We have exciting news for all of you who have been on tenterhooks (whatever that means) awaiting the results of the delegate race for the Northern Mariana Islands…

Gregorio Kilili Camacho Sablan will be going to Washington!

Sablan, an Independent, squeaked out a 357-vote victory over Republican Pedro A. Tenorio in a recount election that was finally decided last week.  He intends to caucus with the Democrats.

The Northern Marianas Islands (previously best known for housing Jack Abramoff's slave-fueled sweatshops) is thrilled to be sending a delegate to Congress for the first time ever.  Now, Sablan will get to join the ranks of delegates from the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and Guam in not being able to vote on legislation.  But at least they get to watch!

The only drawback will be Sablan's commute.  A Fox News reporter caught up to him on Saturday for an exclusive interview…

I asked Sablan how one gets to Washington from the Northern Mariana Islands. He took a four-hour flight from the capital of Saipan to Tokyo. Then boarded a Northwest flight to Detroit. Then hopped a direct flight to Washington.

"I've been traveling more than 24 hours," Sablan moaned.

Good luck with that one, Delegate!

Lost in the frenzy of news coming out of Alaska — namely that Ted Stevens lost and Sarah Palin is getting a better agent than Joe the Plumber– was the confirmation that the state's lone Congressman, Don Young (R), will be back for a 19th term…

The winner of the race for Alaska's sole House seat wasn't really in doubt after Election Day, when longtime incumbent Rep. Don Young led Democratic challenger Ethan Berkowitz by more than 16,000 votes.

It still took Berkowitz until Tuesday afternoon, with the counting of nearly all the outstanding ballots, to concede defeat to Republican Young…

Pollsters had counted Young out but they were wrong.

Wonder why those pollsters were so down on Don Young?

Could it have anything to do with the fact that…

* He's raised/spent over $1 million in legal fees amid charges that he's tied up with the same oil company that Ted Stevens has been feloniously porking.

* He used his jurisdiction as Alaska Congressman to steer $10 million to a fundraiser's construction project in Florida.

* If he were any more tied to Jack Abramoff, he'd own an Indian casino.

* Even the Club for Growth campaigned against him.

* He swung a walrus penis bone at the former U.S. Fish and Wildlife director.

* His wife is a tyrannical, computer-hating, pumpkin seed-devouring bitch.

The list goes on, but I should probably let the FBI conclude their investigation against Young before commenting any further.

Needless to say, if the G-Men decide to proceed with an arrest, they won't have a hard time finding Young.

Whether they come searching tomorrow, next year or in 2022, he'll be in his Capitol Hill office — right where the people of Alaska want him.

Excerpt from the appointment calendar of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) for Tuesday, November 18…

6:30: Rise at the crack of dawn.

7:30-8:00: Fall further behind in Senate race against Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich.

9:30: Get expelled from Senate Republican Caucus.

10:30-11:00: Surf the series of tubes.

The first two are no surprise. Stevens spends nearly every day fending off attacks from angry interest groups like the Democratic Party and the Sun.

It's Stevens' 9:30 appointment that's so troubling, because this time it's his own party that's after him…

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) has been very public about his proposal to ask Senate Republicans, at a 9:30 meeting Tuesday morning, to formally vote on expelling Stevens from the Republican Conference, which would strip Stevens of all his committee seats, take away his seniority and essentially leave him without a party. Stevens would still be a senator, of course, but this conference expulsion would send a strong signal that expulsion from the Senate itself is a likely next step.

The good news for Stevens is that Senators' votes are a lot like juries' verdicts: They don't count the first time, at least not in the case of Stevens.

But what does it say when the party of Bob Ney, "Duke" Cunningham, Tom DeLay, Jim Gibbons, Vito Fossella and yes, Jack Abramoff believes that you're too corrupt to remain a member?

The only thing that could make this worse for Stevens would be John McCain chiming in that he's also too old.

Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL) has been named repeatedly on a non-partisan list of the most corrupt Members of Congress, been caught deceitfully meddling in the opposite party's primary, and was accused of trying to rig the 2000 election and bribing people to play along. So how does he handle this firestorm of accusations with just one month remaining until Election Day?

Answer: He apologizes for an unrelated transgression — one he committed five years ago…

In an unusual campaign move, U.S. Rep. Tom Feeney will use a new television ad to apologize for his role in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal.

Set to air Tuesday, the 30-second spot features Feeney alone at a kitchen telling viewers that he made a "rookie mistake" by taking a 2003 golfing trip to Scotland that was paid for Abramoff, whom he calls a corrupt lobbyist.

"I embarrassed myself, I embarrassed you and for that, I'm very sorry," said Feeney, holding a black coffee mug as soft music plays in the background.

As you can see from the video below, Feeney will eventually have to issue a follow-up apology to beg forgiveness for the cheesy New Age music he chose to underscore this, his initial apology.

But given the current length of his remorse cycle, that video will not be issued until 2013.

Even if they can't hold on to the White House, Republicans in Washington should take heart that one of their own has just received a brand new four-year term. Jack Abramoff, the power lobbyist who bilked Indian tribes and protected sweatshop lords alongside roach exterminator Tom DeLay, is the proud recipient of a brand new jail sentence for his slimy orchestration of a casino lobbying scandal…

Abramoff is already serving a nearly six-year term on unrelated charges and the new sentence will be served at the same time, meaning he will not spend any extra time behind bars once his original sentence ends in 2012.

But Abramoff will serve at least four more years in prison, even if his lawyers are successful in getting a reduction in his first sentence on charges of fraud in the purchase of a Florida casino cruise line. When his terms expire, he will have spent nearly six years in prison.

Since he won't be leaving jail until Joe Lieberman is the Republican nominee for president, Abramoff ought to put his lobbying skills to use in his new home. To parallel his old life, he could negotiate a Sunday-night pinochle monopoly for his cellblock and pay off the warden with a kickball junket to the exercise yard.

And when he's done with that, he can make up a bed for DeLay.

Lock your doors!

I have no idea how I missed this one, but it turns out that last Friday, former Congressman Bob Ney was released from federal prison. The Ohio Republican served 17 and a half months on felony corruption charges stemming from his illegal dealings with disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Ney remains a threat to society, and I am outraged that he is out on the streets, able to strike again. At the very least, I think that he should have certain restrictions placed upon him…

* Ney should have to register as corruption offender and knock on all his neighbors doors, informing them of his status.

* Ney should be required to visit a parole officer every week and pee in a cup to test for evidence of illegal campaign contributions in his urine.

* Ney must not be allowed within 500 yards of any place where laws are made, including high schools with active student governments.

Until then, I'll be sitting on my front porch with a loaded shotgun.