A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

Neither Bardwell nor the couple immediately returned phone calls from The Associated Press. But Bardwell told the Daily Star of Hammond that he was not a racist.

Good, because I was concerned for a moment there that he might be racist. You know, because of how whole racist this whole thing is.

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

"I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."

I don't know what my (least) favorite part of this story is: That, in Louisiana, judges are bestowed with the power of monarchs to decide the fate of all their humble subjects, or that this guy was born with magical heart statistics that he's able to consult when he needs a judgment call.

That said, I do begrudgingly have to admit that he's kind of right. Children from interracial marriages do get treated pretty shittily.

.

^{* So, I guess gay marriage won't be coming to The Bayou anytime soon, huh?}

So it was that $1 million in Homeland Security grant funding wound up going to ACORN's office in Louisiana, where one Senator was standing by to be outraged…

[The ACORN grant] was one of only three such grants issued to the state and made up almost 80 percent of the firefighting money earmarked for Louisiana, prompting one of the U.S. senators from the state to demand that the funds be taken back.

"I request that you rescind this grant based on a history of abuse of federal dollars by ACORN and their clear lack of expertise in this area," said Sen. David Vitter, Louisiana Republican.

Obvious solution that doesn't involve the hassle of canceling a check: simply inform ACORN Louisiana that they must use the grant to fund prostitution training programs, because this plays to their expertise, and also because — as far as David Vitter is concerned — this is not necessarily an "abuse of federal dollars," assuming the prostitutes follow up by killing themselves.

"I'm running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform," he joked… "I don't have a chance," Pitt predicted.

Wait, what? Seriously, what? Was this even in the realm of possible things that could happen? Hasn't that city suffered enough indignations these past few years? (And I'm not even just talking about the whole Anne Rice association thing.)

Apparently, those people are real gluttons for punishment… extra spicy Cajun-style punishment…

The Brad Pitt for Mayor Campaign is picking up steam. WDSU NewsChannel 6 has learned there's a movement in the Crescent City trying to get the actor elected…

"Totally cute, I'm really excited about my Brad Pitt for Mayor T-shirt," said [some idiot who's not even from New Orleans]…

What started off as a crazy idea, is getting crazy response, especially now. "Brad Pitt is someone who's really done a lot for the City of New Orleans and the more people are talking about it. It sounds less and less crazy, especially with Gov. Schwarzenegger and Al Franken about to be sworn in as the U.S. Senator from Minnesota," said [t-shirt seller Josh] Harvey.

I think this guy is confusing "less and less crazy" with "everything else is getting more and more stupid."

In his defense, it's a common mistake.

And guess what? You're a health care policy expert who led the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals and then worked in George W. Bush's Health and Human Services Department. You know what's being debated right now? Yes! Hurry, sir! The national stage is waiting! Put on your official NBC page jacket and get out there…

I know a little something about health care policy, and I can tell you exactly the game that is currently afoot. If the House Democrats’ plan were to become law, the president’s statement that “if you like your health care now, you can keep it” will not be true. This is not an opinion, this is a fact.

Businesses will, in effect, be forced to send employees into the Democrats’ government-run health care. It’s really not something to argue about, it is a fact. [...] The plan the House Democrats are developing is a radical restructuring of health care in America. You may like it, you may not, but it is just that; there is no denying or sugarcoating it.

Facts! Yay! Facts are the best, because unlike opinions, they are irrefutable. Opinions are just chunks of random shapes we call "letters" that have been arranged into completely arbitrary groupings called "words" which are then organized into "sentences" according to the whims of "your media strategist." But these are facts, undeniable and unsugarcoatable truths, which you, Governor Jindal, just spoke to power (Barack Obama).

Say, governor, you've inspired me to look up more of these "facts," perhaps about health care. Oh look, here's one: Louisiana places dead last in national health rankings, and has been at the bottom of the list since 1990.

Well, shoot. But "national health rankings," that's Democrat for "opinions," right?

Click here for larger image.

See also:

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."

FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?

DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom…

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.

“I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.

MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.

THE END! (…OR IS IT?)

For what it's worth, I think Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal answered the question as best he could, with a sense of thoughtful nuance unbecoming of a Republican…

"It depends on what he's trying to do," Jindal told a crowd of about 1,200 Republicans at the National Building Museum… If the president does what Jindal agrees with — like cutting earmarks — then he said he wishes Obama success. But if the president, as Jindal perceives, keeps the United States indebted to China, taxes Americans to fund abortions in foreign countries, taxes private businesses or allows public union elections, then, Jindal said, Republicans should want Obama to fail in those measures.

"We are loyal to the United States, but we don't have to be loyal to every policy," he stated… He added that opposition, as he sees it, is a healthy exercise for democracy.

Unfortunately, that sort of of ugly attention to intelligently-considered rhetoric will never fly with Republican voters. If he wants to be the GOP's nominee in '12, he's gonna have to change that answer to something more akin to "Me hate Herr President Communist! We want him fail big time! Drill endangered species for oil!"

I think I missed my calling as a speechwriter.

Here's why we monitor volcanoes again.

Just sayin'.

Come on, an airport tantrum? Is this the best he could come up with?

According to an HOH tipster who witnessed the scene, the Louisiana Republican arrived Thursday evening at his United Airlines gate 20 minutes before the plane was scheduled to depart, only to find the gate had already been closed. Undeterred, Vitter opened the door, setting off a security alarm and prompting an airline worker to warn him that entering the gate was forbidden.

Vitter, our spy said, gave the airline worker an earful, employing the timeworn “do-you-know-who-I-am” tirade that apparently grew quite heated.

That led to some back and forth, and the worker announced to the irritable Vitter that he was going to summon security.

Vitter, according to the witness, remained defiant, yelling that the employee could call the police if he wanted to and their supervisors, who, presumably, might be more impressed with his Senator’s pin.

But after talking a huffy big game, Vitter apparently thought better of pushing the confrontation any further. When the gate attendant left to find a security guard, Vitter turned tail and simply fled the scene.

It's sad when you see the great ones start to lose their edge, isn't it?

He went bananas and pried open an armed security door…

The door sounded a security alarm.

Vitter had arrived at the gate for a flight from Dulles Airport, only to find that the door had been closed twenty minutes prior to departure.

After setting off the security alarm, the Louisiana senator proceeded to dress down an airline employee who told him entering the restricted area was forbidden. He invoked his standing as a senator, delivering a "do-you-know-who-I-am" tirade.

Yeah, don't you know who this guy is? David Vitter! Took calls from the DC Madam during roll call votes. Took a brave stand against the Secretary of State. Took a hard line on budget earmarks, except for the $249 million he earmarked himself. If anyone deserves some courtesy and an upgrade, it's this guy.

Or the people of Louisiana.