We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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Wednesday night, the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest went underway, and all of Washington's most famous celebrities people who are sometimes on C-SPAN competed to prove they are the funniest least boring person in Washington. The big winner of the night was Austan Goolsbee, an economist for the Obama administration. There's video of him yucking it up over here, but first Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber of New Lows (don't quit my day job, me), also performed stand-up! And there's video!
I'm not saying Joe's material is awful. I am just saying, as a plumber, shouldn't he be cleaning up shit rather than performing it?
When I got into the office this morning, I wrote a nice long post about the "How to Take Back America*" conference in St. Louis this past weekend, but WordPress decided to eat it, in much the way that Barack Obama has eaten all of the Bills of Rights and whatnot.
So, anyway, I am not writing that all over again (Too bad for you, because it was an amazing post; take my word for it.) Instead, here's a real quick highlight roundup, on the the off chance that you couldn't make it…
Oh, and Rep. Trent Franks from Arizona finally let us know who Barack Obama is really trying to destroy: ALL OF HUMANITY!. I gotta say, that's actually a tad more far-reaching of a plan than I thought he'd go for in his first term. But, I guess Yes, We Can and all that, right?
And how could I possibly forget Joe the Plumber winning the coveted Golden Wrench? (That is not even a joke.) However, poor Mr. the Plumber — despite all his honors — still wasn't allowed to change out of his I-just-got-done-painting-the-garage uniform. (I wonder if he'll ever graduate to "real human being.")
All in all, I'd have to say this was the most successful "How to Take Back America*" conference ever. Good job, "How to Take Back America*" conferenceers!
Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?
Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.
To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…
Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.
If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).
Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…
There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.
When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.
In the last few months of the 2008 presidential election, the McCain campaign — which tried to make people believe that their opponent was a terrorist because he knew a guy once, chose a V.P. candidate who doesn't read the news, and campaigned with a plumber who isn't a plumber — took a look at the Barack Obama birth certificate "scandal" and decided it was just too stupid for them.
Wow! That's saying a fucking lot…
Sen. John McCain's (R-Ariz.) campaign learned of a lawsuit filed in Pennsylvania that asked the state to strip Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) of the Democratic nomination on suspicion that he was not an American citizen.
The complaint for declaratory and injunctive relief was filed by Phil Berg, a former deputy state attorney general who left government in 1990 for a series of gadfly political campaigns… One lawyer who was doing some work for the campaign was tasked with reading Berg's lawsuit and gauging its chances of success.
"The conversation was along the lines of 'this is idiotic, but explain to me why,'" said the lawyer, who spoke under condition of anonymity to TWI. "I looked at whether the lawsuit was going to be dismissed. I said yes."
I'm not sure, but I think that means that anybody who's still buying into that rumor is eligible for half-price tickets at the roller skating rink around the corner from my house on Wednesdays. But you have to wear a helmet. And you can't bring pizza on the rink.
Here's your news quiz for today. Which great conservative thinker recently made this ground-breaking scientific observation?
"Marriage is good. There is something special about unions of husband and wife. Unless we bring men and women together, children will not have mothers and fathers."
Was it…
a) Sarah Palin b) Carrie Prejean c) Joe the Plumber d) Michele Bachmann e) Socrates
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* Vanity Fair gives it up for 
Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally 
In the last few months of the 2008 presidential election, the McCain campaign — which tried to make people believe that their opponent was a terrorist because he knew a guy once, chose a V.P. candidate who doesn't read the news, and campaigned with a plumber who isn't a plumber — took a look at the Barack Obama birth certificate "scandal" and 
