It has been of dismay for all of us here at Indecision 2008 to finally come terms with a simple fact about this current presidential race: Each and every one of the three media darling candidates has, in the course of campaigning, proven themselves to be completely unworthy of the office of which they seek.

Barack Obama lacks experience and has shown us time and again that he is utterly incapable of answering a telephone after 2:30 or so a.m. Also, he's friends with a guy who says mean things about America sometimes, and we don't like that.

Hillary Clinton has outed herself as a liar — and not just any kind of liar, but one who isn't smart enough to not lie about things that television crews have caught on videotape. And we think her husband is kind of a douche these days.

And John McCain is old and he has a weird unsightly growth on the side of his face. What the hell is up with that thing? It's weird.

For these reasons, and many more, we are proud to announce — on this glorious day of April something or other — that the Indecision 2008 web team has decided to endorse — excitedly and unequivocally and super-excitedly — the presidential candidacy of one Mr. Alan Lee Keyes, ambassador, author, humanitarian, talk show host, friend.

What brought us around? Well, lets just say that we learned a thing or two about Mr. Keyes…

Did you know that if you had a puppy, and you were running late on your way home from work, Alan Keyes would feed your puppy for you, assuming you had given him a spare set of house keys?

Did you know that Alan Keyes is an anagram for "a snaky eel"?

Did you know that Alan Keyes loves you almost as much as you love America? Which is almost as much as Alan Keyes loves America.

Did you know that Alan Keyes is magnanimous, munificent, chivalrous, benevolent and unselfish? Or that he's always willing to lend out his thesaurus?

Did you know that Alan Keyes is a very generous employer and is willing to take untrained, inexperienced web writers onto his campaign's PR staff?

Did you know that Alan Keyes is an anagram for "alaen keys"?

By the way, please feel free to write us with any Alan Keyes related news that you should come across. And we mean any. You might think it's unimportant, but, believe me, we will feel otherwise.

I mean, we're going to be writing a lot of stories about Alan Keyes in the upcoming months. And, uh… there's not a lot out there. No. But, um, we'll figure it out.

The opinions and ideas expressed herein are those of the indecision2008 editorial board and do not represent those of Comedy Partners, its parent company, and/or its affiliates or any of the foregoing's agents, employees, or assigns.

What do you think?

Those Republicans really messed up when they nominated a doddering old Washington insider like McCain, didn't they? Talk about being out of touch. Luckily for all of us, the man who should have been nominated is proving his hard and fast steady steadfastivity and isn't giving up that easily…

Alan Keyes has decided to keep his campaign going as well. He has said that he will be leaving the Republican Party to join the Constitution Party and seek their nomination. Keyes made his best showing in the Republican primaries this year with 1.5% of the vote in the Kansas caucus…

Serves the Republican Party right! If those lumbering elephants weren't smart enough to recognize the spectacular political intellect they had just under their noses (er, trunks, I guess), then they don't deserve to have such a charismatic and effervescent candidate as Alan Lee Keyes as their nominee. They'll be disappointed come November.

Let's face it, when you're as popular and talented as Alan Keyes, you can pretty much write your own ticket; whatever party you join is pretty much ensured to win the White House. So, what about the Constitution Party? The real question is if they deserve a Keyes nomination…

The Constitution Party is strongly anti-war, while Keyes has been a major advocate of U.S. involvement in Iraq and elsewhere. Keyes was also an ambassador to the UN during the Reagan administration, while the Constitution Party wants to pull America out of the organization.

Sure, they're anti-war now. But what will tune will they be playing once Keyes lays on the charm and dishes out his singular powers of persuasion?

I'm betting that pretty soon the Constitution Party will quickly become the Con-Anti-War-Stitution Party, if you know what I mean.

What do you think?

This is going to be tough one to decide!

What do you think?

One loyal Missourian isn't just content to lend Alan Keyes his vote, faith, trust and several thousand dollars from his bank account. Matthew Harder of West Plains decided that the only way to ensure a Keyes victory in November was to get off his rump and build… a billboard!

Says the patriotic young patriot himself…

The initial idea for creating an Alan Keyes billboard actually originated back during the Keyes 2000 campaign. I had a lot along a busy highway north of West Plains, MO, and had learned about Alan through one of his most enthusiastic supporters — my Dad.

I could not believe what I was hearing from this "politician" himself. Each time I heard him speak, I was more impressed than the time before.

I wanted to be able to do something to help get his name out so that everybody could hear the truth so boldly proclaimed! The circumstances screamed for a billboard. Much to my disappointment, by the time I was approved, permitted, and had finished construction of the billboard, Bush was already "it."

The billboard was ingeniously made from a mobile home frame that Harder had acquired by trading a pig, and was funded in part by his mother — another fine patriot she — who sent Harder a check and a note reading "Pay to get'er done, kid!"

And get-er done, he did. The billboard is now on display on the oft-traveled Missouri highway where hundreds — if not millions — of people can read its elegantly simple message of peace and prosperity: "Alan Keyes For President: www.alankeyes.com."

And what does this genuine patriot and Christian soldier expect in return for his hard work and invaluable campaigning tool?

Some day, after Alan has served out his second term in office and has a little more leisure time, I'm going to ask him to make it up to me…we're going to sit down with a good cup of coffee and visit.

Something tells me, sometime in early 2017, Matthew Harder just might get to collect on that.

What are you doing to get Alan Keyes elected?

What do you think?

We really can't believe this is true. It seems…impossible. But someone just infiltrated our bunker and told us that there are people out there who still aren't supporting Alan Keyes. The only explanation for this is that they haven't felt him yet.

So, in the spirit of true interactivity, InKeyescision proudly presents The Hand of Keyes.

Go ahead, touch it. Put your hand on his. Feel him. That's right. Yeah. Let it in. Let it wash everything else away. Feel the clarity. Feel the sweet, sweet relief.

Everything will be so much easier now.

What do you think?

The American candidate gives us the definitive version of the definitive American song…

Who among the candidates can lift America's soul with honeyed words and haunting melodies quite like Alan?

Not this guy, that's for sure…

What do you think?