In light of Tuesday's elections, one thing is abundantly clear: If you want your boring local election to gain unwarranted national weight and prominence, hold it in an off year. Better yet, don't even hold it in November. Move your deputy county comptroller election to April 2011, and watch it become a bellwether referendum on the future of all carbon-based species.

After the jump, coverage of the election results continues with The Daily Show.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

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Posted by: Elizabeth Erickson

It's a story that has become all too common in this country: A 51-year-old man, unemployed and facing the end of his employer-provided health coverage, will be forced to pay out of pocket for private health insurance, made all the more complicated by a preexisting kidney condition.

Who is this mysterious everyman? Oh wait, it’s Douglas Holtz-Eakin, former go-to health care guy for John McCain's presidential campaign…

[O]ne year after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) lost the presidential election, the man who was by McCain's side as the campaign's top health-care guru remains unemployed — and his COBRA health coverage is running out.

What? OH SNAP!

Does this mean that finally, in a sort of magic, Freaky Friday-type scenario, some powerful opponents of public health care are getting a taste of how such issues affect the uninsured and under-insured American public?

Sort of. Holtz-Eakin may be losing his government funded health plan, but he still doesn’t agree with the reforms put forth in Congress…

The system is "broken," he said, but the bills now before Congress do not cut costs enough. On the campaign trail, Holtz-Eakin promoted McCain's plan to eliminate the tax exemption for employer-sponsored health insurance and give tax credits to individuals to buy their own coverage.

So really it’s more like Freaky Friday if, instead of swapping bodies back and learning lessons about the power of love, Jamie Lee Curtis had realized that being Lindsay Lohan was pretty ok, and they all just kind of dealt with it.

Levi is gonna unfurl the full Johnston in Playgirl! It's a Christmas miracle!

The father of Sarah Palin's grandson will go ahead with his much-hyped Playgirl shoot in mid-November "in order to get the pictures out for the holidays," a rep for the magazine told us. "We're working out the actual details day-by-day, and have come to a very happy conclusion, which we feel readers will be enthralled by."

Johnston's manager, Tank Jones, has said he's "90 percent sure" the shoot, for which Johnson has pulled in a reported six figures, will include full-frontal nudity.

Of course the spread is going to include Levi Johnston's penis. Of course! It had to happen like this. It was fated.

Now, the circle can complete itself. John McCain will, at some point, be exposed to that issue of Playgirl. Maybe an aide will present him with it on the pretense of Senatorial business. Maybe his daughter Meghan will casually leave it lying around her apartment when he visits. Maybe his wife Cindy will use it as research material in her ongoing attempt to understand human emotion. Who knows? But, John McCain will see Levi Johnston's dick. Mark my words.

And, as his eyes pass over the flaccidly dangling (this is Playgirl, remember) member of his former running mate's former almost-son-in-law, he'll be forced to consider what will no doubt be his greatest legacy, his most noteworthy contribution to this country that he loves.

It was he who inflicted this family of circus freaks upon America. He will know that. In that moment — with Levi Johnston's penis in his eye — he will know that with a profound weight of regret shackled around his neck.

America needs this moment to occur. America needs Levi Johnston's penis like we never needed any person's penis ever before.

Try as I might, I never quite understood the net neutrality debate. All I knew was nerds cared very deeply about it, so I assumed it had something to do with Cheeto taxes or Real Doll tariffs. But on last night's Daily Show, Jon Stewart broke it down into simple terms even a touched halfwit like me can understand.

In case you're wondering, yes, this exists. As does this. But not this.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Good news for everyone who is an executive for a powerful telecommunications corporation!

John McCain is fighting for your freedom to impose your will upon the masses! Go, America!

McCain's bill, the Internet Freedom Act, would block the Federal Communications Commission from making Net neutrality the law of the land. The rule preventing ISPs from slowing down certain types of content would create "onerous federal regulation," McCain argued in a written statement.

According to a report at NetworkWorld, McCain "called the proposed Net neutrality rules a 'government takeover' of the Internet that will stifle innovation and depress an 'already anemic' job market in the US."

But supporters of Net neutrality argue that the rule is needed to ensure that Internet providers don't censor content, or slow down traffic to Web sites that are in competition with their business allies.

Come on now? Who are you going to believe on this? Some person who knows how to use a computer? Or John McCain?

John McCain's former chief campaign strategist Steve Schmidt — the man who supposedly accused Sarah Palin of doing the words in the title to your right — did some "rogueing" of his own today, telling a Washington, D.C. conference exactly what he thinks about the esteemed author's prospects in 2012…

"I think that she has talents, but my honest view is that she would not be a winning candidate for the Republican Party in 2012, and in fact, were she to be the nominee, we would have a catastrophic election result."

Now hold your horses, Palinphiles, Steve Schmidt didn't say your gal couldn't get elected in 2012. He just said she would not be a winning candidate for the Republican Party. So what? George W. Bush helped make 'GOP' a synonym for 'incompetent losers,' and we elected him twice.

Besides, if Sarah Palin is the Republican nominee and we wind up with a "catastrophic election result," I'm pretty sure that means she's moving into the White House.