We know that November 3, 2009 isn't a real Election Day. But still, we can all pretend. Right? Take a look at these six elections and let us know how much you care.
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We've been so wrapped up in the details of health care reform — public options, optional public options, robust public options, public options with a trigger, public options with optional bucket seats, etc. — that we have completely forgotten the most important question of all time: Is any of this even in the Constitution? Anywhere?
Does the U.S. Constitution allow the government to require uninsured Americans to buy medical insurance or impose a tax penalty if they refuse? Congress has never before required citizens to purchase any good or service, but that is what both House and Senate health bills would mandate.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi dismissed the complaint Thursday when she was asked by a reporter if the Democrats' health reform proposal was constitutional.
"Are you serious? Are you serious?" Mrs. Pelosi replied.
No, Nancy Pelosi, are you serious about the Constitution? Is anyone around here serious about the Constitution?
House Minority Leader John A. Boehner said the argument could not be ignored. "I'm not a lawyer, and I'm certainly not a constitutional lawyer, but I think it's wrong to mandate that the American people have to do anything," he told reporters at his own press briefing last week.
Fuck yes, John Boehner! That's what I'm talking about!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta grab the license I don't have and drive my uninsured car the wrong way down this one-way street, because my 18-year-old brother needs a ride home from refusing to register with the Selective Service System.
Boehner chided Democratic colleagues for taking up a resolution honoring the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius, suggesting it was "unacceptable" for the Congress to spend time on similar measures Tuesday while the economy continues to struggle.
"While Democrats get ready to celebrate the birth of an ancient Chinese philosopher, House Republicans will talk about our better solutions to create jobs and make health care more affordable and accessible for America's seniors," Boehner said in a statement.
On the one hand, it makes me really angry to see Congress busying itself useless nonsense. But, on the other, Confucius died nearly two and half milennia ago, and America's continued ignorance of his important work in fortune cookies was getting kind of ridiculous. (And just when are we going to get around to recognizing that Gilgamesh guy, huh?)
Why oh why oh why can't the Democrats be more like the Republicans, who don't waste everybody's time honoring dead Chinese philosophers. No, they would never do anything like that.
It's possible — just possible — that there is a single solitary American, somewhere out in this vast nation of ours, who thinks that this "public option" might not be such an awful, you know, option to have.
However, House Republican leader John Boehner has yet to meet this American, perhaps because he has been too busy watching Top Chef…
"I'm still trying to find the first American to talk to who's in favor of the public option, other than a member of Congress or the administration. I've not talked to one, and I get to a lot of places and I've not had anyone come up to me — I know I'm inviting it — and lobby for the public option," Boehner said.
"This thing (the public option) is about as unpopular as a garlic milkshake," Boehner added, noting that he had not consumed such a milkshake.
Heavens no, John Boehner would never "consume such a milkshake." That would be disgusting!
After saying he was inspired to read the Republican health care plan by the paper-waving GOP lawmakers at Obama's recent address, Grayson summed up his findings with a few simple pieces of posterboard.
"The Republican health care plan: don't get sick," he said. But, he added,"The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick … This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"
In the midst of this loud and divisive battle over health care reform, you really gotta respect that kind of sober and thoughtful debating (especially since he decided against using his original fourth placard). Because that's a pretty fair assessment of what Republicans wants for Americans, right? A quick
House Republicans were, however, shocked by Grayson's presentation. Heavens to Murgatroyd! Those conservative gentlemen had never heard such partisan promulgation! Why, they were practically struck down with the vapors…
Not many people get to sign their names to one of the [National Republican Congressional Committee]'s fundraising e-mails. Its chair, Pete Sessions, does — so does House Minority Leader John Boehner, and Rep. Tom Price, R-Ga., who's the leader of the House's conservative caucus. No one other than those three has done so since the end of June, at least not according to my inbox. But on Friday, Wilson did.
What's that? The guy who yelled nonsense at the President like a heroic junior high student signed his name to this fundraising email? Grab my checkbook and tell the kids to forget about college! It's Savin' America Time!
House Minority Leader John Boehner wanted to write a note in Barack Obama's yearbook before leaving for the August recess, but Barack Obama is a partisan meanie who hid his yearbook in Rahm Emanuel's gym locker specifically to keep it away from Republicans, so John Boehner had to find another way to share his thoughts on health care…
Yikes! I had no idea Barack Obama was trying to trick the American people into thinking that he's not the president at all, but a handsome television doctor like All My Children's Peter Bergman.
Don't worry, though, I'm pretty sure John Boehner's wrong on this one.
My guess is the guy who did all those stealth tonsil operations on the children of Pine Valley will turn out to be Barack Obama's evil twin.
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Hey, look at this! 
It's possible — just possible — that there is a single solitary American, somewhere out in this vast nation of ours, who thinks that this "public option" might not be such an awful, you know, option to have.
Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla) sure does seem to have 
