How long has it been since your computer monitor had a good punching? Why do you ask? Oh, no reason. Just wondering.

On a completely unrelated note…

"We went up against tremendous odds," Marc Mutty, public affairs director for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland who has been on loan to the campaign, said from Portland.

"We all know we were the little guy going up against the big guy, but we prevailed. We prevailed because the people of Maine — the silent majority — the folks back home spoke with their votes."

Those plucky underdogs on loan from the Catholic Church really pulled it off, didn't they? Yay, Catholics! I can't believe they somehow managed to do it with only the worldwide multi-billion dollar religious organization behind them. It's always nice when the little guy wins, isn't it? Real Revenge of the Nerds situation going on there.

And this time, Big Gay didn't know what hit it! Haha! Those stuffed shirt homosexuals wanting to protect their families and keep their basic human rights really took one on the chin for the first time ever.

(via Dan Savage)

Golly! I'm in a pickle. I like to think of myself as a thoroughly tolerant Christian man of the new millennium, but I also enjoy stripping away the rights of my fellow citizens because they're different than me.

Isn't there any way that I can be a small-minded bigot and sleep soundly in a cocoon of self-deluded rationalization?

Yes (on 1) there is, as a matter of fact (according to this group of Conservative Christians)!

Oh, so what you're saying is I can do or think whatever horrible thing I like, just so long as I pretend like I'm doing it in the service of some vague, imaginary ideal? It's what Jesus died on the cross at Normandy for.

Yay, whatever this thing is that I've decided is not bigotry!

Hey, everyone. I'm just getting re-settled after a week's vacation. (Have they announced winner of the Nobel Peace Prize? Sorry, I know that's totally boring stuff that nobody ever cares about, but I was just wondering.)

So, do you know what I was thinking about a lot during my time away from the blog? Yep, you guessed it: Jesus. And also America. And how lucky we all are that a Bedouin carpenter who was born two millenia ago founded this great nation for us all and presented us with His Holy Constitution of the Lamb's Blood (or whatever it's called).

And that got me wondering if there were maybe any hyper-didactic artworks showcasing that great moment of creation that I could hang above the alter I keep above my desk. And wouldn't you know it, but this dropped just last week…

Jon McNaughton — the creator of this masterpiece, which, as of press time, has not yet replaced the Mona Lisa in Louvre — obviously went to great trouble to cram every single square-inch of this painting with symbolism that's even more deep than the poetry my sister used to write in junior high.

For example, you see that guy on the bottom-left, holding the cell phone? That's a "Politician," and he "has his patriotic tie and American flag lapel pin, but he's more concerned about his own political ambitions than what is in the best interest of the country." Because obviously, that politician guy should really spend less time talking on his cell phone and more time groveling in self-pity like the Supreme Court Justice right near him. (I mean, what do we even elect these clowns for? Am I right?)

And, by the way, I know what you're thinking: This invented-out-of-whole-cloth image of America is all well and good for all the decent Christians out there who are looking forward to the impending American theocracy. But what about the dozen or so people who think that maybe there's something to this whole "seperation of church and state" thing?

Don't worry. The Internet's got you covered…

Read more »

Oh boy, oh boy, the annual Values Voter Summit starts today, and as usual it is a veritable smorgasbord of right-wing catnip. (It is also, according to the site's own header, the "Value Voters Summit," so I assume there are separate events for anyone who's interested in saving $$$ at Costco?)

If you can't make it to D.C. to rub elbows with the heavyweights of the conservative movement — Mike Huckabee, Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin (above, with his running mate) — have a taste of what you're missing…

* "Thugocracy: Fighting the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy"

* "Defunding Planned Parenthood"

* "Speechless: Silencing the Christians"

* "Obamacare: Rationing Your Life Away"

Yeah, those all sound pretty good. That schedule's nice and values-y. But where's the workshop for those of us who believe that global warming is nothing but a hoax perpetrated by evildoers whose only goal is to murder everyone on the planet?

* "Global Warming Hysteria: The New Face of the 'Pro-Death' Agenda"

Ahh, there it is. Phew.

I was getting worried for a minute there.

* One in twelve New Jerseyans even dumber than you think they are.

* I'll bet I could spend all 24,000,000,000 hours of the day reading through the #michellemalkinmath hashtag on Twitter.

* Orly Taitz is just like an honorable version of Nelson Mandela.

* Is Bill O'Reilly endorsing socialism?

* Consider Philadelphia's two biggest issues — money and cheesesteaks — solved! Thanks, Dr. Phil!

Don't you just hate it when you go out for a nice steak dinner with your teammates, you have a few too many soda pops, things get a little hazy and then — BAM! — you wake up bathed in the Blood of the Lamb? Ugh! I can't even count how many times that's happened to me…

My favorite part is the reverend's brilliant rationalization for how he and the football coach aren't guilty of date-baptizing a bunch of teenage boys…

"The twist is that a coach brought a bunch of guys here to get them baptized. And there's no truth in that at all. The coach brought a bunch of guys here to be encouraged that night, and out of the process of that, God called a bunch of people to have a relationship with them."

You see? It wasn't the coach at all? He just happened to bring the kids to a church where God happened to be hiding behind a door with a cooking oil and a Bible. It all happened so fast, no one even got a good look at Him. He maybe had a white beard and flowing robe, but, then again, He might have been all blue and had six arms.

That's why I don't go anywhere — anywhere! — without a baptism whistle around my neck. God got me once when I was too young to defend myself, and I spent the next two decades dealing with the psychological trauma. I'll never let that happen to me again.