Everyone be quiet! Quiet! Some guy who claims to represent the magic man who lives in the sky has something very important to say about some other people who claim to represent some other magic man who lives in the sky…

A chief spokesman for the pro-life, far-right organization, American Family Association, has called for the purging of Muslim soldiers from military ranks in the wake of the tragic killings at Fort Hood.

Really? Really?! This comes as a huge shock to me, given how much these Christian right groups have time and time again shown how much respect they have for equality, civil liberties and Constitutional ideals.

But, hey hey hey hey! Don't walk away under the impression that the AFA or its Director of Issues Analysis Bryan Fischer thinks that every single Muslim (technical) citizen of the United States is just bursting at the chance to kill a real (white) American…

"Of course, most U.S. Muslims don't shoot up their fellow soldiers. Fine."

See? Totally open-minded.

"As soon as Muslims give us a foolproof way to identify their jihadis from their moderates, we'll go back to allowing them to serve."

Thanks, Christians! How Christ-like you are.

"You tell us who the ones are that we have to worry about, prove you're right, and Muslims can once again serve. Until that day comes, we simply cannot afford the risk. You invent a jihadi-detector that works every time it's used, and we'll welcome you back with open arms."

"This is not Islamophobia, it is Islamo-realism."

I can't even Islamo-bring myself to Islamo-give an Islamo-real response to Islamo-this.

It's just way too Christ-arded.

Four House Republicans woke up yesterday and said to themselves, "You know what's wrong with America? There might be a Muslim in the next room right now." Remarkably, this thought coincided with the publication of Muslim Mafia: Inside the Secret Underworld That's Conspiring to Islamize America, an "explosive" book for which a House Republican — North Carolina's Sue Myrick — wrote the forward. See where this is going?

Yep, these footsoldiers in the war on terror have called for investigations into the Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR), because it's got Muslims palling around with Americans and vice versa all the time, and in professional circles, that's known as spying…

[Reps. Sue Myrick of North Carolina, Trent Franks of Arizona, Paul Broun of Georgia and John Shadegg of Arizona] on Wednesday accused the nation's largest Muslim advocacy group of trying to "infiltrate" Capitol Hill by placing interns in the offices of lawmakers who handle national security issues.

Exactly as it's written in Muslim Mafia, the result of an "explosive" undercover investigation: the author's son grew a beard, got an internship with CAIR and stole a bunch of their paperwork. That's one intern spy right there! There must be more, and they must be up to something…

While the Republicans said they did not know of specific legislation that CAIR had affected, Franks, a Judiciary Committee member, said he wouldn’t be surprised if it was trying to amend the Patriot Act.

Oh no, that wouldn't be surprising at all.

The real shocker would be if it turns out interns are actually capable of affecting legislation.

Gay marriage: is it really about gay people getting married? That's what they (the gays) want you to believe, but there's more here than meets the eye. Gay marriage, which masquerades as "gay marriage," is in fact a stealthy step toward another, more terrible destination.

No, not Elton John-themed honeymoon cruises. More terrible. Yes: SOCIALISM.

It's true, says Rep. Steve King…

King told a conservative news radio program: "If there's a push for a socialist society where the foundations of individual rights and liberties are undermined and everybody is thrown together living collectively off one pot of resources earned by everyone, this is one of the goals they have to go to, same sex marriage, because it has to plow through marriage in order to get to their goal. They want public affirmation, they want access to public funds and resources."

Think about it. It's like how dentistry is just a few steps away from facism*. Rep. King is just the guy to sound this important alarm, because he is from the gay-marrying state of Iowa, so he knows whereof he speaks…

"I said that if this is allowed to happen, Iowa would become the Mecca for same sex marriage, and that has begun to happen," King said.

Oh my God, it's even worse than I thought! After everyone gets forced into gay marriages, we'll be forcibly converted to Islam, and then the Socialist takeover happens.

And then, I guess, we'll just give up and start praying for God Allah to put us out of our misery.

^{* Dentists are licensed by "state boards." Need I say more?}

Or should I say OMAllah? Because look at this:

President Barack Obama will host a dinner at the White House this evening celebrating Ramadan, the final month of the Muslim lunar calendar in which observants fast from dawn until sunset each day.

Obama, who is Christian, has attempted to recognize the contributions of all religions with personal gestures such as the dinners – he also traveled to Cairo in June to address the Muslim world with an appeal for understanding.

See that? Right there in black and boldface! It's all Muslim all the time with this guy, who is known to be probably a Muslim. I find this noteworthy. Anyone else find this noteworthy?

[The event is a] noteworthy update to President Obama's light schedule this week, considering the rumors about his religion that lingered throughout the 2008 campaign.

Muslim rumors, you mean — noted! Noted also, if you dig through the internet for information about this Muslim holiday and the White House, you find some equally noteworthy presidential comments, like this:

Ramadan commemorates the revelation of the Qur'an to Muhammed. By teaching the importance of compassion, justice, mercy, and peace, the Qur'an has guided many millions of believers across the centuries.

Americans who practice the Islamic faith enrich our society and help our Nation build a better future.

Laura joins me in sending our best wishes.

Verrrrry suspicious, indeed. "Laura" must be Michelle Obama's secret Muslim name.

This Sudanese woman is about three billion times more brave than I could ever hope to be…

Lubna Ahmed Hussein, a Sudanese journalist who also works in the media department of the UN Mission in Sudan, was arrested along with 13 other women at a popular cafe for wearing "indecent clothes."… She was wearing "trousers" and now faces flogging — 40 lashes. She and two other women asked for a lawyer. The other women (some non-Muslim) weren't so lucky: they received 10 lashes and a fine.

Arrested July 3 and now standing trial (in the same trousers that got her arrested!), Lubna claims she did nothing wrong under the strict Sharia or Islamic religious law, which has been in place in Sudan since 1989. She has immunity due to her association with the UN, but Lubna has decided to waive this in order to challenge the law.

Oh, I wasn't even talking about the pants. I mean that scarf! Olive green paisley? Excuse me, Lubna Ahmed Hussein, but mid-to-late 2005 called, and they want their '70s retro back. (This Imam over here knows what I'm talking about.)

Heh…

But serious, balls of steel. (Or ovaries of steel, or whatever.) Imagine if we had journalists with those kinds of principles over here? Just think of all the crazy shit they would do. Like reporting the news.

New rules for all of you Mujahideen soldiers out there fighting for your own local branch of the Taliban franchise.

The bad news is that you're gonna have to start following orders from the head office and you're gonna have to be a little more careful about who you decide to kill.

The good news is that this is gonna do wonders for your PR!

"Suicide attacks should be used only on High and important targets. A brave son of Islam should not be used for lower and useless targets. The utmost effort should be made to avoid civilian casualties."

You're only allowed to blow yourself up with explosives to murder people who are deemed "important"? And you should probably try to not murder innocent people who just so happen to be standing nearby in the process?

Ugh! That's even more annoying than when they changed the computer log-in process so that every password was obligated to contain a number.