For the rest of this week members of the press corps will be scavenging Martha's Vineyard like starving bears, hoping to snarf some exclusive crumbs from President Obama's clam roll. But POTUS has laid down this one law, which is apparently more important than anything else, even overhauling government death panels: Do not stalk the First Daughters for a picture…

Weird. The newspaper article doesn't say which end of the debate over health care reform this guy's on…

The Secret Service is investigating a man who authorities said held a sign reading "Death to Obama" outside a town hall meeting on health-care reform in western Maryland.

It also doesn't say what his preferred cable news network is or whether he thinks a person should ever refer to himself as a "dittohead" with anything other than a deep sense of shame. I guess we'll never know.

But, you know, carrying a sign that says "Death to Obama" is pretty stupid and reckless and aweful. But it's not deeply disturbing or just plain disgusting or anything like that.

Are you sure the sign didn't also say anything else? Can you just double check for us newspaper article?

The sign also read, "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids," referring to the first name of President Barack Obama's wife, said Washington County Sheriff's Capt. Peter Lazich.

But Michelle who? I just can't quite get a handle on exactly what type of person this guy is. Hmmm…

I think we can all breath a little bit easier today…

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I don't know about you, but I was just about to go into full-on panick mode. I was all like, Where are President Obama and his two adorable daughters going to eat their frozen yogurt or shaved ice or whatever that stuff is this summer if they cannot settle on which mansion to stay in on an island I'll never visit?

But, luckily, HuffPo was all over that shit with a front page headline the nanosecond that the crisis was averted.

Now I can go back to lazily wondering about stupid stuff, like which mystery foreign country has that half-trillion dollars of U.S. money.

Bo the Dog hasn't even made it past his confirmation hearings yet, and he's already ensconced in scandal!

Barack Obama and his wife Michelle… repeatedly said they wanted it to be a rescued dog such as one from a shelter… Enter Bo, a 6-month-old puppy given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders.

Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group, Bo is a "quasi-rescue dog," says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States…

Conspiracy buffs might speculate that Bo was meant for the Obamas all along. Was his adoption by the Obamas engineered to look like a rescue — or at least blur the line to head off criticism that the Obamas had picked a purebred from a breeder?

"I would have to refer that one to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein," said Larry Sabato, director of the University of Virginia Center for Politics, referring to the Washington Post reporters of Watergate fame. "It's possible, but there's no way to prove it unless one of the principals talks, and I don't think anyone would care anyway."

Thanks Fox News!

I just knew that somebody would care!

America's three-month nightmare is over!

The good people of the United States finally have a First Dog again!

That Bo's a handsome dog, huh? And from the Kennedy lineage? That's oddly fitting. Although, it's somewhat disconcerting to know that even our pets have to come from the proper political dynasty. (I'm sure that, in 2013, President Palin's family will be given a Great Dane that was second cousins to a Reagan or something.)

Of course, in a situation like this, there's only one person whose opinion really matters. And, obviously, I'm talking about Newt Gingrich. Obviously…

"I hope that the girls love the dog," Gingrich said on ABC's This Week. "I hope the family — and all the pressure they're going to be in — finds it useful. And I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

The Obama girls better keep that confarned dog off Ol' Man Gingrich's lawn if they know what's good for 'em.

Barack Obama promised us a fucking dog when he got back from Europe. He's back from Europe. Where's the fucking dog?

[Yesterday] afternoon at a planting event at the White House vegetable garden, CBS News’ Mark Knoller asked First Lady Michelle Obama when the newest member of the family would arrive at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"Soon!" Mrs. Obama said.

The always-tenacious Knoller followed up: "How soon?"

"Sooon!" the first lady said.

I'm sorry, but "sooon" isn't sooon enough for me. I — personally, as an American — need for Sasha and Malia Obama to get their new little dog sooooooooooon. (I was gonna say, "soooooooooooooooooooooooon," but I didn't want to seem unreasonable.)

This country has been asked to endure a lot these past couple months. Record unemployment rates. Money taken out of our paychecks and slipped into the bonus envelopes of Wall Street bankers. Fucking pirates attacking us at sea! Come on! Is it to much to ask for the President to just make good on his promise to us to make good on his promise to his daughters?!

You know what? I don't even need it to be a First Dog anymore. I'll take a First Cat. Or a First Ferret. Hell, I'll take a First Turtle. Anything!

Anything that'll make us forget — for a few minutes — how pooooooor we are.