Don't you just hate it when you go out for a nice steak dinner with your teammates, you have a few too many soda pops, things get a little hazy and then — BAM! — you wake up bathed in the Blood of the Lamb? Ugh! I can't even count how many times that's happened to me…

My favorite part is the reverend's brilliant rationalization for how he and the football coach aren't guilty of date-baptizing a bunch of teenage boys…

"The twist is that a coach brought a bunch of guys here to get them baptized. And there's no truth in that at all. The coach brought a bunch of guys here to be encouraged that night, and out of the process of that, God called a bunch of people to have a relationship with them."

You see? It wasn't the coach at all? He just happened to bring the kids to a church where God happened to be hiding behind a door with a cooking oil and a Bible. It all happened so fast, no one even got a good look at Him. He maybe had a white beard and flowing robe, but, then again, He might have been all blue and had six arms.

That's why I don't go anywhere — anywhere! — without a baptism whistle around my neck. God got me once when I was too young to defend myself, and I spent the next two decades dealing with the psychological trauma. I'll never let that happen to me again.

* Keith Olbermann predicts zombies in America's future.

* An open letter to Old People from Young People: "We don't want to kill you."

* Jesus fired from Kentucky Office of Homeland Security.

* What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to keep your Conan the Barbarian sword in the governor's office.

* Ugh! I don't wanna read The Death Book. Can't I just wait for The Death Movie to come out?

Conventional wisdom holds that combining firearms and houses of worship is a terrible idea. But rules, like commandments, are meant to be broken, which is why one church in Kentucky is thinking outside the cartridge box…

A Valley Station Road church is sponsoring an "Open Carry Church Service" in late June, encouraging people to wear unloaded guns in their holsters, enter a raffle to win a free handgun, hear patriotic music and listen to talks by operators of gun stores and firing ranges.

The event, slated for Saturday afternoon, June 27, is being promoted with online posters, including one using a red font resembling splattered blood with the words: "Open Carry Church Service."

Before your little liberal temper froths itself into a venti mint mocha latte with a double shot of outrage, let's try to be open-minded. People use guns for lots of reasons: target practice, hunting, skeet shooting… and there's no reason why you can't do these things in church. What if a six-point buck wanders right across your field of vision during the Noah's Ark pageant? Why not set up a trap shoot in the pews, using Communion wafers instead of clay pigeons?

Ahh, but naysayers will always say their nay…

The Rev. Nancy Jo Kemper of Lexington, who has lobbied against laws such as one allowing citizens with permits to carry concealed weapons, said the event "would nauseate Jesus."

Really? Maybe the Rev. Nancy Jo Kemper knows a different Jesus than I do, because the Jesus I know made it perfectly clear. "Blessed are those who pack heat, for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:9, look it up.

In my edition of the Bible that's even printed in a splattered blood font, but I'm using the King Ted Nugent version.

Disappointed soldiers in the Ron Paul Revolution, take heart. Your leader may have been defeated in '08, but He was not vanquished. For He hath given unto you a Son to continue His work.

And He shall be called Rand Paul. And He shall run for U.S. Senate in Kentucky. And He shall have gloriously curly locks of salt-and-pepper hair that shall drip with the oil that shall fuel a libertarian uprising!

And Rachel Maddow scored an interview with Him last night.

(You'll have to wade through some not-completely un-entertaining stuff involving Roberta McCain, Rush Limbaugh and Charlie Crist, but the Rand Paul interview begins at around the 3:15 mark.)

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Listen to Rand Paul's voice. Look into his eyes. Now, I don't wanna sound like some totally insane crazy nut job — no offense, Ron Paul supporters, no offense! — but I suspect that Rand Paul is, in fact, just a slow-aging clone of his father Ron.

You know, like Boba was to Jango.

If that's the case, then we really need to listen to what he says. He possesses knowledge that we can only dream about! And he might own a jet pack.

Kentucky's senator Republican Jim Bunning — who's going after re-election in 2010, to the chagrin of his own party — paid a pollster to see what his chances are looking like.

But he seems somewhat disinclined to share the results…

"It's none of your goddamned business," Bunning told reporters on a morning conference call, when asked about the poll's results. "If you paid the 20 grand for the poll, you can get some information out of it."

I think that means they're pretty good.

I'm almost positive that means they're pretty good.

Don't you think?

Kentucky's junior senator took the time this past weekend to drive an obsidian dagger into a live goat so that he might pull forth the sacrificial beast's steaming entrails and prognosticate the future of the U.S. Supreme Court…

U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

Senator, please tell us, though. Will Justice Ginsburg at least be killed by the good kind of cancer that you get better from?

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

The holy man then went on to predict that Barack Obama's stimulus package would drive the nation further into debt before asking his stunned congregation for some tithings…

"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.

He then finished up his rites by placing a hex…

on National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman John Cornyn of Texas… for not using Senatorial committee funds to help him and conservative Sens. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and David Vitter of Louisiana."