* Larry Craig's first piece of advice as your new consultant: Don't listen to anything Larry Craig tells you to do.

* Never accuse Meghan McCain of not having a sense of humor! Never!! (She really hates it when people confuse her with her mom.)

* In Lou Dobbs's dreams, Rachel Maddow is his very own tea-bagging queen.

* The Lobbyists! There's just too many of them! Game over, man! Game over!

* Jesus Christ! Why is Joe Biden talking the godamned Lord's name in vain, for Christ's sake?

* And the winner for The Year's Most Idiotic Piece of Political Punditry goes to…

BROOKS: You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don't know about you guys, but in my view, they're all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They're guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.

HARWOOD: What?

BROOKS: I can only imagine what happens to you guys.

O'DONNELL: Sorry, who was that?

BROOKS: I'm not telling you, I'm not telling you.

Really, anonymous closeted gay Republican senator who may or may not actually exist?! David Brooks? You're going to risk outing yourself as an FOLC (Friend of Larry Craig) for David Brooks' inner thigh?! Really?! You just couldn't keep your hand away from that polyester-wrapped pile of uncooked Wonder Bread dough?

You're just crying out to be caught, aren't you?

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

I speak, of course, of the Larry Craig bathroom…

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it appeal as a tourist stop, an official said.

"We're getting there," said Patrick Hogan, director of public affairs for the Metropolitan Airports Commission. "I think we'll all be glad when there's no special interest in that restroom."

This is just sad, sad, sad.

Speaking as someone who made the pilgrimage to that holy site, I can tell you, the newer generations will be culturally impoverished without the light from this bright beakon.

Yeah, I mean right over there. In the Senate…

Minutes after the Senate opened at noon Monday for its lame-duck session, the only lawmaker milling around the second-floor elevator banks was… Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.).

Though Jackson is a leading candidate to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the Senate, Illinois Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich has yet to make his appointment.

So what was Jackson doing on the wrong side of the Capitol?

"MSNBC," he said, explaining he had a TV appearance on the Senate side.

Nevertheless, it did seem Jackson was walking more slowly, checking out the Senate hallways, imagining what it might be like for him should he be tapped to fill the seat.

In other news, Sen. Hillary Clinton is going to take lunch over at the State Department today, in case Barack Obama is looking for her or anything.

And Larry Craig is going to go use the bathroom right now. Just in case… ya know… you might have to as well?

Roll Call reports that many incoming legislators more than easily qualify for Barack Obama's socialist tax hike, including…

* New Virginia Senator Mark Warner, who founded Nextel and is worth $91 million

* New Wyoming Representative Cynthia Lummis, who apparently owns $17 million worth of cattle

* New Idaho Senator Jim Risch, who is taking Larry Craig's seat and is worth $20 million (most of which will be spent on industrial-strength disinfectant for that seat)

In case you were wondering, none of these freshman lawmakers will even come close to topping the reigning king of Washington wealth.

What, you really don't know who that is? John Kerry, of course! He's worth at a minimum $231 million, and that doesn't include anything held solely in Theresa Heinz-Kerry's name.

It also doesn't include the millions he spent on advertising in the Chicago media market promoting himself as a candidate for Secretary of State.

The passage of time, a presidential campaign, and the perennially unfolding Lindsay Lohan saga should have made this scandal disappear long ago. But Craig's shame is still making headlines, thanks to the efforts of one very powerful individual…

Larry Craig…

Lawyers for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho asked a Minnesota Court on Wednesday to void the guilty plea he made following his arrest last year in a men's toilet sex-sting operation…

Craig was arrested at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, after an undercover police officer said the lawmaker kept looking through a crack in the door, sat down in a stall next to him and used hand and foot signals to indicate he was soliciting sex.

Why is Craig still dragging this out in court?  His Senate career in its final months and it's not like there's a lawmaking "seniors tour" he could be banned from. If anything, he should take a page from fellow celebrity convict O.J. "If I Did It" Simpson and write a book where he explains what it might be like if he actually was scoring anonymous toilet sex with business travelers.

It could be like a Penthouse Forum for closeted gay federal lawmakers.

Don't laugh. According to former Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), that's a bigger demographic than you think.

Is the RNC just an excuse for Republicans to have secret gay sex?

So then what the hell was this Maverick doing when she served as director of a 527 group for indicted Senator Ted Stevens?

And while we're at it, why did her website feature a video of Stevens endorsing her up through last week?

Could it be because she’d been hitting up Stevens and his Senate Appropriations Committee for $27 million worth of federal pork projects for her hometown of Wasilla, population 8.471?  Or because she’s now asking Stevens for another $197.8 million in federal earmarks in next year's federal budget?

Or maybe it’s just that, as a fellow Alaska Republican, it’s Palin’s duty to stand tall with Stevens as he awaits trial. But historical precedent suggests otherwise…

You didn't see ex-Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco defending fellow Democrat William Jefferson when the latter was found to be hoarding $90,000 worth of bribe money in a freezer. And unless we missed it, Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter certainly hasn’t been performing restroom blowjobs to show solidarity with Sen. Larry Craig.

But I guess ignoring precedents is what made Palin a Maverick to being with.

Well, one thing that's clear is that a bunch of folks are calling the evangelical Christian Alaska Governor a hypocrite for preaching about family values and abstinence education while her 17 year old unmarried daughter gets pregnant.

These pundits are forgetting that Palin is following in a proud tradition of Republicans being utterly hypocritical when it comes to personal matters. Indulge me while I rehash this star lineup!

- Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), of wide stance fame, was a major force behind the military's anti-gay "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

- Rep. Vito Fossela (R-NY), who secretly maintained a second family in Virginia, was a proud supporter of the "Marriage Protection Act."

- Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL), whose political career ended in disgrace after sexually harassing Congressional Pages, once had this to say about Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal: ""It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."

And that's not all! The tradition stretches back years (don't even get me started on Warren Harding)!

So let's stop painting Palin as some sort of hypocritical outlier and instead as what she is – a proud standard-bearer of the GOP.