The Secret Service is investigating a man who authorities said held a sign reading "Death to Obama" outside a town hall meeting on health-care reform in western Maryland.

It also doesn't say what his preferred cable news network is or whether he thinks a person should ever refer to himself as a "dittohead" with anything other than a deep sense of shame. I guess we'll never know.

But, you know, carrying a sign that says "Death to Obama" is pretty stupid and reckless and aweful. But it's not deeply disturbing or just plain disgusting or anything like that.

Are you sure the sign didn't also say anything else? Can you just double check for us newspaper article?

The sign also read, "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids," referring to the first name of President Barack Obama's wife, said Washington County Sheriff's Capt. Peter Lazich.

But Michelle who? I just can't quite get a handle on exactly what type of person this guy is. Hmmm…

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I don't know about you, but I was just about to go into full-on panick mode. I was all like, Where are President Obama and his two adorable daughters going to eat their frozen yogurt or shaved ice or whatever that stuff is this summer if they cannot settle on which mansion to stay in on an island I'll never visit?

But, luckily, HuffPo was all over that shit with a front page headline the nanosecond that the crisis was averted.

Now I can go back to lazily wondering about stupid stuff, like which mystery foreign country has that half-trillion dollars of U.S. money.

Barack Obama and his wife Michelle… repeatedly said they wanted it to be a rescued dog such as one from a shelter… Enter Bo, a 6-month-old puppy given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders.

Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group, Bo is a "quasi-rescue dog," says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States…

Conspiracy buffs might speculate that Bo was meant for the Obamas all along. Was his adoption by the Obamas engineered to look like a rescue — or at least blur the line to head off criticism that the Obamas had picked a purebred from a breeder?

"I would have to refer that one to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein," said Larry Sabato, director of the University of Virginia Center for Politics, referring to the Washington Post reporters of Watergate fame. "It's possible, but there's no way to prove it unless one of the principals talks, and I don't think anyone would care anyway."

Thanks Fox News!

I just knew that somebody would care!

The good people of the United States finally have a First Dog again!

That Bo's a handsome dog, huh? And from the Kennedy lineage? That's oddly fitting. Although, it's somewhat disconcerting to know that even our pets have to come from the proper political dynasty. (I'm sure that, in 2013, President Palin's family will be given a Great Dane that was second cousins to a Reagan or something.)

Of course, in a situation like this, there's only one person whose opinion really matters. And, obviously, I'm talking about Newt Gingrich. Obviously…

"I hope that the girls love the dog," Gingrich said on ABC's This Week. "I hope the family — and all the pressure they're going to be in — finds it useful. And I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

The Obama girls better keep that confarned dog off Ol' Man Gingrich's lawn if they know what's good for 'em.

[Yesterday] afternoon at a planting event at the White House vegetable garden, CBS News’ Mark Knoller asked First Lady Michelle Obama when the newest member of the family would arrive at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"Soon!" Mrs. Obama said.

The always-tenacious Knoller followed up: "How soon?"

"Sooon!" the first lady said.

I'm sorry, but "sooon" isn't sooon enough for me. I — personally, as an American — need for Sasha and Malia Obama to get their new little dog sooooooooooon. (I was gonna say, "soooooooooooooooooooooooon," but I didn't want to seem unreasonable.)

This country has been asked to endure a lot these past couple months. Record unemployment rates. Money taken out of our paychecks and slipped into the bonus envelopes of Wall Street bankers. Fucking pirates attacking us at sea! Come on! Is it to much to ask for the President to just make good on his promise to us to make good on his promise to his daughters?!

You know what? I don't even need it to be a First Dog anymore. I'll take a First Cat. Or a First Ferret. Hell, I'll take a First Turtle. Anything!

Anything that'll make us forget — for a few minutes — how pooooooor we are.

And what kind of dog will soon be frolicking on the South Lawn? Mrs. Obama says she thinks she is going to look for a rescue Portuguese Water dog who is "old enough" and a "match" for the family dynamic.

"Temperamentally they're supposed to be pretty good," she says of the breed that Sen. Ted Kennedy has also lobbied for (he has two Water dogs of his own). "From the size perspective, they're sort of middle of the road – it's not small, but it's not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that's where we're leaning."

Figures. I suppose it was out of the question for the Obamas to get an American Water dog. But, all things considered, I guess we should just be happy that it won't be an Indonesian Water dog or an Islamic Jihadist Water dog.

"Oh, the names are really bad. I don't even want to mention it, because there are names floating around and they're bad," Mrs. Obama says with a laugh. "You listen and you go – like, I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another one of them. Moose. I said, well, what if the dog isn't a moose? Moose. I'm like, no, come on, let's work with the names a little bit."

Yeah, whatever you do, don't go with anything vaguely American-sounding like Frank. That would just be ridiculous. Better to go with something a more exotic name. Like Mohammed.

Robert Gibbs Overweight Seahorse

Ambiguously Still Bitter About Not Being President Hillary Clinton Red-Nosed Thing

Second Tier Republican Cabinet Secretaries

Eric Holder and Stephen Chu Gay Bears

Huge Monkey Asshole Larry Summers

12:39 – Damn! I was hoping for sea shantiers!

