As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes desoles, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

North Carolina's Key Players

* Former Senator John Edwards: Was talked up as a potential Obama running-mate, given that Americans prefer their Democrats Southern, smooth-talking, and unfaithful to their wives.

* Former NBA star Michael Jordan, who decided to make an endorsement after it was revealed that Republicans no longer wear sneakers.

* Deceased Republican Senator Jesse Helms: His will states that if North Carolina ever votes for a black man, his body is to be exhumed and reburied in the Soviet Union.

Obama's Constituency

* Gay tobacco farmers.

* The N.C. State Wolfpack, who fear Sarah Palin's wrath.

* Liberals who "hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."

McCain's Constituency

* Proud Asheville residents who are pretty sure that one of McCain's seven homes is in their town.

* Senator Elizabeth Dole, who registered to vote in North Carolina during her two-week vacation to the state in 2006.

* Racists.

Predicted Winner: John McCain

When NASCAR speaks, North Carolina listens.

Check out more Swing State profiles here!

Aw, this is really sweet. It truly does warm the cockles of my heart to see a U.S. Senator behaving with such sensitivity and aplomb…

Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC) yesterday introduced an amendment that would have added the name of Jesse Helms to the title of the HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria bill that is before the Senate. Helms, who died eleven days ago, was the nation's most vociferous foe of federal funding for HIV/AIDS programs from the epidemic's beginning until he left the Senate.

The current title of the bill is the "Tom Lantos and Henry J. Hyde United States Global Leadership Against HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria Reauthorization Act of 2008."

If Dole's changes went into effect, I think it would be renamed something like "St. Jesse Helms Presents the Tom Lantos and Henry J. Hyde United States Global Leadership Against Tuberculosis, Malaria and Immoral Homosexual Scourge Disease," which kind of has a nice ring to it.

And you know what, if anybody deserves to be immortalized in an AIDS/HIV bill, it's Helms. Just look at his record of tireless work with homosexual issues…

Helms said that gays caused the AIDS epidemic and victimized Ryan White, threaten the survival of the American family, are in a battle against American values, and have the ultimate aim of having the American people accept "their perverted lifestyle."

Since Dole's proposition is almost certain to be laughed out of existence, maybe the legacy of Helms — who succumbed to multi-infarct dementia and was carried up to Heaven on wings of angels earlier this month — can be immortalized in some other way.

L.F. Eason III is a guy who hates America — and all the racism, bigotry and oppression for which it stood for so many years — so much that chose to quit his government job rather then pay homage to one of the greatest senators the Dixiecrats ever provided…

Eason, a 29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture, instructed his staff at a small Raleigh lab not to fly the U.S. or North Carolina flags at half-staff Monday, as called for in a directive to all state agencies by Gov. Mike Easley.

When a superior ordered the lab to follow the directive, Eason decided to retire rather than pay tribute to [Jesse] Helms. After several hours' delay, one of Eason's employees hung the flags at half-staff…

He told his staff that he did not think it was appropriate to honor Helms because of his "doctrine of negativity, hate, and prejudice" and his opposition to civil rights bills and the federal Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

You forgot gay-hating.

Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

Dead and Bloated! Sons and daughters of the Confederacy, the final curtain has fallen on the minstrel show that was the life of Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC)! Before he died last Friday, the fiery Southerner was a legend of social conservatism and race-baiting, wielding great power from the Senate seat he won by making fun of his opponent's name in 1972.

It would be too difficult to sum up Helms in just one word — Roget's Thesaurus alone lists eight synonyms for "bigot" — so instead let's look back at highlights from Helms' life and career:

* Practiced nonviolent resistance as an advocate for immigrants' rights in South Africa.

* Staged public fasts to protest political injustice.

* Chaired the Indian National Congress, urging acts of civil disobedience as means of gaining freedom from Britain.

Oh wait. Those were highlights from Gandhi's life and career! Here are Helms':

* Said of Civil Rights protests: "The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights."

* Forged personal alliances with Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet and Salvadoran death squad leader Roberto D'Aubuisson.

* Tried repeatedly to abolish the National Endowment for the Arts.

* Attempted to make African-American Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL) cry by singing "Dixie" repeatedly while in an elevator with her.

* Led a failed filibuster against the establishment of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

* Announced in 1994 that if then-President Bill Clinton were to visit North Carolina, "He better have a bodyguard."

The Wall Street Journal declared "Jesse Helms himself was no racist," in their tearful eulogy last Saturday, which was the equivalent of Playboy magazine claiming Wilt Chamberlain was a virgin. Still, the Pages will miss Helms' presence in the U.S. Capitol, cruising the halls in a motorized wheelchair, scowling at the doodles and Chinamen along the way.

Related:
Barack Obama Vs. John McCain on the Race Track
(Duncan) Hunter and Gatherer
Blo & Go, That Is the Tempo

Conservative Senator Jesse Helms from North Carolina passed away at 1:15 am in Raleigh NC today at age 86 according to the Jesse Helms Research Center.

No details surrounding his death have been released.  The Senator announced in 2001 that he would not seek a sixth term in 2002 [Watch the Daily Show's coverage of Helms' announcement].

As a tribute, here is a Moment of Zen from 2001 featuring the late Senator Helms.

UPDATE: The New York Times reports that the Senator died of "natural causes" and was "very comfortable."