So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”

#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?

# 6 – Monica Lewinsky
No list of secret girlfriends would be complete without Monica Lewinsky, but as someone who was cognizant of political humor in the 90s I don’t know what I can say about it now. Every cigar-inserting, dress-staining, fat-girls-give-good-oral joke has already been made a hundred times. I just don’t want to go there. And it’s not just because there’s a chance I might bump into Monica at synagogue. It’s because I lost my virginity to her. Yesterday. What? Don’t look at me!

#5 – Callista Bisek
You might not recognize her name, but Ms. Bisek is the woman House Speaker Gingrich was showing his little newt to while simultaneously leading the charge against President Clinton for the Lewinsky scandal. And don’t get your hopes up that Bisek was some double agent hoping to expose Gingrich’s family values hypocrisy. Bisek actually married him. But that might just be because "Mrs. Gingrich" has a nicer ring to it than "Newt-Fucker."

#4 – Rielle Hunter
Say what you want about John Edwards, but he sure had sex with another woman while his wife was battling cancer. And that woman was Rielle Hunter. You might know her as the woman John Edwards said he didn’t have sex with. Others of you might recall her as the woman he later admitted to having sex with. I’m still not sure whether or not her baby is his. Did we get confirmation on that? In any event, I do know one thing. That affair ended those rumors about him being gay. Oh, and his political career.

#3 – Ashley Dupre
Now, I’m not sure if you can really refer to a prostitute as a “girlfriend,” but I just couldn’t make this list without Elliot Spitzer’s dangerous-sex-for-money-girl, Ashley Dupre. Why go to a pro? I’m guessing Eliot liked to play certain games reserved strictly for professionals. Role play scenarios like “you be the embezzling Enron exec and I’ll be the minority shareholder who gets screwed over by your dirty dealings. Your dirty, dirty dealings. Inflate assets! Hide the debt! Golden parachute, mmmmmmmmmmmmm….”

#2 – Marilyn Monroe
How can the most famous woman in the world be a secret girlfriend? I’d tell you, but then I might ruin the good thing I have going with Queen Elizabeth. Much has been made about JFK’s alleged trysts with the blonde bombshell, but Marilyn’s greatest contribution to the study of secret girlfriends might be in establishing the high water mark for my theory: “The Ever Decreasing Slope of Presidential Tail.” As exhibited by this chart, applying my theory (with a sample group of two) we can predict, with no chance of error, that Barack Obama will reveal his secret girlfriend to be Paula Abdul some time in late 2010.

#1 – Maria Belen Chapur
I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m told “Belen Chapur” means “woman so hot she can make a mildly retarded South Carolina governor disappear.” For six days in 2009, Gov. Mark Sanford went “missing” while getting some face time with his Argentinean mistress. Like in Argentina, which surprisingly is not as discrete a location as you’d think. When Sanford returned, he confessed in an overly sentimental news conference and was greeted with calls for his resignation. Still, Sanford’s fraudulent alibi for his whereabouts during those six days –“hiking the Appalachian trail”—will surely go down as one of the greatest euphemisms for nookie in the history of dirty secret sex politics.

However, I'll pretty annoyed if Mark Sanford starts elbowing his way into my Zooey Deschanel fantasies now and refusing to leave.

I'd rather him just stay put in my Mark Sanford fantasies. (Must he be in all the fantasies?)

In fact, they might even be willing to start tossing around The I Word* a little…

"Lawmakers, once reluctant to discuss removing Sanford, will weigh what it would take to force the Republican governor out and how the process would work."

"Sanford has been under fire since secretly leaving the country for five days in June to meet his lover and later admitting an extramarital affair with the Argentine woman. Since then, Sanford has been under fire for flying in expensive business-class seats and his use of state and private planes. All could violate state law or ethics rules."

This is exactly like Romeo & Juliet, except with less suicide-by-poison and more schadenfreude.

_{* His version of "Don't Cry for Me, South Carolina" always brings the state house down.
** And I'm not talking about "intercourse." Though I'm sure Gov. Sanford is.}

You know what Mark Sanford needs right now? A vacation…

Gov. Mark Sanford said he is leaving the state today for a two-week European vacation with his wife and four sons.

Since June 18, Sanford has been at work 15 of 25 business days. And according to his schedule, provided to The State under the S.C. Freedom of Information Act, Sanford will be on vacation or have no official state business for 52 of 148 weekdays in 2009 through the end of July.

What is this, grade school? We give our elected officials attendance reports? Please. Sarah Palin is governor-for-life of Real America, even though she's dropping out this weekend. Doesn't matter.

Besides, Gov. Sanford has no choice. He's got to spend two weeks in Europe…

Sanford said he considered canceling the trip, but that his children had raised money to help pay for the excursion by selling lemonade.

And if there is one fact we know about Mark Sanford, it's that he would never, ever do anything to disappoint his family.

After the jump, coverage of the story continues and Jon takes Brian Williams to task.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Well, maybe it's for the best. Otherwise he would've called everyone in the state, probably during dinner…

I have struggled with how best to convey my regret in letting so many down, and in that regard I realize this column does not do justice to the process of saying “I am sorry.” A hand-written note or phone call would ultimately be more appropriate, but given the number of people I need to apologize to, I write this to begin the journey of trying to get things more right with you and others.

It is true that I did wrong and failed at the largest of levels, but equally true is the fact that God can make good of our respective wrongs in life.

Bam!

And with that Mark Sanford has put himself back in the saddle as a "2012 contender," because let's face it, even Sarah Palin's op-ed went on for eleven paragraphs before using God as a rationale for whatever her stupid point was.

Well played, sir. Well played.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Assume the position, Governor…

After nearly four hours of discussion Monday evening, leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina.

While the vote reveals how the state’s GOP leadership feels about the scandal, it has no practical effect on whether the governor remains in office.

But surely Sanford knows his effectiveness as a leader will be compromised by all this media scrutiny, not to mention the costly investigations that have only just begun. Surely he won't keep dragging his state and his family through this mess…

[South Carolina GOP committee member Richard] Yow said he told Sanford he could forgive him, but he told the governor that he should resign for the sake of the state and his family. Sanford, he said, rejected the idea.

"He said resigning would be the easy way out," Yow told CNN.

Poor Mark Sanford.

All these trials and tribulations, and he doesn't even have a higher calling.

Me neither! Amazing!

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