Louisiana
October 15 at 5:45PM
 Oh, Louisiana, you still got it!*
A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.
Neither Bardwell nor the couple immediately returned phone calls from The Associated Press. But Bardwell told the Daily Star of Hammond that he was not a racist.
Good, because I was concerned for a moment there that he might be racist. You know, because of how whole racist this whole thing is.
Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.
"I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."
I don't know what my (least) favorite part of this story is: That, in Louisiana, judges are bestowed with the power of monarchs to decide the fate of all their humble subjects, or that this guy was born with magical heart statistics that he's able to consult when he needs a judgment call.
That said, I do begrudgingly have to admit that he's kind of right. Children from interracial marriages do get treated pretty shittily.
.
* So, I guess gay marriage won't be coming to The Bayou anytime soon, huh?
October 7 at 12:30PM
 In recent weeks lawmakers have been extremely busy with the extremely important task of defunding ACORN, but sometimes things, like sacks of money or lawmakers' genitalia, "slip through the cracks."
So it was that $1 million in Homeland Security grant funding wound up going to ACORN's office in Louisiana, where one Senator was standing by to be outraged…
[The ACORN grant] was one of only three such grants issued to the state and made up almost 80 percent of the firefighting money earmarked for Louisiana, prompting one of the U.S. senators from the state to demand that the funds be taken back.
"I request that you rescind this grant based on a history of abuse of federal dollars by ACORN and their clear lack of expertise in this area," said Sen. David Vitter, Louisiana Republican.
Obvious solution that doesn't involve the hassle of canceling a check: simply inform ACORN Louisiana that they must use the grant to fund prostitution training programs, because this plays to their expertise, and also because — as far as David Vitter is concerned — this is not necessarily an "abuse of federal dollars," assuming the prostitutes follow up by killing themselves.
August 13 at 2:03PM
 It seems that actor Brad Pitt doesn't think that he has a really good chance at being elected as the mayor of New Orleans…
"I'm running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform," he joked… "I don't have a chance," Pitt predicted.
Wait, what? Seriously, what? Was this even in the realm of possible things that could happen? Hasn't that city suffered enough indignations these past few years? (And I'm not even just talking about the whole Anne Rice association thing.)
Apparently, those people are real gluttons for punishment… extra spicy Cajun-style punishment…
The Brad Pitt for Mayor Campaign is picking up steam. WDSU NewsChannel 6 has learned there's a movement in the Crescent City trying to get the actor elected…
"Totally cute, I'm really excited about my Brad Pitt for Mayor T-shirt," said [some idiot who's not even from New Orleans]…
What started off as a crazy idea, is getting crazy response, especially now. "Brad Pitt is someone who's really done a lot for the City of New Orleans and the more people are talking about it. It sounds less and less crazy, especially with Gov. Schwarzenegger and Al Franken about to be sworn in as the U.S. Senator from Minnesota," said [t-shirt seller Josh] Harvey.
I think this guy is confusing "less and less crazy" with "everything else is getting more and more stupid."
In his defense, it's a common mistake.
July 21 at 9:05AM
Governor Jindal! Wake up, sir! Sarah Palin's on the express train to Crazytown, and all the other famous Republicans are busy having affairs, except for Mike Huckabee, who is still Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney, who is still just a wealthy robot, like an ATM with eyes. Sir, it's your cue!
And guess what? You're a health care policy expert who led the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals and then worked in George W. Bush's Health and Human Services Department. You know what's being debated right now? Yes! Hurry, sir! The national stage is waiting! Put on your official NBC page jacket and get out there…
I know a little something about health care policy, and I can tell you exactly the game that is currently afoot. If the House Democrats’ plan were to become law, the president’s statement that “if you like your health care now, you can keep it” will not be true. This is not an opinion, this is a fact.
Businesses will, in effect, be forced to send employees into the Democrats’ government-run health care. It’s really not something to argue about, it is a fact. [...] The plan the House Democrats are developing is a radical restructuring of health care in America. You may like it, you may not, but it is just that; there is no denying or sugarcoating it.
Facts! Yay! Facts are the best, because unlike opinions, they are irrefutable. Opinions are just chunks of random shapes we call "letters" that have been arranged into completely arbitrary groupings called "words" which are then organized into "sentences" according to the whims of "your media strategist." But these are facts, undeniable and unsugarcoatable truths, which you, Governor Jindal, just spoke to power (Barack Obama).
Say, governor, you've inspired me to look up more of these "facts," perhaps about health care. Oh look, here's one: Louisiana places dead last in national health rankings, and has been at the bottom of the list since 1990.
Well, shoot. But "national health rankings," that's Democrat for "opinions," right?
July 8 at 8:53AM
FLASHBACK: August 2006.
SCENE: A George Allen for Senate rally in Virginia. Our hero, GEORGE ALLEN, bounds across the stage and fires off his wacky new catchphrase, "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here." For whatever reason, people do not get the joke, and our hero suffers ignominious defeat at the hands of Democrat JIM WEBB, who had sent the macaca to the rally in the first place, and who once convinced ELAINE and NEWMAN to steal a dog.
DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…
A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.
MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."
FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?
DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…
Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.
“I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.
MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.
THE END! (…OR IS IT?)
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