Wednesday night, the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest went underway, and all of Washington's most famous celebrities people who are sometimes on C-SPAN competed to prove they are the funniest least boring person in Washington. The big winner of the night was Austan Goolsbee, an economist for the Obama administration. There's video of him yucking it up over here, but first Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber of New Lows (don't quit my day job, me), also performed stand-up! And there's video!

I'm not saying Joe's material is awful. I am just saying, as a plumber, shouldn't he be cleaning up shit rather than performing it?

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So, anyway, I am not writing that all over again (Too bad for you, because it was an amazing post; take my word for it.) Instead, here's a real quick highlight roundup, on the the off chance that you couldn't make it…

Mike Huckabee recommended sawing off the part of Manhattan that houses the United Nations and pushing it into the sea, because what's with all those non-America countries thinking they get to have opinions about things? I mean seriously…

Oh, and Rep. Trent Franks from Arizona finally let us know who Barack Obama is really trying to destroy: ALL OF HUMANITY!. I gotta say, that's actually a tad more far-reaching of a plan than I thought he'd go for in his first term. But, I guess Yes, We Can and all that, right?

And how could I possibly forget Joe the Plumber winning the coveted Golden Wrench? (That is not even a joke.) However, poor Mr. the Plumber — despite all his honors — still wasn't allowed to change out of his I-just-got-done-painting-the-garage uniform. (I wonder if he'll ever graduate to "real human being.")

All in all, I'd have to say this was the most successful "How to Take Back America*" conference ever. Good job, "How to Take Back America*" conferenceers!

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^{* …from the minorities.}

* Vanity Fair gives it up for the pimpest evil dictator of all time.

* Joe the Plumber on the patriotic virtues of beating up an old lady. That is one classy faux-plumber.

* Evil cartoon characters Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh to be animated.

* Texas schools to start teaching the Bible as part of curriculum in last ditch effort wrest idiocy title from Oklahoma.

* Have you googled "Santorum" recently?

Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?

Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.

To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…

Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.

If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).

Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…

There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.

When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.

Here's a dramatization of Joe the Plumber coming up with his opening joke.

Wow! That's saying a fucking lot…

Sen. John McCain's (R-Ariz.) campaign learned of a lawsuit filed in Pennsylvania that asked the state to strip Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) of the Democratic nomination on suspicion that he was not an American citizen.

The complaint for declaratory and injunctive relief was filed by Phil Berg, a former deputy state attorney general who left government in 1990 for a series of gadfly political campaigns… One lawyer who was doing some work for the campaign was tasked with reading Berg's lawsuit and gauging its chances of success.

"The conversation was along the lines of 'this is idiotic, but explain to me why,'" said the lawyer, who spoke under condition of anonymity to TWI. "I looked at whether the lawsuit was going to be dismissed. I said yes."

I'm not sure, but I think that means that anybody who's still buying into that rumor is eligible for half-price tickets at the roller skating rink around the corner from my house on Wednesdays. But you have to wear a helmet. And you can't bring pizza on the rink.

No exceptions!

"Marriage is good. There is something special about unions of husband and wife. Unless we bring men and women together, children will not have mothers and fathers."

Was it…

a) Sarah Palin
b) Carrie Prejean
c) Joe the Plumber
d) Michele Bachmann
e) Socrates

I know, it could be any of them, right?

You can find the answer right here.

(photo via)

"Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he's so outraged by GOP overspending, he's quitting the party — and he's the bull's-eye of its target audience," the article says.

Oh… my… God!

I have never… ever… ever… cared less about any bit of news in my life.

Some opportunist con-man who was only every slightly valuable as a last-ditch attempt at symbolism is pretending like maybe he might leave the GOP to squeeze a few more minutes of fame of of the press. Why does anybody care about that?

I guess, though, if I were a lifelong Republican I might be persuaded to care a little tiny bit. But only if he'd actually leave the party. I'd probably be happy to be rid of the dead weight.

Now the party just needs to lose the other 75% of its useless, archaic sludge, and maybe they'll be able to go back to being a real party that people might consider voting with again.

At a state level, it's up to them. I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong. People don't understand the dictionary — it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that.

You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do — what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we're supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins.

I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they're people, and they're going to do their thing.

Wow! That must be the most noble plumber in the whole world!

Even though these anonymous, not-at-all-invented homosexual queer friends (probably no-good honkies as well) are way to gay-toxic to allow near his pure-as-snow children, he's still a swell enough guy to allow them to be referred to as "friends" during PR-stunt interviews.

Find out the identity of the magnanimous mystery plumber here.

In The Past, Words Were Printed On Dry Tree Guts: Larry Dignan breaks that Amazon.com will be launching a new, large-screen version of it's popular electronic book, Kindle. But, sadly, this upgrade isn't for saving the newspaper industry. Instead, it's a pivot towards the lucrative college text book market. Sorry, infosaurs. [zdnet.com]

Republicans Lost In Emo Forest: The easiest political column to write these days is the one about the GOP being in crisis — they've lost their way in the polls, with their base, and their transition to minority party has been, to be kind, awkward. Michael Van Der Galien has a little advice for Republicans: try not panicking. Your very public identity flux only benefits the Democrats. The evil, communist, baby-hating Democrats. [poligazette.com]

The Housing Market Will Improve… In, Oh, Twenty Years: Some market analysts are claiming that the housing market has hit bottom, and is going to rebound. But John F. Wasik is all "Hey, Wait A Minute!" Happy days are not here again, at least when it comes to houses. It's going to take a little while for that market to correct itself. Well, not a little while. Probably a long freakin' time. [bloomberg.com]

This is too good to be true! No taxes, and all I have to do is call and vote?

Hey, wait, how much does your democracy cost?

Due to the nature of our campaign we need to make sure every vote counts and do everything possible to make sure that the votes cannot be refuted in any way. Unfortunately, if a vote is made and payment is not collected it becomes difficult to authenticate the vote.

There is a possibility that some people may like to vote several times, charging the 99¢ will deter this from happening, therefore we follow all the necessary requirements to make sure that every vote counts and is fair and balanced.

Oh, well just so long as it's "fair and balanced."