announced that they will vote for Obama, including…

* Joe Biden
* Howard Dean
* Rosie O'Donnell
* Colin Powell
* Bill Ayers
* Obama's grandmother
* Karl Marx

The rest of the newspaper's investigations were much less surprising. In keeping with the status quo, their polls found that absolutely no senior citizens, veterans, or real Americans planned to vote for Obama.

The GOP is chiding Dean for referring to them as "the white party" in an NPR interview last week, after which he stopped himself and laughed at his gaffe…

"Our party has been a no-majority party for a long time. The fact is that the Democratic Party is made up of lots of different people," Dean said. "If you look at folks of color, even women, they're more successful in the Democratic Party than they are in the white — excuse me — in the Republican Party." Dean laughed as he stumbled over the correction.

Unfortunately for the GOP, their time-honored tradition of upbraiding Howard Dean (now four years and running) is eclipsed by an even longer tradition of sending no black Republicans to Congress, which now stands at 5 years, 229 days.

That said, Howard Dean is an obvious racist who refuses to acknowledge the "big tent" that Rush Limbaugh, Trent Lott and George Allen are pitching on the Twin Cities' front lawn next month.

I mean hasn't he heard that Cowboy Troy will be playing the convention?

Okay then. That settles that. If a Democrat ever in the history of ever said a nice thing about John McCain while sitting in front of a television camera, then they must be supporting John McCain's campaign for president.

Even Barack Obama.

Too bad that it would be completely impossible for somebody to string together sixty seconds of similar clips about Republicans speaking well of Barack Obama.

Tick, tick, tick, tick…

John McCain implicitly compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton in his latest attack ad. But is that really a fair comparison? We thought long and hard about Paris Hilton's…qualities…to see if any of them really match up with Obama's, or those of any other politician. And here's what we came up with:

Statuesque blonde Joe Lieberman	Promiscuous Larry Craig	Relentlessly self-promoting Barack Obama
Attempted acting Fred Thompson	Wears too much makeup Chris Dodd	Attempted singing Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, Larry Craig, Jim Jeffords
Won the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award for "Best Scream" Howard Dean	Spent time as a prisoner John McCain	Dog wrote a memoir George W. Bush

Breaking the mold of traditional political Conventions, the Democratic National Convention Committee (DNCC) today announced that Senator Barack Obama will accept the Democratic nomination for President of the United States at Denver's INVESCO Field at Mile High.

INVESCO Field can accommodate more than 75,000 people and will be the site of the 2008 Democratic Convention’s final day of programming on Thursday, August 28, 2008.

"The Democratic Party is nominating a true change candidate this August, and it is only fitting that we make some big changes in how we put on the Convention," said Governor Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC).

"Senator Obama's candidacy has generated an enormous amount of excitement and interest, not only in the Democratic Party but also in the 2008 Convention. By bringing the last night of the Convention out to the people, we will be able to showcase Barack Obama's positive, people-centered vision for our country in a big way."

Man! Used to be you could catch one of your favorite politicians at a small venue while they were touring across country sleeping on friends' couches. Those were the days; you could just chill out with a beer in the back of the place and maybe even talk to girl or something.

Now, it's all corporate and shit in places with names like INVESCO Field. You gotta circle the place for hours looking for parking and then fight your way through a bunch of assholes who only started liking the politician after they appeared on MTV's Choose or Lose. The beers taste like shit and cost $7. And then there's always a group of assholes in white hats who ate shrooms screaming the words to the speeches at the tops of their lungs right behind you.

This is why I stopped going to political rallies after college.