Jim Gilmore
November 24 at 10:41AM
 Presidential elections in our country tend to put greater emphasis on church attendance than, say, international nuclear proliferation. And this year was no exception, with pastors like Jeremiah Wright and John Hagee getting far more press exposure than actual presidential candidates like Tom Vilsack and Jim Gilmore.
No one knew this better than Barack Obama, whose campaign nearly collapsed under the weight of Wright's controversial sermons and God-awful JFK impersonation. The Illinois Senator felt forced to drop out of Wright's church and bounce between a number of other ones between late April and Election Day.
But now that he won, he can finally drop that whole act…
President-elect Barack Obama has yet to attend church services since winning the White House earlier this month, a departure from the example of his two immediate predecessors.
On the three Sundays since his election, Obama has instead used his free time to get in workouts at a Chicago gym.
Indeed, there are few place you're more likely to find Obama than not in church. Recall, if you will, the controversy surrounding Wright's "God damn America" sermon. Obama claims to have never heard Wright utter those words. Why?
Because he didn't attend church that day.
And where was Obama when Hagee declared that Hitler was sent by God to herd the Jews to Israel? Hypocritically playing basketball perhaps.
Come to think of it, Obama has also been neglecting his obligations to secretly attend a mosque and secretly pray toward Mecca five times per day ever since the day he was born!
What a disappointment. Doesn't Obama realize that religious zealots make by far the most entertaining presidents? The man hasn't even taken office, and already he's making Dick Cheney look like Jimmy Swaggart at a pentacostal tent revival.
November 4 at 7:18PM
 We're ready to announce the first Democratic pick-up in their charge toward a 60-vote Senate supermajority. Of course, if we'd told you 2 years ago that this path would start in the old Confederacy, you would have called us "Macaca" and encouraged a mob to taunt us.
Well, apologies to everyone from Jefferson Davis to George Allen. Mark Warner will be the next Senator from Virginia.
And apologies as well to Warner's opponent, Jim Gilmore, although we're pretty sure he stopped paying attention several months back.
May 29 at 10:34AM
Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
 What Are They Doing Now? Last week we profiled the first man to drop out of the 2008 presidential race, Tom Vilsack, and we're not gonna lie — we were a little bored, too. But with him out of the way, who remembers the second presidential contender to withdraw from the contest?
No, it wasn't Stephen Colbert; he lasted through November '07. It was — forehead smacker alert! — former Virginia Governor James S. Gilmore III! (If you can prove you knew this, you win the lieutenant governorship of your home state!)
To outsiders, Gilmore III had it all: The racial diplomacy of his predecessor George Allen, the fine art patronage of Rudy Giuliani… even the name recognition of U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR)! And yet despite these advantages, Gilmore III was out of the race by July.
But if this loser harbored any visions of lazing around the mansion all summer, he obviously hadn't consulted his wife (also named James S. Gilmore III.) Lo and behold, she has him right back out on the campaign trail where he belongs, and this time it's for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by the venerable statesman John "Mark" Warner!
Opposing Gilmore III is fellow ex-governor Mark "John" Warner, who is campaigning on a pledge to run for president within the next decade. To counter this, we expect Gilmore III to rile up the base by proposing the legalization of cloning for the exact window of time needed to do Ronald Reagan, after which it will become a felony. If only "Macaca" Allen had thought of that!
July 26 at 7:03PM
With the Emmy nominations now in, we got to thinking — don't the candidates deserve nominations, too? So, we got ourselves a red carpet (actually, it's more of an accent rug), and did some nominating of our own. Here's a breakdown of our nominees for the Candidate Emmy Awards, or Candies…
Best Actor
Close to $2 million in debt and still free-falling in the polls, John McCain gets a nod for "The Biggest Loser." He squares off against Barack Obama of "30 (Ba)Rock" and Sam Brownback for his portrayal of "The God Whisperer." Surprise nomination: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, for "Extreme Makeover: Political Party Edition."
Best Actress
The nominees are Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Hillary Clinton. Notably missing: Elizabeth Edwards for her star turn in "Desperate Housewives."
Best Comedy
The nominees are Chris Dodd's eyebrows, the entire Mike Gravel campaign, and Dennis Kucinich's recent bout with food-poisoning. (He's a vegan. That's hilarious.)
Outstanding Mini-Series
Garnering its first nomination is "According to Mitt," the eleven-part special in which Mitt Romney clarified everything from what he meant when he called himself a hunter to why his staffers like to impersonate cops. His stiffest competition comes from "CSI: Giuliani," a gritty, real-life investigation into the illicit goings-on in various Rudy Giuliani campaign offices.
Of course, in a year that saw the finales of both "The Gilmore Girls" and Jim Gilmore, the 2007 Candies are not without their fair share of snubs. John Edwards (Best Supporting Actor, 2004) received only one nomination, in the category of Outstanding Hair and Makeup. Conspicuously absent from the list: Duncan Hunter, Mike Huckabee, Bill Richardson, Tommy Thompson, and Tom Tancredo. Don't look for them to be nominated for anything any time soon.
Did we miss anyone who deserves a Candie this year? Post your own nominations!
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