12:38 – Sea chanters?!

12:36 – From the comments: "Bush to Obama after speech: 'Hey, did you understand anything that guy up there just talked about?'" – JC

12:34 - At the rate he's reading, we all might die mid-prayer. – Matthew Tobey

12:33 – I hope this guy doesn't die mid-prayer.

12:32 – Another reverend? Where's the imam? where's the rabbi? Where's the witchdoctor? I feel left out.

12:31 – This po – em su – cks.

12:30 – What about the separation of poetry and state? – Mary Phillips-Sandy

12:28 – I think I rejected this poem back when I was editing my old online lit-zine.

12:27 - This – lady – enunci – ates – clear – ly. – Mary Phillips-Sandy

12:26 - Well, that was a pretty nice speech. It's really weird to be aware of yourself watching history unfold. It feels a little like huffing spray paint.

12:25 - Doris Kearns Goodwin just got the vapors. – Karen Lurie

12:24 - From the comments: "I keep expecting the camera to catch Bush hastily thumbing through a dictionary to follow Obama's speech." – Paul

12:23 – From the comments: "Obama just mentioned, 'The Force.' A Jedi is he hmmmph!" – Cube

12:21 – Is Obama the first president to actually acknowledge that some people might not believe in a sky god, hallowed be its name?

12:20 – "Nonbelievers." God bless him. – Matthew Tobey

12:18 – They sure didn't waste any time updating whitehouse.gov.

12:16 – Wow! What an amazing day for America! We actually have a Muslim atheist communist foreign-born president with a fake birth certificate.

We've come a long way, baby!

12:14 – He just said "science"! And he didn't say it with a sneer! Oh my god, is that guy really my president now?

12:13 – Any time my excitement about this moment flags, I just think about how much all of this cuts into the souls of people like Michelle Malkin.

12:10 – There are about twenty million Americans puzzled as to why Obama is not raising the roof right now. – Dustin Chinn

12:08 – From the comments: "I can't decide whether I'm supposed to make popcorn or genuflect." – Katie D.

12:07 – Shit! That canon is shooting at Obama! Stop that thing!

12:06 – It's over! Barack Obama is our president! George W. Bush no longer.

12:05 – Holy shit, this is actually happening. Obama is being sworn in for real right now!

12:04 – So is Joe Biden Bush's VP until Obama is sworn in? – Matthew Tobey

12:03 - Here's a 2%er: Yo Yo Ma playing is probably giving Josh Lyman flashbacks to when he got shot. – Matthew Tobey

(Apparently, that's a West Wing joke. I didn't get it, because I refuse to watch a show that supposes an Irish president.)

12:02 – Is that Yo Yo Ma playing with Itzhak Perlman? Too much diversity! Too much diversity!

12:00 – How'd that fiddler get down off his roof? Get back up on the roof, fiddler!

11:58 – Did you feel a disturbance in the force? Dick Cheney is no longer vice president. He's just some mean old Mr. Potter-looking guy.

11:57 - Joe Biden is getting sworn in. He looks like he's been blinded in some kind of bar fight, though.

11:53 - Now THAT is a church hat Aretha's wearing. – Dustin Chinn

11:52 – This invocation is mighty Christiany, isn't it? What about the rest of the country?

11:51 - Sasha does not have five syllables, Rick Warren. Matthew Tobey

11:51 – I wonder how many hardcore Evangelicals are spitting at their TVs right now.

11:50 – Funny. They didn't "forget" to televise Warren's prayer.

11:49 - From the comments: "A purpose driven Warren looks like he needs a purpose driven diet." – banana

11:48 – Rick Warren just told me that everything exists for God's glory. I wish somebody would have told me that before. I would have taken better care of my old Millenium Falcon toy.

11:46 - Dianne Feinstein looks like she buys her hair from the same place as Rod Blagojevich.

11:44 - From the comments: "The crowd boos Bush and sings "Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye." Is everyone in the Mall from Philly?" – Cube

11:43 – Jesus H. Christ, it's Barack H. Obama!

11:41 – Holy god, that's a lot of people crammed in there! I wonder who's the guy in the way back.

11:40 – Wow! That's a whole lot of people applauding for Joe Biden. Seems unnatural.

11:39 – Wonder if Michelle Obama's discovered the treasure map hidden in the Lincoln Bible. – Dustin Chinn

11:37 – What the hell is that thing on George Bush Sr.'s head? Shouldn't the Secret Service be taking care of that problem?

11:34 - From the comments: "Like I told my wife, while I have never known a world with a black President, our daughter will never remember a world without one." – Bearness

That's a pretty cool thought.

11:33 - As of right now, George Bush is still president. Soak it up now while you can.

11:30 - The crowd is chanting, "Obama! Obama! Obama!" Yes, I believe they are ready to do his bidding.

11:25 – Okay, so I'm finally set up. Sorry I'm so late. My morning ablutions toward the White House took longer than I'd expected. But I'm here now.

So, uh, what's going on here? Some kind of ceremony or something?