The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

"No president, not even Ronald Reagan, will get a perfect score on a purity test once in office. Reagan, after all, raised taxes by what at the time was a record amount and signed an immigration-amnesty bill," said [REDACTED].

Michael Moore? Susan Sarandon? "Daily Kos," whoever that is? Wrong, it's Karl Rove, speaking to the National Review. You remember Karl Rove. Small guy with a potato-shaped head. Arch-wizard of conservative propaganda. What he's doing here is spinning as only Karl Rove can spin –  his very next sentence was:

"And President Reagan still belongs on Mount Rushmore. You take a statesman in the totality of his actions."

See? That crafty genius is building an Ark of Hypocrisy for Republicans to climb aboard whenever the hot water starts rising. For it before you were against it? Against it before you were for it? It's okay! Details don't matter, only the totality of your actions, and you get to keep adding long after you're dead/out of office, whichever happens (or is noticed) first.

He hasn't worked in the White House for over a year, but Rove hasn't lost his edge…

Rove also said though that the reaction from movement conservatives is sometimes difficult to gauge from the White House.

"Conservatives are a frothy mix," Rove said.

Um, a frothy mix?

If this is part of an elaborate reverse-psychology conservative media strategy, I cannot wait to see what's next… a Michele Bachmann campaign video in which she barbecues the Constitution while listening to Joan Baez, maybe?

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

First, to Mr. Obama's staff: The Norwegian Nobel Committee didn't want to wake the president to tell him about his prize earlier this year, but there shouldn't be any reluctance to reassure the nation after a terrorist attack. Also, why not resolve to have a few less "historic" moments? How many can one president really have, anyway? A little more grace toward his predecessor would help him, as would less TV time. He is wearing out his welcome and his speechwriters—judging by the quality of their work lately.

And it goes on (and on and on) from there.

Here is a resolution for the Wall Street Journal op-ed page: why not re-name yourself Karl Rove's Facebook Wall Journal if you are going to keep posting his sad, angry feelings every damn week? Also, your copyeditors should resolve to remember that it's Santa Claus, not Santa Clause (sixth graf, Karl's quip about Desiree Rogers "checking lists twice," ho ho ho!).

At the very end of this thing Karl does, indeed, put forth some resolutions for himself, namely "to speak well of Mr. Obama more frequently" and "to curry favor with liberals by being more critical of my fellow conservatives." This is either a baldfaced lie or a baldfaced joke. It's so hard to tell, with that sneaky Karl Rove.

However, that's not the really sad part of this story…

Karl Rove, former senior adviser to President George W. Bush, has been granted a divorce in Texas after 24 years of marriage, family spokeswoman Dana Perino said.

"Karl Rove and his wife, Darby, were granted a divorce last week," said Perino. "The couple came to the decision mutually and amicably, and they maintain a close relationship and a strong friendship. There will be no further comment, and the family requests that its privacy be respected."

Huh? Dana Perino, the former White House Press Secretary is now the Rove House Press Secretary? Really? Is that really the best job she could get? Freelance spokespersoning for her old boss?

I realize that the job market is kind of shit out there right now, and that being Press Secretary doesn't provide you with the most useful skill set, but is this really the best job Perino could find? Surely, there must be some corporation out there with a need for a pretty amoral blond woman to stand in front of cameras and say recite made-up things.

Like, if she got a boob job and a collagen injection, I'm sure they'd hire her over at Fox News.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

See also:
Jon Stewart's Pitch-Perfect Glenn Beck Impression
The Onion: Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

* Vanity Fair gives it up for the pimpest evil dictator of all time.

* Joe the Plumber on the patriotic virtues of beating up an old lady. That is one classy faux-plumber.

* Evil cartoon characters Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh to be animated.

* Texas schools to start teaching the Bible as part of curriculum in last ditch effort wrest idiocy title from Oklahoma.

* Have you googled "Santorum" recently?

Anyway, yesterday these backward-lookers dredged up 6,000 pages of documents about the 2006 firings of nine United States Attorneys, a scandal that resulted in serious consequences for students at Texas Tech University, and somehow poor Karl Rove got dragged into the mess…

[Rove aide Scott] Jennings wondered "what else I can do to move this process forward" in one e-mail, and told Griffin in another that, "I would really like to move forward with getting rid of NM US ATTY."

Rove told the judiciary committee, according to transcripts of his interview, that Jennings was "freelancing" in his attempts to have Iglesias fired, but [former White House Counsel Harriet] Miers, in her interview, said that a very "agitated" Rove telephoned her from New Mexico in September 2006, saying that Iglesias was "a serious problem and he wanted something done about it."

There you go! All Karl Rove said was that he "wanted something done" about the New Mexico attorney. That doesn't mean he wanted the guy to get fired, for heaven's sake. My guess? Karl Rove just wanted someone to send Mr. Iglesias a fruit basket, to make him feel like a team player. I bet Karl Rove sent lots of people inspirational fruit baskets over the years.

Not that the liberal media will ever report on that completely obvious explanation for everything.

Yikes! I'm no math guy, but I'm pretty sure that's what's known as the exact opposite of what we want. If the trend continues like that all the way to the end of that chart each American will have to not have two jobs just to not making a living.

I have no idea what's happening with the employment market. And, apparently, nobody else does either. But IMAO's Farnk J. has tried to narrow things down to two possibilities…

A) The Obama administration has absolutely no idea what it’s doing about the economy.

