* Larry Craig's first piece of advice as your new consultant: Don't listen to anything Larry Craig tells you to do.

* Never accuse Meghan McCain of not having a sense of humor! Never!! (She really hates it when people confuse her with her mom.)

* In Lou Dobbs's dreams, Rachel Maddow is his very own tea-bagging queen.

* The Lobbyists! There's just too many of them! Game over, man! Game over!

* Jesus Christ! Why is Joe Biden talking the godamned Lord's name in vain, for Christ's sake?

* And the winner for The Year's Most Idiotic Piece of Political Punditry goes to…

Everything about this story from David Brooks is horrifying…

BROOKS: You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don't know about you guys, but in my view, they're all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They're guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.

HARWOOD: What?

BROOKS: I can only imagine what happens to you guys.

O'DONNELL: Sorry, who was that?

BROOKS: I'm not telling you, I'm not telling you.

Really, anonymous closeted gay Republican senator who may or may not actually exist?! David Brooks? You're going to risk outing yourself as an FOLC (Friend of Larry Craig) for David Brooks' inner thigh?! Really?! You just couldn't keep your hand away from that polyester-wrapped pile of uncooked Wonder Bread dough?

You're just crying out to be caught, aren't you?

It turns out Mark Sanford is just the latest in a long line of victims of the so-called Clinton Curse. I wasn't aware of that one, but I did hear about this guy down in Texas who picked up a woman in a bar and took her to a motel. The next morning, he woke up in a bathtub full of ice and on the bathroom mirror, scrawled in lipstick was, "WELCOME TO THE GOP." Ooh, just gave myself chills.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

In a sure sign of the moral decay of today's youth, one of the great monument to American politics is ceasing to be fully appreciated by today's tourists.

I speak, of course, of the Larry Craig bathroom…

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it appeal as a tourist stop, an official said.

"We're getting there," said Patrick Hogan, director of public affairs for the Metropolitan Airports Commission. "I think we'll all be glad when there's no special interest in that restroom."

This is just sad, sad, sad.

Speaking as someone who made the pilgrimage to that holy site, I can tell you, the newer generations will be culturally impoverished without the light from this bright beakon.

Hey, Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-IL)? Sorry to bother you, sir, but I just ran into Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. and he just wants you to know… just in case… that if you need him for anything, ya know, like, to appoint him as Barack Obama's replacement or whatever… well, he's just going to be waiting over there, sir. Okay?

Yeah, I mean right over there. In the Senate…

Minutes after the Senate opened at noon Monday for its lame-duck session, the only lawmaker milling around the second-floor elevator banks was… Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.).

Though Jackson is a leading candidate to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the Senate, Illinois Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich has yet to make his appointment.

So what was Jackson doing on the wrong side of the Capitol?

"MSNBC," he said, explaining he had a TV appearance on the Senate side.

Nevertheless, it did seem Jackson was walking more slowly, checking out the Senate hallways, imagining what it might be like for him should he be tapped to fill the seat.

In other news, Sen. Hillary Clinton is going to take lunch over at the State Department today, in case Barack Obama is looking for her or anything.

And Larry Craig is going to go use the bathroom right now. Just in case… ya know… you might have to as well?

For those of you worried that the ascendant Democrats would usher in a new era of ordinary Americans governing in Washington, you have nothing to fear! There are plenty of new out-of-touch plutocrats set to take office.

Roll Call reports that many incoming legislators more than easily qualify for Barack Obama's socialist tax hike, including…

* New Virginia Senator Mark Warner, who founded Nextel and is worth $91 million

* New Wyoming Representative Cynthia Lummis, who apparently owns $17 million worth of cattle

* New Idaho Senator Jim Risch, who is taking Larry Craig's seat and is worth $20 million (most of which will be spent on industrial-strength disinfectant for that seat)

In case you were wondering, none of these freshman lawmakers will even come close to topping the reigning king of Washington wealth.

What, you really don't know who that is? John Kerry, of course! He's worth at a minimum $231 million, and that doesn't include anything held solely in Theresa Heinz-Kerry's name.

It also doesn't include the millions he spent on advertising in the Chicago media market promoting himself as a candidate for Secretary of State.