B) The Obama administration knows exactly what it's doing about the economy and means to destroy it and us.

My guess is that A is correct, but do keep possibility B in mind.

I actually kinda hope B is correct. 'Cause that would at least mean that somebody somewhere understands what's happening.

While Rove is a Republican spin doctor and Silver a "rational progressive," there is substantial and surprising overlap between the two.

^{* Nate Silver, if you're reading this, could you please calculate these?}

Based on their surprisingly high commonality levels, I tested their compatibility and determined that, based on numerology, the two have a compatibility of between 25 and 79%. As a control, I used both the subjects' given full names as well as the names they go by…

The following chart is a polychromatic demonstration of the Rove-Silver compatibility range…

I also looked at their compatibility level as a function of their astrological signs. These tests are less reliable than the love computers, and are qualitative and not quantitative. Astrological Compatibility Analysis (ACA) predicts a much lower compatibility, foreseeing that "this relationship lacks stimulation. You are both far too cautious, frugal and self-righteous to last."…

In conclusion, although it would depend on several contingencies, such as real data, the compatibility of Nate Silver and Karl Rove does, indeed, exist. Any further extrapolation would have to be done by Nate Silver.

See also: Kos & Bill-O: Hateful Rivalry or Homoerotic Obsession?

.

Read more of Katie Halper's political commentary on Katie Halper Dot Com.

It's a lot like the White House correspondents' dinner, but with fewer fake famous people and worse entertainment. But the wine is free and if you, like me, get a kick out seeing moderately well-known wonks attempt to have "fun" (imagine four hours of trying to teach your dad to dance or somesuch), it can be diverting.

It's also the event responsible for burning the image of MC Rove into our collective consciousness.

Anyway — for reasons that make complete sense to us — we're celebrating this diverting event with the following exciting features…

* A blog series highlighting the burgeoning love story between MSM personalities and the scruffy bloggers who follow their every movement.

* The Internet premiere of a brand new video from JibJab that will be featured at this years Radio & TV dinner ceremony.

* Lots of other appreciative correspondent-related material which can technically, according to our lawyers, be referred to as "exciting features."

So, make sure you check back at least once every three minutes until we tell you otherwise.

If Democrats enact a public-option health-insurance program, America is on the way to becoming a European-style welfare state.

And from there it's a short slide to wooden shoes, burly men in Speedos and David Hasselhoff fan clubs.

Advocates say a government-run insurance program is needed to provide competition for private health insurance. But 1,300 companies sell health insurance plans. That's competition enough.

Now, if there were only 1,298 companies selling health insurance plans that would be a completely different story. Sure, consumers can't shop for policies across state lines, but so what? The point is, there are 1,300 different companies at our disposal, theoretically, which means there's no need for any more.

Defeating the public option should be a top priority for the GOP this year. Otherwise, our nation will be changed in damaging ways almost impossible to reverse.

Yes, well.

He is the expert on that last bit.

Hot GOP-on-GOP Action: Here's another theory about why the GOP is self-destructing very publicly, and in real time, courtesy of Rod Dreher. This new theory comes with a new buzzword — "jerrytayloring." Which refers to the game of "who's more conservative" that those in the right keep playing with one another. The moment any pundit or GOP operative questions one of the party's icons, they get bum-rushed and accused of not being conservative enough. [beliefnet.com]

OMG, Karl Rove Hearts Barack Obama: Or rather, Rove supports Obama's tentative embrace of Bush Administration national security policies. One man's flip-flop is another man's reasoned reconsideration of the facts. So now, officially, politics has gone down he rabbit hole: is the President just Bush Lite? A political hack full of empty campaign promises? The liberal backlash is brewing, you can hear progressive fanatics sharpening their long knives. [wsj.com]

Hybrid Car, Hybrid Senator: Dana Milbank was there as Republican Senator Orrin Hatch sat behind the wheel of a plug-in hybrid Hummer H3, and what ensued was hi-larious. The 75-year old didn't know how to drive the confounded, newfangled hippiemobile! Ha! But give the 75-year old conservative some credit: many of his colleagues believe global warming is a hoax, and wouldn't be seen trying out the future of the automotive industry. [washingtonpost.com]

Press Who's Coming to Dinner

Look Who's Talking

Laura After Hours

M.C. Rove

Correspondent's Dinner

See also: The Daily Show's Best Wanda Sykes Moments on The CC Insider

So, there you have it. On April 29, 2009, after more than a decade as host of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart's influence has finally seeped through the mile-thick barrier of obtuseness that surrounds cable news.

Got any good Michael Steele-esque Yo Mama jokes? Drop them in the comments. Here's mine:

Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks WMD is the channel that Gilmore Girls was on!

Ugh. You can do better than that.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Yesterday, we posted some images from The Daily Show in which Dick Cheney and Karl Rove posed for some beefcake photos to highlight their prison (or White House) ink. And the photos were mirrored on The Daily Show's Facebook page.

Well, some dedicated fans have been tagging themselves — or maybe tagging their friends or enemies or political rivals or something — on the muscular bodies of the two former high-ranking members of the administration.

So, now, not only are they covered in tats. They're also covered in tags. And that's hardcore.

Dick Cheney photo
Karl Rove photo

Click the image for a larger version.

And if you're aching for more, you'll find Rove after the jump…